No-Show Dad

a son's lifelong lament about an alcoholic father who was never around

The self-inflicted gunshot wounds

Bored holes in high-topped feet,

While streets on which he stumbled

Humbled not elitist thoughts or deeds.

His military bearing, while not wearing

Creaseless uniforms

Informed the ones he cowered from that

He could never be the one.

 

When all I wanted was to live within his shadow,

His black light,

His fight to suffer by himself, with me in sight,

So deathly cold. How could what he

Should not have done surround his wretched life,

Without a thought for me, his son,

Or his wife of cheating, leading me;

Told of this calamity, he fled without

His sanity, his illness blamed for all he’d done.

The bottles in the dark could now bear witness

To his one stark illness, wrapped in lies and doubt.

 

The times in which I needed to

Succeed within my social growth, he both

Denied and disappeared, a thousand twisted

Miles away. These days had left me bitter;

He admitted that he’d died as dad…

Now I’m an orphaned son.

 

dan © 2015

 

Music: “Father O.S.A.,” by Styx

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Kelly Scheppers]

"The bottles in the dark could now bear witness
To his one stark illness, wrapped in lies and doubt."

I had an uncle that always drank on the weekends. He was a completely different man when he had a couple of beers. It made him more vulnerable and somewhat aggressive. I hated being around him when he was like that, so I had to find a way of handling him and the akward situation his drinking always subjected me to. I found there was a gentler man that emerged, when provoked...that is, whenever I spoke of my Dad, who was his younger brother, who had died years before. This whole new persona took over him, and I had him in the palm of my hand.

Writing is a good catharsis for pain, and I'd be willing to bet that in writing this, it's rewarded you with a sense of the man you really are. To allow yourself to be this open and vulnerable takes a lot of resilience, Dan...and you always turn my head whenever you show that depth you have as a writer!

I applaud you...over and over again!

[dan]

Kelly, When looking back now every attempt to get through to me makes perfect sense, but at the time I was impervious to being in any palm in any hand. Thankfully my son and I are close now and I see him and my grandkids 5-6 times a year (they life about 70 miles away in Pittsburgh), though if he would drive up here (Indiana, PA) we could see each other more; but I guess it's a small price to pay to see them, as much as I would like it to be more often. Thank you for your empathic review with your own personal experience tied in; and all the credit to my depth as a writer comes from the a*****e behavior from my past and my frantic efforts to redeem myself. take care...dan

[modtoddinc]

"Creaseless uniforms

Informed the ones he cowered from that

He could never be the one"

Great piece of work Dan, these are my favorite lines... the play or inversion of words is quiet well done whether intentional or poetic flow, it works very well. .. allow me to clarify: uni (one) form and (in)form along with the ones vs. the one... its great writing. Thank you.

~peace, Todd

[dan]

Actually the rhyme sequence was uniform/inform and one/cowered FROM/the one...kind of sloppy now that I wrote it out again...but sometimes sloppy just may work. Thank you for your kind words. take care...dan

[modtoddinc]

I totally understand. My comment is in regards to the 'play' on words. Most likely unintentional, and yet still powerful as the words can be interpreted as well as the art ". It's a great poem in any interpretation of the words used.

[AaronFreitas]

This is an awesome write that many will be able to relate to. Best thing to do is write about it and get it out... we can't change the mistakes we've made and it sucks to live with them. All you can do is be the best, strongest person today. Beautiful write... very touching Dan :)

[dan]

Aaron, Thank you, my son and I are closer now than we've ever been and the past is something we talk openly about on occasion; he lives about 70 miles away in Pittsburgh and I get down to see him and my grandkids as often as possible. Thanks for the read/review. take care...dan

[AaronFreitas]

Thats awesome... can't change the past but you can be closer than ever now... amazing :)

[613]

This was beautifully written.

My favorite line(s):
"Told of this calamity, he fled without
His sanity,"

Great work. I could feel the raw emotion in this piece.

- Brittney

[dan]

Thanks so much, Brittney, for taking the time to read and review the piece. Your warm words mean a lot to me. take care...dan

[613]

Sure thing!

[....................]

Putting yourself in your son's shoes to write about your past shortcomings as a liquid addicted parent reveals more about the man you have become, Dan than the man that you were... this kind of reflection is not easy but you face it with such poetic voice that the reader is left applauding your admissions, even if they are through the eyes of your son. This is, indeed, an accomplishment, to be able to write so freely about something so personal. Bravo, my friend, bravo!! - FT

[dan]

FT, Yeah I've actually written about this before but every so often I am overcome by guilt and I find that writing is my way of purging some of the pain. Some of these I keep private but I thought that this one may be worth posting. Thank you for your kind words. take care...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Well my friend, i can relate to this. My dad is nowhere to be found when he is needed....well anyone can find him in the pub after work. Drunk like hell. Sadly my mother is a piece of junk when it comes to taking care of her responsibilities. So yeah, sometimes it hurts... But I've got used to it.

[dan]

IM, Only in this case I wrote in MY son's voice, I was the no-show dad...he had two parents who were too embattled with each other, too drunk or stoned to provide him with the love he needed when he was young. Thankfully he turned out alright (he's 32 now) but much guilt remains. Thank you for the review. taek care...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Well...time doesn't heal every wound. You should talk to him more often. That will lift the guilt. He's still your son, isn't he?

[Dani The Unreviewed]

I'm sorry...its probably not mine to say... But I've said what was on my mind. And you are welcome.

[dan]

Oh, that's OK, and we DO talk all the time, he and his wife and my grandkids live 70 miles away in Pittsburgh and I get down to see him about 6 or 7 times a year. Thank you for speaking your mind, you've got every right to your opinion. thx...dan

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Thanks:) and you as welcome:)

[B]

This is an extremely strong write of suffering. You did a great job of putting your reader in your own shoes. Choices we all make that lead us down different paths. Only we seldom realize there are people around us that get to be part of our picture and suffer from the wrong decisions we make.

I really felt this ..... Great job !!

[dan]

Nisreenaa, I actually wrote this in my son's voice. The no-show dad is me back when he was a little boy (he's 32 now) Thank you so much for the read/review. take care...dan

[B]

Well you are quite a brave man :)

[B]

All my respect to you Dan ..... didnt know honest people still lived on earth .....