First Journal Entry - 4/11/2017

Journal entry on life.

I'm nearly 18. I'm nearly an adult. I'm nearly old enough to start my life. Yet, somehow I still feel incapable to make my own simple decisions. I can't decide on what to wear, where to eat, what to do. I contemplate getting up in the morning, if my own agenda is even worth doing. I'm nearly 18, I've been living nearly 2 decades, and I haven't the faintest idea on what I'm doing. The comments went from "you'll understand when you're older, don't worry about that," almost instantaneously to "you're an adult. you don't need anyone to hold your hand anymore." If only that comment was true because I haven't had anyone hold my hand my entire existence. I've been living with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I can't get out of bed. I cant look at the time. I can't get water, despite the burning pain in my throat. I can't bring myself to get up some days. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm underwater, screaming as the water rushes into my lungs. I can't stop shaking. They ask what's wrong, they ask why am I freaking out over "nothing." Why do I have to alter their plans purely based on my mental state? Why can't I just go with what they want?  I apologize. I blame myself. I go into a self-loathing episode. I can't stop blaming myself, even over my careless mistakes. If only others could understand that I don't mean to be self-destructive. I don't mean to have attacks. I don't mean to change plans, I'm not being selfish or stupid. I don't mean to be the way I am, but that is something I'm not apologetic about. I'm not sorry that I am who I am. 

Author's Note

Just some personal stuff, comment if ya want.

Reviews

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Since this is personal, I wish to just give a comment more than an advice. Depression and Anxiety are real, and throughout my life I havent been closer to anyone but them, and they visit and they come and go, but this time we sit and have coffee and talk things through, and just like that, we became friends and they have been teaching me things in life. I just want you to always know, they can teach more than they can hurt.

[Jessica Lima]

You know... nobody has it figure it out. You will go thru life winging it. Every time you fail, congratulate yourself! You've found another way on how NOT to do something. When you do something write, pass it on. That's just how life is. If you don't know something ask. Ask different people too so they don't know what you don't know. One day you'll realized that you survived it all and that's wisdom. :)