Dear Grandmama

You were the only grandparent that I was given the opportunity to live by. The one that I could hug, and somehow, the only one I never knew. I wish you'd thought about me before you died, I wish you'd realized that by hiding your illness from Dad that you didn't give me a chance to say goodbye. I wish you'd given me a chance to love you like I could have, instead I feel as though we've always been strangers. I know I've always been the black sheep of the family, the only one with a different middle name and the only one who met you after Grandpa died, but still. Are you ashamed of me? It's okay if you are.. I'm not religious like you and probably don't have the same life views, by what gave you the right to deny me a grandmother's love? When someone thinks of their grandma, they should think of her wisdom and her unimaginable and unconditional love. I think of how you set your house on fire with a cigarrette and gave me a $20 because I couldn't breathe. Was that love? I wish I could've known you and I wish I coud've said goodbye properly. I wish that when they'd pulled the plug, I could've had your love's strength to watch.. But I didn't.

It's been 3 years since you've left this world, and somehow I cannot manage to get passed it. I can't help but be angry with you; in my selfishness I still feel denied of a grandmother's love. What do you think of me now? Are you proud of your atheist granddaughter? I wonder what you would say to me now, knowing that I know so much about you that you'd never want me to know. Those days in the hospital are imprinted in my mind, I wish to forget, but I seem to be connected forever.

 

-Your continued bloodline.