Deceit

 

Deceit

 

Deceit…

 

Oh, Hollow, Wretched Creature!

Beneath soiled kingly robes

Beneath false gilded crown

Behind sly smiling teeth

Behind foul perfumed breath

You hide decay of soul

You hide malign intent

You hide Your meatless bones

 

Oh Black One, You’re a monster

So practiced in Your arts

With smile and laugh and jest

And happy Your demeanor

When introduced to guests

Yet cold is Thy embrace

Malicious is Your heart

Ruination Thy design

 

How be we rid of Thee?

Through careful watchful eye

Through constant love of truth

With steadfast best intent

Through heartfelt brotherhood!

Oh may we know Thy face

And shun Thy company

Instead may truth be found

 

We must be rid of Thee!

 

 

 

 

©2009 Richard Puetter

All rights reserved.

 

 

This poem was inspired by Emma's poem "Dreams might be wiser", see http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/scrapemma/429339/.

Author's Note

Dear Thracian,

Thanks for your review. As always, it is quite thorough and thought provoking. And while I generally don't comment on reviews, this is such a detailed review that I want to make a few comments. You'll note that I've commented on your reviews several times before. As I've said, they are thought provoking.

First, we've discussed this before, i.e., do I count "ed" as a separate syllable. The answer as before, is no, I don't. I find this a somewhat arcaic practice, even though I generally support preservation of "correct" English and generally shun the introduction of slang, etc., into the language. Still, in common pronunciation of "ed" as a separate syllable, at least in the United States, is essentially dead. I certainly have never heard this done for most of my life.

Now, on the 6-syllable count, because that's what we're left with if "ed" is not a separate syllable, no, there is no "number of the beast (666)" thing going on here. It is simply a meter I've decided to use for the poem. The line metric length is short to keep the pace of the poem fast, making the lines emphatic declarations.

Regarding simplicity of speech, you correctly remember. I always profess simplicity and clarity. But this is a poem about deceit, which is anything but simple and clear. So the words fit the topic. There is embroidery, there is slight of hand, there is hiding behind cover, and there is embellished speech. This is the nature of deceit.

And I agree with your comment that there is an easy melody in

Oh, Beast!
You hide beneath,
Hollow!
You hide behind,
Wretched!
you hide beneath, behind... you hide.

In fact I like this quite a bit, but what is your point? These words by themselves really don't say too much. Now maybe they do to you, and perhaps I can see that they might with some effort by the reader. But I think you are too clever and fast on the up-take. As I've said before, I'm not into making the reader work. I'm into clarity and simplicity. I don't want my reader to work at all, at least not at discerning my meaning. It is another matter entirely if the words (clear in their meaning) provoke difficult thought and reexamination of values or point of view.

My very best regards,

Rick

Reviews

[emmajoy]

The flow of this outpaces anything I could write about Deceit, Rick.

You always write with such finesse; even those horrible traits making up deceit: the false facade, the snide manner et al are made somehow worthy when you write ... even though they shouldn't be!

'Oh Black One, You're a monster ~ So practiced in Your arts ~ With smile and laugh and jest ~ And happy Your demeanor ~ When introduced to guests'

I love the old English ring of this, as if written when men could be knights or scoundrels. You, sir, are very definitely one of the former.

Thank you for sharing and in your own way, commiserating. x

[The Thracian]

I'm a little confused about your form here. I don't know if you mean to maintain 6 throughout (as some kind of symbolism in reference of the bible, "the number of the beast" etc) because you've quite a few 7s. I also don't know if some of these are intentional (are you counting the -ed suffixes?). By means of this confusion, I will neglect any form and suggest things assuming either 7 or 6 will do.

Tobe honest, the entire first strophe seems useless to me. You could take the essential ideas (I presume) you were trying to get across (beneath/beneath/behind/behind/you hide/you hide/you hide) and make something interesting out of that. I'm all for the triplets, and by all means extend your six theme if you want and make the strophe shorter... Just listen to the easy melody of repeating those words alone...

Oh, Beast!
You hide beneath,
Hollow!
You hide behind,
Wretched!
you hide beneath, behind... you hide.

Iambs, trochees ? Either way, they sound lovely. You always argue simplicity and clarity, don't you? Why add all that superfluous talk of kings, foul smiles, and sly teeth.

Oh Black[ened/ening] One, [You] monster!
So practiced in [vile] arts
[laughing, smiling all in jest].
Happy's the demeanor
when introduced [a guest],
yet cold is your embrace;
Malicious you are at heart
bane is your lorn design.

I think you know I'm not a fan of starting every line with a capitalized letter. Although it may irrationally seem fit of logicality, it's beyond pointless and imposes a form in a domain that seeks its beauty in subtlety. Punctuation is another story altogether - I like it, some don't. That I leave up to you. Oh, and perhaps I am missing the point, but what's up with your 'thy' and 'thee' -ing things?

How [may we be] rid of Thee? (it sounds nice, but drop the 'thee')
By careful, watchful eyes
and constant love of truth;
with a steadfast intent
of heartfelt brotherhood!
Oh we may know your face
but be shunned in our presence -
may truth then be in your stead.
[]

Last two brackets at an omission of your last line, which is also substantially superfluous (given that the first copy would be modified, the point is lost). You could end with 'begone' or even add in the words of the first stanza ('Begone, black and hollowed beast' or what ever you will).

I also wonder at the poignancy of your image. But that's a matter of pugilism! Have yourself a good day Rick.

[Naomi Montana Walsh]

How be we rid of Thee?Through careful watchful eyeThrough constant love of truthWith steadfast best intentThrough heartfelt brotherhood!Oh may we know Thy faceAnd shun Thy companyInstead may truth be found We must be rid of Thee!

I too have incountered him.. who knows how to rid ourselves of this kind of thing.. we can only vow not to become it..well done..

[Jennifer Marie Theresa ..]

It reminds me of good versus evil...how Lucifer or any malicious person tries to tempt souls in making the wrong choices...how there isn't a solid interior. I love the diction and the feelings made alive in this poem. amazing write.

[THE LOST ROSE]

I never read a poem so creativly done about being decietful. It flowed so perfectly and a few lines each reader I am sure at some point in their lives saw themselves. It is like being exposed and told so by a top orator. Standing "O".

[spence]

Hi Rick- I apologise for the delay in reading this one at your request, but it's the summer hols and I've been doing family stuff a lot over the last few weeks, but here is my review of Deciet- at long last!
Despite my own preoccupation with the topic of the poem, the main thing that struck me about this was the flow- tempo- whatever you want to call it. It was one of those reads that takes the reader along its course without them even realising they are absorbing it at a rhythm. I really like the way this was put together- I think it would work great spoken aloud.
As for the subject matter- it seems very much open to individual interpretation exactly whom 'deceit' may be describing, but in my opinion this sums up those that I would categorise as 'elite' or 'ruling class', celebrity and a host of similar fraudulent personas- that, by necessity of their superior status, must lie in order to maintain their aura of detachment that keeps the mass happily distracted. (Can I get extra points for 'longest sentence' in a review do you think?).
Anyway- a well cool write, subtle and intruiging. I hope to be about more over the next few weeks, so I'll catch up with your work a.s.a. -humanly- p. (though I do have at least one festival and a camping trip pencilled in over the next month, so please bare with me : ) spence

[papaed]

A noble intent for sure... to be rid of deceit, which now has a face and a devious personality, thanks to your wonderful ability with words. You might read my "Truth Lies" for a similar intent from a different angle. Love this and find the number of responses and quality of comments here so refreshing.

Love you all.
papaed

[JC]

One would think this was written centuries ago.... I agree with the others, it is a classic.

You hide decay of soul
You hide malign intent

My favorite lines.

Kudos and thank you for the read request.

[Mason Vail]

Even if I didn't hate Deceit before, you would have convinced me! The whole thing GRABS me. I hear snapping, gnawing, biting, cold darkness... *shudder*

As Emma said, it sounds ancient - like something passed down through oral tradition. Good stuff.

[Ellen Hammond]

This is amazing. I love how you personified deceit and exposed its many facets. In the end you state the only true way of exorcizing it from our lives. You are a gifted poet with keen insight.