An edited reflection on uncertainty

A Poem by ximena

Original version by my 13yo self.

The universe is vast, complex, and infinite. Everything in it happens for a reason.

One day you fall, another day you’ll stand tall, proud of what you are. Someday you’ll fall hoping you’ll stand up as fast as you did the first time around. And if that doesn’t happen you’ll look up at the stars and start wondering why you ended up there, what was it you did wrong. If you did anything wrong at all.

If you learn your lesson you will eventually get up, and keep walking knowing you won’t fall in the same spot again.

But you may also get up without learning a single thing. So you’ll keep falling over and over in the same exact place until you forget you can get up.

The universe is complicated though. Sometimes, when things happen, our little brains feel desperate to understand why.

Truth is, I'm not sure if we're capable of doing so; however, here’s something I’m sure about:

I believe most people in our lives are mere coincidences. Glimpses of light or darkness who appear on the road. In a lifetime, you’ll meet thousands of random people, but it’s up to you to clean up the list and carefully choose the ones you wish to keep by your side.

But one day, no matter how young or old you are, a particular person will happen to you.

When you look into their eyes you’ll know they’re the one with whom you want to spend your entire life with. You’ll stare at the sky and be grateful because you owe it to the universe to be grateful for letting you find each other. You’ll smile, and laugh, and be happy. You’ll want to thank the person as well, but you won't know how.

Because the only way there is to thank someone for their existence, is by existing too.

Love is vast, complex, and-if it’s real-infinite. Love happens for a reason that maybe we’re not built to understand.

So when your lover leaves, you'll think you’re prepared, but truth is, you can never be prepared for losing someone you love.

You might have been told this person only has a year left to live, you might know this for a fact. Countless of people might have said the same thing. And yet when they see their final day and you witness them leave you’ll still get mad. You will still cry and plead for a just a little more time.

But the universe knows its ways, and us, in our selfish, tiny minds, can’t bear with the fact that we’re not in control of all what surrounds us.

If you asked me; wouldn’t it hurt less if what I’m keeping was what I should’ve kept instead?

My answer would be no. There are millions of moments that should’ve been, but they weren’t, and that’s how things are.

When everything’s gone you cry and mourn, and angrily shout at the night to ask why. Why was it taken away from me? Why did I let it happen?

You’ll remember the last time you were held in your lover’s arms, and you’ll smile because the universe might have taken them from you but it can’t take away your memories. You’ll remember the first time you held hands, or the first time you made them laugh. The first time you slept in their bed, doing nothing but sharing the inherent intimacy of sleep.

You’ll want to hold on tight to this, because you were happy. You want to be happy.

And finally, you’ll understand. And you’ll be grateful. Because even if it might’ve not lasted too long, you spent that time moments with someone special.

You’ll understand that the universe is vast, complex, and infinite-but most of all-you’ll understand that the key to it all, is that you don’t have to understand at all.

There will be one day, after you lose and find, after you laugh and after you cry, after you build and after you destroy. One day, when you’ll be amazed by the sole miracle of existence and all what's left will be gratefulness. And yes, you’ll feel sad, maybe a bit angry, perhaps confused, but you will not stop walking.

You won’t know for sure where the road you’re walking will lead, but you’ll walk it anyway.

Someday, when you find your lover again, you’ll be glad you kept walking knowing that the universe creates and transforms, but never, ever destroys. And if you know where you’re going it doesn’t matter what road you take, you will always end up where you’re meant to be.

You will hug them tighter than you ever did, you might cry, you might laugh. You’ll smile and look up at the clouds and the shining sun, and be grateful for all the times you fell over and over and only then, you’ll experience raw, true happiness.

Because in the end, the universe is vast, complex, and infinite. It gives us coincidences and people, and a road full of joy with an equal amount of sorrows. And it's only up to us to keep walking. To keep our minds and hearts open to love, because as much as we might not know the exact reason why things happen, or why they don’t happen at all, we can always count on the fact that the only thing we can ever be sure about, is that we can't ever be completely sure about anything.

And isn’t that the most exciting of it all?