I Want to be With Her

I was desperate for air. I watched as each grueling second smeared globs of fear and pain over her eyes. Blinding her from reason and reality. Corrupting her thoughts with hate and sadness.  It twisted and merged together with her blue tears. I held her closer, catching the litter of tears on my gray pea coat. She started to grab for my hand, unable to handle the pain on her own. I was there for her, but I wasn’t there for her. These dirty tears are not caused by my unfaithfulness but by my dirty thoughts. Somewhere between ‘I’ll see you later tonight’ and ‘Gosh, today was a long day’, I saw her.

Yes her. You do not know who she is, but she is everything I never thought I wanted. When I say ‘I love you’, I still love you but as I recently started to understand. It takes more than love to make a relationship work and we have been falling back on love for far too long. I want love to be the base and everything to be built on it. That is not the case with you.

She whispered something into my ear and pulled away for a moment, looking into my face for something she long lost.

Yes, I remember that time that I swept you off your feet into my arms and laid you on the hammock. Then kissed you and promised you this is how it will always be. Yes, I remember when we went star gazing and I renamed the ‘big dipper’ for you, giving it a whole new meaning. I also remember when you said that we will go out dancing but you are always too tired. I remember when you said we will read every night together but you complain and whine about your day instead.

In my deepest of hearts I want to still be with you, I want to look at you the way I used to. I want to love you the way I used to. Who are you? Where did you go, I miss you and I want you back so bad. This person is just the leftovers of broken dreams and halfhearted attempts.

Here it comes, the ‘promises’. I can’t believe a word you say anymore. When words are as worthless as yours, I am surprised Greece doesn't adopt it as their national currency. Remember when you said you wouldn't do anything with Greg anymore after I forgave you? Remember when I put up with it all those months?

When I was a child I would see all of these movies on the television and the woman would be all upset about the man cheating, lying, and always asking for a second chance. I told myself I would never be that kind of man, I thought you cared about me as much as I did. I guess that is really what it boils down to. As time passes on, who cares about the other one more? Who cares enough not to cheat, who cares enough not to lie, who cares enough not to leave. I don’t care. I don’t care about this woman in front of me. I miss her. I miss her so much and between ‘I’ll see you later tonight’ and ‘Gosh, today was a long day’ I've been watching our wedding video.

I want to be with her.

Reviews

[Seashell]

This touched my heart this morning as I read a very painful want in a husband plea for his bride to be back. Mistakes are made, time goes by and interest is lost, some things are never as exciting as it used to be, some things never return to the way they were. Maybe time to look in to both hearts true desires or carry on regardless till the end of time, making the most of what you've got.
To forgive, forget and move on takes two people. It can't be done with just half of the couple. Two inputs to fix it. If someone's heart is elsewhere it's never going to be as it was.
But hey all couples are so very different. Some simply 'manage' which is not the best scenario but maybe the only one for them.
Very well written. It held me to the end.
To pour ones heart out is not an easy thing to do. You have captured it all here
Thanks for share
:-) x