HOW TO SAVE MONEY LIKE A RETIREE (MAY 24, 2021)

 

The Retirement Coach by Mike Keenan

 

HOW TO SAVE MONEY LIKE A RETIREE (MAY 24, 2021)

 

            A friend works at the post office; his wife, a waitress in a local restaurant. They don’t seem able to keep up with rising costs, and sink deeper and deeper in debt. Nothing works. They recently purchased $350 worth of videos that promised to make them millionaires, but discovered to their surprise that they are both allergic to minks so they cannot manage the required farming. They once bought Nortel stock cheap, but it went down the toilet. Desperate, they asked if I could help them save some money.           

Their prayers were answered. As a retiree, over the years I have learned precisely how to save a ton of money. It’s simple. All that you have to do is act retired like me, and practice daily to get by on less. Too often, because of ubiquitous advertising and foolish neighbours, we think that we need things that we really don’t require.  

For example, I’ve decided to give up my urge to get into power boating at an incredible savings. First, I calculate that I save $20,000 for an l9-foot outboard-powered family runabout. Add a trailer at $1,500, $1000 worth of equipment, $450 for insurance, $900 for fuel, $750 for maintenance, $1000 for marina dockage, $700 for winter storage, $200 for extra safety equipment such as flares and PFD’s, $200 for other operational costs such as beer and hors d’oeuvres for my friends, sun tan lotion at $30 and navigational charts for $50. My total savings are an astronomical $26,780.00! That’s a lot of money. I told my friends that I might take $15 out of my savings and go on a short boat cruise somewhere nice in cottage territory where there are lots of lakes. What the heck, I deserve it. I told them that with some determination, they could accomplish the same results. They were impressed. 

Another huge savings for me has been my decision not to own or fly an airplane. With the capital cost of the aircraft, taxes, insurance, pilot qualifications, hangar or tie-down costs, annual inspections, labour costs, repairs, fuel, oil, engine and propeller overhauls, other maintenance, up-to-date aeronautical maps, a couple of aviation magazine subscriptions, Joe Biden aviator’s sunglasses, a spiffy-looking leather jacket, beer and hors d’oeuvres again for my friends, I’ve easily saved another $57,000. Again, to treat myself, I might rent an airplane for an hour or two or even go up in a helicopter to savour my frugality. Added to my previous nautical savings, I have now arrived at a grand total of (drum roll please) $83,780.00 in savings!

            I know what you are thinking. You want to draft me as the next Minister of Finance. Think of the money that I could save citizens with my prudent approach. It’s simple. You accomplish more with less, the essence of poetry. Poets don’t waste time with redundant adjectives and adverbs and other excessive parts of speech. If a poet wants to describe something succinctly, he or she simply writes a few sparse words and then you, the reader, connect them like one of those dot-to-dot puzzles.

            I digress. Let’s get back to the key issue of saving money. Think of all of the things that you could actually live without: Bruce Willis movies, SUV’s, children, pets, magazine subscriptions, more than two pairs of shoes, golf clubs, designer coffee, nose and tongue studs, Elton John CD’s…the list is limitless. With the latter, you have saved an additional $73,658. Your total savings, if you followed my austere lead and abandoned flying and boating is now well over a quarter of a million dollars. Amazing eh? Soon, you will be in the same league as Donald Trump and Bill Gates. 

            Speaking of leagues, you may as well give up season’s tickets to the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Raptors and Blue Jays games. Watch them all on YouTube in the morning with all the boring parts cut out. Guess what? You’ve just saved another $11,000 not counting parking and concessions.

            From all of these money-saving examples, it appears that the essence of saving money is choice. You can spend or save money. It’s up to you. You decide. Remember the old Jack Benny show on TV? He once told the story of being mugged in Manhattan. The robber pointed a gun at him, and said, “Your money or your life?” Benny slowly placed a hand on his chin, and in his classic pensive posture, he replied, “Wait a minute; I’m thinking about it!”