Broken Goodbye

A Short written back and forth by Me and Jade! No discussion we just wrote a paragraph each.

“Dear whoever is prepared to listen. This is my letter I am writing in the vain hope that it will change peoples’ lives. I’m Cassandra Blakely, aged 17. I am one of the millions of people to try this new drug, designed by the health care system to aid those that want to end their lives. It’s called Bowpagamans, a liquid cancer that poisons your blood stream killing you. It’s a bit like that medicine in the 21^st century called Gaviscon. I have taken this drug as a means to an end and regret it, now that I can feel it solidifying my lungs now and wish that I had thought over this sooner.”  This was the start of her letter that she wrote to many like me. As her mother this pains me that I found this all too late.

 “No matter how many times I think over the last few months I can’t remember what lead me to this. What was wrong? I was a young healthy teenager, with a roof over her head, a family, friends and a part time job. What more could I ask for. And yes when you put it like that now, I see that I am a spoiled brat. Well that’s the way it must seem and even lying here as my life is slipping away I still have many of those things. The one thing I wish I didn’t have was this drug crawling through my body minute by minute, taking away what’s left of my life. But the cold truth is, this past month I have not felt so gifted in what I have. I have felt the complete opposite. Maybe this is a letter not just to people like me. Maybe this should be a letter to everyone. Maybe everyone should read this and just maybe it will help those who felt as lonely as me.”  My stomach turned and my tears smudged the page as I read over the words of my now dead daughter. I let her slip by unnoticed.

 I hadn’t realised that as I read this that I had grabbed hold of her comfort blanket that she still kept from when she was a baby. I could smell her on it, her soft, warm, musky smell that could have only occurred through years of use. I held it to my face and let it catch my silent tears. “Why did you do it? My beautiful baby Cassie, gone for a reason I cannot understand.” Eager to find my answer I read on. “I guess what I’m trying to say is my goodbye. My painful, sincere goodbye, as I leave this once beautiful world and those I loved behind. No-one really did understand why I distanced myself; it was because I couldn’t handle the silent judging. It was easier, more peaceful on my own. So I began to grow lonelier, depressed even and tried to end my life through many methods. This seemed my most easy way out, and now that I’ve taken it I regret every moment of this foolish, selfish decision. I have to leave you my friends with the thought that at any moment I could die.”

 I clutched the faded pink baby blanket to my chest trying to push away the pain. The sharp pain in my chest felt like my heart was about to explode and break every bone in my motionless body. And I wished for one second that I could do the same. Grab that damn drug and swallow it. Lie in my beautiful Cassie’s bed and fall into a long distant sleep. It was the words of the letter that seeped into my brain and finally processed my wonderful baby’s warning, and her final goodbye. It was only then I could force my eyes to read on. “I had so much love in my life and yet each heart that opened to me I rejected. The thing is something that happened my mind something that flipped something, which I told no-one about. Things that made me feel alone an outsider in my own life. No matter how much my mum would try, I had to reject it. What if she rejected me for what I think about, for how I wish to act? Now I realise how wrong I really was.”  

It took a while for me to process these last sentences, what was she on about and why was it that she now regretted taking the drug? What had made my innocent and broken child feel so bad and was I so much of a bad mother that I couldn’t understand my own daughter? I must be for I have failed her, failed to breathe life into my daughter, my Cassie. “All I ever thought of was how awful my life was and how selfish people are. I contemplated the best way to kill the selfish ones off, pretended to make voodoo dolls. They never worked of course, I knew they wouldn’t. Then the solution was for me to just die, that way everyone was happy, I was rid of the selfishness in my life and they were rid of a waste of space. Of course now I realise on my death bed how selfish my own actions were. I just wish I could tell my mum sorry, for putting her through all of this confusion pain and heartache. But I can barely write this letter let alone walk downstairs and confess.” A fresh stream of tears fell down my face and it was all I could manage to hold myself together. I was clenching hold of my sides and curled into a ball in the mere hope that this would keep me in one piece; I felt broken.

 I sobbed until my eyes burned and I could barely breathe, let alone lift my eye lids and force myself to read what she had been hiding. What had I missed that was ripping my daughter up inside. It was then I remembered the best moment of my life.  The moment I looked into my daughter’s eye’s for the first time. It was then I knew I would always love her, always be the shoulder she could lean on if she ever needed. I knew then she had my unconditioned love, even though I knew I had failed her as she felt she couldn’t turn to me. Well now I know I have to read on. I have to read on so she knows that I will still love her, wherever she is now. Nothing she could have done is ever going to stop me loving her. Not my darling Cassie. “The thing is I knew something was happening to me and told no-one. I knew my mind was changing and I couldn’t find the strength to tell my mum, I thought she would stop loving me. Think I was crazy. But the thing is I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”

 “I can feel this darkness falling over my eyes and I must admit defeat. My time must be close as it is causing more pain to write than it is to see. So, Mum if you are reading this, I’m sorry for all of the crap I put you through this year as I became more and more antisocial. To my friends sorry I abandoned you in your times of need; I wish I could have been there for you. I now much leave this sorry world and part for my new unknown life, that’s if there is a life after death. Maybe I could make that one better. This is Cassandra Blakely; I’m 17 years old and died on 28^th September 2110.” It was a sincere end to her letter; I just wish I could have held her heavy fragile body in my arms in her last moments. During this moment, this long sorry moment I felt a strange comfort, like arms or wings wrapping around me, keeping me safe and comforting me and I knew. I just knew that this was Cassie I just couldn’t explain how or why.

 

Written by Jade and Rebel Angel

 

Author's Note

Ok this was written without discussion just sending a paragraph to each other and each adding. Short and sweet we hope. Hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[Jenna B.]

This is really precious; for lack of better terms. I find that as I read on, I was pulled into the story; the way you are when you read a good book. The both of you are splendid writers, whether you're gifted or worked hard for it; I really enjoyed reading this.

[xoxoridgy!!]

This story was really sweet. I actually started crying. I have never had a friend or family member that commited suicide, but my ex has considered it. He read it and has realized it isn't the way to go. Thank you both.

[Suicidal Teddybear]

wow you too are really good i think i can tell who wrote what Jade was light blue?? am i right? im probally wrong lols

[Taylor H]

I really did enjoy this but do to lack of interest im afraid i have to delete the contest you entered this in. I really did enjoy it and im sorry for having to do this.