re-shuffling the deck of cards.. [042408]

More than anyone else, Ning was the one who made sense. It’s because she knows the whole story and she’s friends with both of us ever since then. So I guess this is the crucial part of this so-called too-much-of-a-hypothetical-nostalgia. Tsk. For a lack of better term to describe this.. whatever it is! Is this summer boredom? Because it if is, I wouldn’t wanna be a summer bum. I promise to keep myself busy, to work hard in school, and to be more helpful in doing the household chores. Just make this stop. All of it!

            Ning was right. It happened before and it might happen again. He is not the same Robin that we used to know before. He’s not the same person because he had lived far from us for years, in a foreign environment. With the distance as a factor and the scarcity of communication, keeping in touch with him was almost impossible. That’s why the drifting apart continued. Thus, news about him was rare. Well, perhaps partially, he still is. He still talks to some of our elementary classmates like Patrick and Mark and whoever else I do not know about. Maybe I’m just the only one being isolated. Or maybe I’m just thinking way out of the context here. Being too much of a freak.

            Besides what is it about reconnecting with him? I’ve lived my life for more than two years without even him having to pester it. I’ve been happy because of numerous reasons and he’s not even a part of it. I’ve had my ups and downs and I’ve grown up into the kind of person that I’m really proud of and he has not contributed much to that self-worth I earned myself. I did learn a handful from him but that was way back. We are different now. And I’ve gotten used to life like it is now.

            I got my diary (letter entry) which Mara kept for me because I planned on burning it when we were still in high school. And I had my fondest memories of Robin written there. I was smiling while I was reading it in my Chemistry class, which by the way diverted my whole attention from the lesson. I have written there for like twelve days straight and on the last day, January 12, 2007, I cursed him. I hated him. I swore never to talk to him again in YM until he’s the one who IMed me first. And surprisingly, I have kept that pledge until now.

            It’s good that I haven’t pushed through with the campaign that I was planning to do last night. With the help of Ja, of course. Haha! :) I’ll only put myself to shame. Camille was right. It was his call back then. He chose this to happen. I was hurt because of what he did but I was able to recover. The healing did not happen instantaneously but I’ve managed to redeem myself. History doesn’t need to repeat itself. He’s one lucky guy if I go after him again. Nah.. It’s not gonna happen.

            The impulsivity in my genes is responsible for all of this. I was just being exaggeratedly melodramatic. I thought that it would be romantic if Robin and I ended together. I’m not only after romance. I’m after love. Those are two different things. Maybe it’s him. Maybe not. As Cassie said, let fate do it’s magic.

            I won’t go for it. Men pursue women and it’s not the other way around. I know my worth even without getting that closure from Robin. I think we had our closure indirectly. He put an end to it, except that he didn’t tell me the ending. That was his story. This is mine. So what happened to our story then? It’s those memories we had when we were in elementary. That’s just that. No more, no less.

            I do not need to know if he was sincere in everything he told me during that time that we had “something”. Let his conscience bother him if what he confided to Luigi, which Luigi relayed to me, were true or not. Those were just the days. I’ve learned form them. I’ve moved on, too.

            Years from now, we’ll definitely see each other. Our paths will cross and I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be smiling when I see him. Because he’s someone I would really want to thank for a lot of things. When I think about it, one thing hasn’t changed. Robin is still annoying. Perhaps the most annoying person I’ve ever met. Haha! :)

            About walking away.. I don’t need to. Why would I want to? The guy is my friend. He’ll always be. I miss him. I love him, too. Yes, love and not loved. Because I did once and if you’ve loved someone once, you never really stop. Right? He’s not my one great love. That’s what I choose to believe in right now. If he turns out to be, then that will be a good consolation for me. Is it? I’ll figure that one out.

He will come back if he wants to come back and if by any chance, he communicates with me, I’ll appreciate that. But I am not going to wait for him. Both because I can’t and I won’t. End of story.