A Lover at Sea

The thoughts of two lovers as they are apart

Do you ever wonder if the sun still shines here?

Do you wish with all your heart that I am near?

The radiant crescent moon is your companion

Through your lonely sea voyage. Oh anon!

I pray the drown god is full of mercy,

And bring your safely back to me.

Let the dark ominous water lessen his wrath;

And guide you gently to the right path.

Do you ever wonder if the sun still shines the same there?

Oh how I wish to feel the soft touch of my lover fair.

A thousand miles and three seas we're apart.

Yet I know back at my home shore lie my heart.

The malevolent sea breeze; here she beckons

Calling to join her watery tomb I reckon.

With every whiff of her waves and her salty tears,

she seduces me an whispers in my ears.

I gasp for air as water fill my breath.

And close my eyes as the ocean found me rest.

Oh my lover sweet and fair, how I wish to see thee.

I pray with all my heart you will not wait for your lover at sea.

Author's Note

The photo is not mine so credits to the owner of this wonderful painting.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This is solemn and at times poetically profound with a great story to it. However, certain lines are rather wordy for the musicality to flow smoothly, and in some cases, there are grammar issues such as "And bringS you safely back to me" (because in the previous line, the "drown god" - I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean....Neptune? Poseidon? or "drownED God? - whatever the case, you say "....drown god is full of mercy" and therefore the hope in the second line is that he "brings". Watch out for those, for there are a few throughout the poem). Also, there are things (like the aforementioned "drown God") that don't quite make much sense in what exactly you're trying to say (others include: "Oh anon", "shines here"/there" (what are these places exactly?), "let the dark ominous water lessen his wrath"....how would that make sense to the story?). Furthermore, this appears to be a duet of sorts between the two lovers, but it's not quite as clear as to which lover is speaking in which stanza (especially since the stanzas are not of an even number, so we can't particularly follow along). This is not to say, tell us which one, but have each one speak a certain way so we are aware by how they're talking that it's the sailor or the lover speaking (you do it a bit by the "Do you ever wonder" lines (but we're not entirely sure who says those). This is a phenomenal start, don't get me wrong. I love the theme and the story, and how it's constructed, but with some tweaking to the musicality, some editing on the grammar, and some clarification as to who is who in the stanzas, this indeed would be a golden gem of poetry.

[Abigail Latoreno]

Looking at the poem again I have realized that I had made a lot of mistakes and I completely agree with you on all of those. Frankly I'm quite embarrassed with my poem now but yeah, I learned a lot from your review and I'm sure to watch out for those mistakes next time. I'm going to review the work and make the necessary changes. I am so happy to be able to learn a lot and receive such informative comments. I thank you so much for your effort and I appreciate every piece of advice you give. I hope I am able to improve my skills soon.