My Selfish Dead Heart

A young woman died but refused to let a man that she loved, who was still alive, go.

MY SELFISH DEAD HEART

 

Once upon a time, in a cold and grim city, there lived a young lady named Olivia. Olivia was breathtakingly beautiful. She was incredibly canny as well. But the one feature that was always associated with Olivia was that she always got what she wanted.

“She always gets what she wants. Always,” her proud mother said. “But sometimes she becomes a little… aggressive in the process. Only a little,” she continued with a giggle.

People around Olivia did not really know how they felt about her. They admired her but were scared of her at the same time. They tried to avoid her as much as they could, leaving her with almost no friend at all. Almost, because she still had one friend: Joseph.

The calm boy met the avid girl when they both were very young and somehow found a way to keep up with her. Olivia loved how mysteriously silent Joseph was; her curiosity about him was insatiable. On the other hand, Joseph saw Olivia’s burning ambitions as something unique. He told her that he had never met any girl like her before. Years after their first meeting, they realized that they loved each other and decided to get married.

Joseph’s and Olivia’s families were very busy preparing their wedding. They did everything that was necessary: inviting everyone they knew, ordering the best cooks to prepare the meals, designing a magnificent dress for the bride, and all other wedding stuff. The wedding would have been a perfect one if the horrifying thing had not happened two nights before the wedding day.

It was nearly midnight, and Olivia had to walk home alone. While she was rushing through the dark streets, two drunken men ambushed her.

“Where are you going, beautiful?” shouted one of the men while the other one was trying to hold Olivia’s arms. Olivia tried to push them away, but they started laughing. The man who was holding her tightened his grip and the other man ripped Olivia’s clothes. Olivia shrieked and cried desperately, so one of the men took a rock from the street and hit her head with it to silence her. The pain from the blow was the last thing she felt.

Olivia turned into a ghost and flew to Joseph’s house. She found the man that she loved sitting on his own bed; his face looked vacuous.

“He must have found out about me,” Olivia thought. “Oh, my love, you must be devastated.”

She tried to reach Joseph’s shoulder with her hand, but she could not touch him. She tried again with both of her hands, but they were like smoke to Joseph’s solid flesh. Olivia was furious.

“Even though I can no longer touch your skin,” she swore in her rage, “I am not leaving you, my love. I am not letting you go.”

Olivia really did what she swore. She kept haunting Joseph wherever he went, not letting him forget about her. She made him see her shadow when he either closed or opened his eyes. She made him hear her voice when it was completely silent. She came to his darkest and most awful nightmares. She kept him mourning about her death. She tortured him.

One day, the mournful Joseph went out drinking with his best friend, John. “You need to get your life back, my friend,” said John. “Let’s have some drink and forget your sorrow!”

The two men went to a pub that was owned by John’s friend, Gordon. While Gordon and John were chatting and drinking, Joseph’s eyes were locked to a girl behind the bar: Violet.

Violet was Gordon’s younger sister. Her hair was long and dark while her eyes were big and grey, reminded Joseph of his Olivia. However, unlike Olivia, who had fire burning in her eyes all the time, this girl had fragile beauty that longed for protection and tenderness. Joseph was stunned by Violet’s unusual beauty. For the first time since Olivia’s death, Joseph was able to forget his painful loss.

As the two became closer and closer, love began to grow inside their young hearts. His new love allowed Joseph to forget his anguish and continue his life. “You are the cure for the bleeding wound in my heart,” said Joseph before he leaned to kiss Violet’s lips softly.

From a dark corner, Olivia saw Joseph and Violet’s first kiss. She was furious. However, she was not the only one who was unhappy about Joseph and Violet. John was also pissed to see the girl whom he had secretly loved and his best friend together.

      Olivia could smell John’s hatred and flew to the man’s house. She went to his ear and whispered a devilish suggestion.

“Kill him,” she whispered cruelly. “The girl is yours, but he steals her from you. He has betrayed you! You have the right to do it! Kill him!”

The resentful John could not use his mind to think clearly at that time. He took his gun and rushed to Joseph’s house. He knocked the door and, as soon as Joseph opened it for him, killed his best friend with a single shot.

Violet, who was also there in Joseph’s house, was down on her knees and cried next to Joseph’s dead body.

“How could you do this?” she asked John hysterically. “He was your best friend!”

John did not say anything for a moment. He stared at his hand and the gun it was holding. He fell on his knees and started crying. With tears pouring from his eyes, John took his gun again and shot his own head with it.

Joseph turned into a ghost and was enthusiastically welcomed by Olivia. Knowing what Olivia had done, Joseph acted coldly towards her.

“You said you loved me,” said Joseph, “but now look at what you have done! This is not love. You do not love me. You are selfish!”

Olivia was startled to hear what Joseph said. She felt very irritated and was very angry at Joseph. While Olivia was still burned by her exasperation, Joseph flew away to find Violet.

Joseph found Violet kneeling next to his grave. She was holding a bouquet in silence, but Joseph could see tears falling from her bright eyes. Even though he knew that Violet would not be able to actually hear his words, he approached her and went to her ear.

“I love you,” he whispered, “and even if you stop crying for me, I will always know that you feel the same.”

Violet sobbed and trembled, and then put the bouquet on the grave. After a long gaze to the tombstone, she stood up and slowly walked away.

Author's Note

My very first writing. I will be happy to get some comments and suggestions so that I could improve my writing :)

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

Hi Rifa!

Pleasure to make your digital acquaintance. It seems to me English is not your first language? If so then bravo for doing as well as you have done, but there are definitely some parts here that need some fine-tuning.

"Leaving her with almost no friend at all" - should be 'friends'

The sentence that follows begins with 'almost' to use it twice so close together for the same meaning throws the flow of the story off, also you create a grammar issue by setting a juxtaposed idea in a separate sentence when really it should be joined together. Consider...

"They left her with almost no friends at all, just the one, the one who would not shy away: Joseph."

You then use 'on the other hand', this should present an opposite idea, yet it presents a complimentary idea, Olivia likes something about joseph, joseph likes something about Olivia. You could replace this phrase with something like 'just as perfectly' or something to that effect.

Try to avoid using the word 'stuff' ("and other wedding stuff") it sounds sloppy. you can just as easily say 'other wedding preparations'.

Now I could go on and on but you see my point, the piece is rife with grammatical and basic structural errors, I'll do my best to focus on the main points, the rest will be fixed by practice and practice and reading and reading.
1. You describe Olivia as 'canny' yet everything she does in the story is the exact opposite of that word.
2. There's no need for the sudden 'time jump' before the wedding, you can just write the narrative as the timeline unfolds naturally, the event will be more tragic and horrifying if you do not tell us it is coming beforehand.
3. Olivia's powers as a ghost grow to the point where she can talk to the living, it makes no sense for her not to have just spoken to Joseph if she has this power.
4. If John was obsessed with the bar owner's daughter, why did he never make this plain to Joseph, his best friend?
5. The instant Joseph becomes a ghost, he somehow knows that it has been Olivia's plot all along, how does he get this information?

This is a short sharp story which is moderately original and does have a few good moments, I feel you're being held back by both a language barrier and perhaps a lack of formal narrative structure. For pieces this short I would recommend reading someone like Rudyard Kipling, he has a mastery of quick and cogent plot development over a short period of time.
I encourage you to practice and practice, the talent is there, it just needs time to grow!

-Robin

[Rifa Andhini]

Whoa what a long and detailed review! I find your review very constructive & highly appreciate them. Thank you!

And you're right, English isn't my first language. I'm from Indonesia, but I studied English literature. I read English books and stories a lot but I realize that I still have much to learn when it comes to making my own books and stories...

[Shilpi. S. Dey]

it is beautiful. your piece of writing is beautiful. it made me cry.

[Rifa Andhini]

wow really? please don't cry! haha thanks :)

[A. Amos]

Keep writing my friend and try to read others as much as you can, it will help you to learn fast. All the best

[Rifa Andhini]

thanks for the suggestion!

[Naysan arif]

Its good and interesting ... your first attempt is highly appreciable...:)
all the best!

[Rifa Andhini]

thank youuu :)