“Winter”

In the winter we stay in
Blankets and pillows in the bin
The homely smells
The ringing of the holiday bells
Spending time with family and friends
Dressing based on the latest trends
Eating delicious foods
Camping in the dark woods
So many activities to be done
Watching the bright sun
Keeping yourself warm
Going to theature to watch people perform
No school or stressful work
The constant happy smirk
So many activities to be done

Author's Note

I wrote this in mr benders first period

Reviews

[JayG]

You're focusing on the act of rhyming. But that's not what poetry does. The rhyme is an accent, not the purpose. The rhyming word must, before anything else, fit the thought so well that the fact of rhyming seems incidental.

And, rhyming "foods" and "woods?" Seriously? 😂

And...in your focus on rhyming, prosody, which is central to poetry, is ignored,

In other words, you're making the mistakes we all do when we turn to writing poetry, because like everyone else, you missed a critical point: The only approach to writing we' learn in school is nonfiction, given to ready us for the needs of our future employers. That's why you were assigned so many reports and essays.

Our school day writing skills report, which is an outside-in approach that's fact-based and author-centric: You, the narrator, talk TO the reader. But, poetry is emotion-based. We don't inform, we make the reader feel, and care. And that requires a very different approach, one that's emotion-based.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked the question. And since it's one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry. It's also pretty when sung: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNNRGa3pKyw

It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

If so, I have several suggestions that may help:

For poetry in general, I suggest Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's an easy read and filled with gems, like why we sometimes use "stone" and at others "rock" for the same thing. You can download a readable copy from the site just below (though not on a phone):
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

For structured poetry like this one, trot over to Amazon and read the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of language and prosody is brilliant.

For going deeper into the skills of writing structured poetry, though, I suggest Mary Oliver's, Rules for the Dance.

So...this wasn't what you were hoping for, I know. But since our own writing works for us, and you'll not address a problem you don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow