Cold Breeze

I continued to walk; stopping only to shudder from the cold and then continuing on. The blood on my chest had began to thicken and stick like mud. I wanted to turn back, but I knew I didn't have the strength to turn in a circle. I could have stopped long ago, but each step kept me further from death. So, on and on I took more steps. 

The snow got thicker and taking steps was more like taking a stroke in water. My muscles strained to continue on. My paws had long froze over and gone numb. I barely knew if they touched the ground. 

My slow swim across the snow had almost come to a stop. I was barely moving my legs and my body dragged across the frozen earth. I began to  fasten to the ground. My belly began to rub raw from the dragging of my body against the snow.

I collapsed; although it was more of me finally letting the cushion of snow hold my weight. I laid my head against the snowflakes and breathed out softly. I felt some of the blood ooze out of my wound. I tilted my head and saw the soft purity of the ground being eaten by that of my dark blood. 

I wanted to cry for the sins of the wound, but they froze as soon as they entered the world. Leaving me unable to close my eyes. I feared I would die not able to fix the wrong I had done. The evil that pumped through my blood and corrupted my soul. How would I end its reign? It fastened itself to me when I was weak. When I was broken, it filled the cracks in my heart and gaps in my mind. I needed not fear of the world when it gave me its power. But that was my sin. Letting it swallow me whole and tainting every last cell of my form. 

Why? Why did I let it come to this? Why is it now that I repent for my sins and let myself die so miserably?  Have I done no good for this world? Am I not worth the effort? Can no one save me now? Why has my life come down to just trying to be alive rather than living? Didn't anyone think I wanted more from my life than what I received? Had no one thought of that? Did they think my smile was happy? Did they not see the ends quickly return to its usual line of disappointment and failure? Had my eyes deceived them? Was there no pain found when they searched my eyes for answers? Had I not tried hard enough? In the end was it my fault? Was it my fault for letting the sin inside or those who ignored its mask upon my face? Had they received no sign? Had I not tried hard enough? Did they need it written across my face? Like that of a Scarlett letter; plainly for all to see? Did I need to publicly humiliate myself to get the response I desired most?

Maybe it was my fault. When I touched those I loved, they mimicked the evil inside of me. They all turned to the evil I dreaded most. I spread it, spread it like a disease. No one can escape its grasp except for those I sold my soul to protect. But I realize, I never told them. I held my grin so they didn't have to know how much it killed me to sacrifice myself. It hurt, but in the end it was worth it. They were saved. Even if I died, they'd be safe for the eternity of their time. I need not dwell upon their well-being. They have been saved.

I felt numb; my body had begun to form to the snow. I could not move. My limbs had frozen. I couldn't even shiver now. I watched the snow gently fall like blossoms for a celebration. They fell lightly and landed upon my face. Nature had given me my meritorious. I needed it to soften the blow of the cold and that's what it did. 

A shadow approached me from the forest line. It's soft footsteps never made a sound. I lifted only my eyes to meet its gaze. Its eyes never softened; its eyes stayed slits and arched in a glare. It's words rolled out like a snake hissing, "This is your fault  you know. You should let me take over your whole being. Then, you would have no pain."

"I would feel nothing, but the emptiness of my soul. There are somethings I want to feel."

"Like the pain you have taken upon yourself? Is this what you want?"

"I'd take this over letting you remove my feelings."

"Don't be a foul. You don't have much life left. You've only lived this long because of your souls willingness to live."

"What has my soul done?" 

"I dare not speak of it."

"Tell me. I'm dying anyway."

"No."

Anger grew inside of me creating a warm feeling in my core. I got to my feet, shaking, and faced the shadow. "Tell me!"

The shadow growled, but gave into my violent plea, "your soul, in order to protect itself, fused to your heart. Now your heart could protect it. It made it that much harder to take over, but luckily you don't have a great life, so your heart failed to keep up its guard."

"But what about my mind?"

"It's already been corrupted. It listens to the heart and makes you feel those emotions. Nothing can save you now."

"..."

I laid back down because my strength had given in. The shadow dropped its head to whisper in my ear, "You could give in now. You can be free."

"Free?"

"Free."

"..."

"Come on. Don't let this pain continue to eat you. You can be free if you let it take over."

"I-I can't. I will never be the same."

"Yes, that's it. You won't be the same. You'll be better."

The cold had taken hold of me again. And my memory began to fade. How did I get this wound? Why am I here? Why do I let this creature try to change me? I thought hard, ignoring the cold. Why? Why is this happening? 

My gaze happened upon the shadow again. "You lie!" I snarled.

"What? Me?"

"Yes. You caused this pain. You let the bullet escape from the barrel and you made my life horrible! I was good before I let you in!"

The shadow hesitated, "Then why did you let me in?"

"Because a real shadow came into my life and I didn't know how to fight back."

"That's no excuse. You don't know how to fight now."

"But now I know I can. So now I will fight."

The shadow erupted into laughter, "Yes, fight back! Ha! That's why you are here in the coldness of your soul dying from a shot to the heart. That is fighting back? You can barely get to your feet!"

"This isn't the coldness of my heart or soul. This is where you send me when you hope I break down. I always return to normal so you let me forget in hopes that maybe one day I will not leave here."

"Do you really think that's true? This is your mind. Not mine."

"All that matters is that I have fought you and I will continue to fight. Your grasp does not move me anymore."

"Then til the next time, I will wait."