Lunchtime

My Engish essay for my coursework. As my teacher is yet to mark it, why don't you guys do it for me?

SPLASH!!! The water rippled intensely. A monumental swarm of white bubbles stormed towards me. My head twitched, I shot forward. I begin to lurk inquisitively under the deep sea.

I look down and see a familiar carpet of smooth, almost white sand, infested with little red crabs and a posse of clown fish.

Above me is the glistening top layer of water, directing back the suns rays like a little child with a magnifying glass, frazzling an innocent beetle into the ground.

To my left, I can see the rounded shape of a hull of what must be a sailing boat. It’s gliding elegantly through the water, reminiscent of a figure skater pirouetting across the ice.

I carefully swim closer to take a better look at the supposed boat. Through a patch of mazy, deep green seaweed I spot a creature shift. What it is I’m not certain of, perhaps an appetizing seal.

It looks to be panicking frantically. Could this be lunch?

I sniff up the aroma of some heavenly red blood. The creature must have hurt itself. The blood is seemingly wafting closer through the water, gaining on me every instant, almost as if it were a cloud of toxic gas leaking out of a hazardous laboratory.

I close in on the wounded potential prey with keen, wide eyes. I can’t wait to drag my snack into the depths of the ocean and tear it to pieces!

I sneak up behind it, my fin the only thing on display to those aboard the boat and the onlookers from the distant shore. My hunts always seem to draw a generous crowd; the entire aquatic community look on. I open my jaws wide, generating a massive gaping hole to swallow and consume my victim into.

I take a substantial bite from the rear and crush, chomp, and chew my way through the multiple layers of skin. It’s tough, and rather lean. I can’t taste the type of juicy grisly fat that so I frequently enjoy. This tastes solely firm, muscular and even some of it is solid.

This is no seal! I spit out the trash, I don’t like its irregular texture in my mouth. What is this monstrosity?!

I choke out a dented oxygen tank along with a goggle-fronted mask. I think I’ve been mistaken. Of course! This must have been a human, one of those funny shaped ones that leap in from the boats, loaded with their clunky equipment and those nasty flashy objects that track my movements, waiting patiently for the opportunity for a perfect shot of my torpedo-shaped figure.

I see the weary and withered human body sway in the current of the sea as it begins to float upwardly towards the currently brewing waves at the peak of the water.

I look into his innocent deep-set eyes, white and dead. The human’s nylon clothing is both ripped and torn and intently marked by my gnashing teeth. His tinted brown hair flops over his pale, white face before being swept back up again by the unpredictable force of the sea.

His corpse now drifts at the top of the ocean like a single stemmed leaf buoyant over a puddle.  

I swoop round encircling the dead carcass and swim off discontented, greatly anticipating dinner time.

 

 

Reviews

[José Humilde]

I think you have a nice short story here. Fantastic imagery. Nice solid piece of work to hand in to your instructor.

The only thing that I would have to comment on is the end with the you (creature?) biting the human. I would have liked to have seen the thought process of how it would be, biting into the oxygen tank. Something like, "Oh, something foreign. A tubular metallic tasting..." etc etc etc. Then again, based on the vocabulary/thought process of you(creature) in the story, I don't think it would be too hard to argue that it was intellectual enough to KNOW what it was...

Here are a few notes I took, while reading:
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My head twitched, I shot forward. I begin to lurk inquisitively under the deep sea. [A bit confusing. It seems that you went from the past tense to the present tense. You might need to go back and revise that.]

posse of clown fish [great imagery!]

Maybe its part of your assignment to not show as much...but as a reader, I wanted to know WHAT was swimming. Was it YOU...a creature? (I kept envisioning a shark, of course.)
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Thanks for sharing! And good luck with your assignment!

-JH

[Jessica]

This is very good, Ross. I love th part where you describe the corpse. You certainly deservered you good mark for this.

[Ross Copping]

Incase you're interested, I was given an A* for this piece of work today! 52/54, quite pleased! Reckon that's a fair judgement?

[LynLee]

wow you have amazing describing words, something i dont have, i totally felt what the shark was because everybody makes mistakes, technically not big ones like mistaking a human for a seal, but still it gets the thought that animals and humans can be the same.

[Kanattas Atir Enomo]

this is a really good piece with vivid imagery. i like how you told it from the point of view of the animal. i like how much detail you used in this piece and i could really imagine this happening. good job.

[marshyman]

good

[Purple Wallby]

aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome

[[KL]]

A powerful piece. I'll be surprised if you do not get an A.. "monumental swarm of white bubbles" great line right there. Something Mr Schwarz himself would say.. Good stuff :L You should enter this is a contest, it'd place for sure.
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[M]