The Reason Why I Breathe

I'm reading this to my girl friend today. It's our 10 month anniversary. Let me know what you think.

As we count the months, they seem like seconds,
The memories keep on flowing.
From the time our eyes first met,
To words i asked you "to be mine",
You're the best thing to happen in my life,
I can't imagine me with any one else,
You are my only true love.

Through the good and the bad,
The happy and the sad,
You should always know, you're my other half.

You're eyes shine as if the sun were hazel.,

You're smile is one of a kind,

You're beauty makes my heart melt,

You're perfect in every which way!

When I'm not with you,

I don't know what I would do,
I can only pray that I'm the right one for you.

Each night you are my last thought,
Your beautiful smile is on my mind.
I can go to sleep happy,
Cuz I know I can wake up to have you by my side.

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Third draft critiques: I really, really like the line "your eyes shine as if the sun were hazel" (although you need to choose whether to use a comma or a period; you can't use both). Good job! (I will say, however, that each of the you'res should not be possessive). However, "your beauty makes my heat melt" doesn't make a lot of sense. Heat does not melt, because it is a feeling, not a tangible object. Perhaps you meant "your beauty makes my *heart* melt?" The problem with this is that it's overdone, but you can make that call for yourself. Nice cleanup of the third staza - it's getting there :-)

[Summers Under The Old O..]

The fact you wrote this for someone you care about makes it so much more beautiful then it already is. There is a lot of compassion in this poem. I love the line "You're eyes shine as if the sun were hazel". There isn't much left to say that Emily Rose hasn't said, haha. It's a very sweet poem, and your girlfriend will love it.

[Jenny Ge]

Aww that's so sweet. (I need to find a guy like you ha ha) It's just missing something. I don't know what. Something that makes you feel as if you are surrounded by honey like light. Hmmm....

I dunno. I like sentimental poems that make you feel all float-y.

Keep up the good work! I'm sure you're gf will love it.

[Emily Rose]

This is better, but I still think you could be a bit more specific. Why, exactly, is your girlfriend's personality unlike anyone else's? (Note the apostrophe!) What makes her beautiful? Why do her eyes make her perfect? For example, what color are her eyes? Try comparing them to something else that's also that color (for example - "your eyes compare to the verdance of a deep forest" or "your chocolate eyes make me melt inside" or "the sky is shamed by the blue that is your eyes"). Be creative in your comparisons! Strong imagery is half the battle in poetry, and you've got to be as specific and creative as you possibly can to make it stand out. Good luck!

[Emily Rose]

Aww that's sweet and flattering. You get your sentiment across, but it might be a little more powerful if you add some more imagery - describe what you like about your girlfriend, her physical characteristics and why you love them etc. etc. You don't have to, but it make make it a little more meaningful. Also my inner grammar nerd requires that I point out that the "your" in the third line should be "you're" :-) Very sweet and sentimental. Keep writing!