Starless Night - A Study of "Bright Star" by John Keats/co-write with Sheila Kline

Thoughts and progression of an antithesis based on "Bright Star" by romantic poet, John Keats

        Photographer:  “Giuseppe”,  ‘Starless Night’,

             Holiday Florida, USA,  Jan 27, 2012

 

An Introduction to a Study of “Starless Night”--Sheila Kline

When I first read “Bright Star” written by John Keats in 1819 for his love, Fannie Brawne, I decided to write a poem that followed Keats’ form - punctuation and meter exactly.  In contrast, I chose to write an antithesis of the original poem.  After much thought, I posted the poem “Starless Night”, (Version 1) which fit the rules I set down for myself. My talented friend and writer,  Rick Puetter read “Starless Night” and wrote an adaptation, keeping much of my original work.  Since Rick did not know the rules I had set down when I originally wrote the poem, his version did not follow Keats’ form.

I was greatly touched by Rick’s adaptation (Version 2) of my write.  It is very beautiful, and I consider it to be the best of the three poems presented to you - my original, Rick’s adaptation, and finally Version 3, the co-write that follows Keats’ form.

All of this is subjective, of course, as we writers have opinions about what we like and don’t like.  The final decision as to which is the best version is up to you, the reader.

The three versions of  “Starless Night” make up a study of the evolution of a poem through the editing and rewriting process.  Rick and I reviewed the various versions by note until arriving at versions 2 and 3 of “Starless Night”.

We hope this presentation and study is interesting to you, and that you enjoy all three poems!

Comments--Rick Puetter

Dear Sheila, you know how I love to collaborate with you on poetry.  You have a romantic, poetic heart that shines through all your work.  Thank you for letting me be a part of another one of your inspired poems.

***   ***

We start with the original poem by Keats, the inspiration for this study

Sheila Kline (http://www.writerscafe.org/wvhillbilly47) &

Rick Puetter (http://www.writerscafe.org/rpuetter)

 

 

Bright Star - John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art-

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching with eternal lids apart

Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task

Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask

Of snow upon the mountains and the moors-

No-yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,

Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,

Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever-or else swoon to death.

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 1)

Dark night, if I was morbid without care-
Not aptly bathed in warmth of brightest day,
And viewing, with eyes by sight unaware,
Like shadows banished then by sunshine's ray
The black crystals formed not in liquid stance
Of shattered vows resting 'neath granite cave,
Or seeking a firm ledge to rest perchance
On slippery rocks 'neath wet earth of grave;
Yes, my eyes search for virgin face so fair,
Shun ever then my lady's soft sweet form
Nevermore grace of body do I seek,
Sleeping peacefully through the rage of storm.
Fool, fool to watch her once again to sigh,
Would'st be far better were I then to die!

 

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 2)

 

Dark night, as I am morbid without care--

Not wrapped in love as sunlight fills the brightest day--

And as I view her now with eyes with sight unaware,

Untouched, unmoved by her sun's greatest ray,

My eyes hold only black, cold crystal tears, not weak with liquid stance,

But hard as stone as if plucked from deep within a granite cave,

And with no need for firm ledge to rest, perchance

To pause, to quiver, before falling to their earthly grave.

Yes, once my eyes hungered for that face so fair,

Yet now my hardened spirit shuns that soft sweet form--

Nevermore the graces of her body shall I seek.

And there she sleeps, so peaceful through the rages of my heart-felt storm.

Oh fool am I to look upon her now--to watch again--to hear her faintly sigh!

Would'st be far better now that I should die!

 

 

 

Starless Night

(Version 3)

 

Dark night, as I am morbid without care--

Not wrapped in love as sun enfolds bright day--

I view her now with eyes most unaware,

Untouched, unmoved by her sun's greatest ray,

Eyes with crystal tears, not with liquid stance,

But hard as stone plucked deep from granite cave,

And with no need for ledge to rest, perchance

To quiver, pause then fall to earthly grave.

Yet, once I hungered for that face so fair!

Now hardened spirit shuns that soft sweet form--

No more the graces of her body seeks.

 

...And there she sleeps--through rages of my storm.

Fool, I, to look upon her--hear sweet sighs!

Would'st be far better, then, ‘ this fool to die!

 

 

©2012 by Sheila Kline and Richard Puetter, each and individually

All rights reserved

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Over the past few days I've read the above four times, each time returning to see if there's a little extra magic or finesse in one version .. it was the only way i could make my final decision. Keats is one of my favourite poets, so please let me walk in his shadows ..

From that point, whilst the third version has a more than similar metre to the original, i flatly refuse to make a choice between Rick or Sheila's painstakingly beautiful work - and obvious study. To use antithesis to create from as fine a work as Keats' poem certainly takes great courage, to adapt and juggle further must have been a great adventure for the two of you. You've both written a version in your own style. difficult to pinpoint in brief but, 'think i know you well enough after quite a few years to recognise a touch of constraint in the one, free flow in the other.

Consequently, for me, there's neither winner nor loser. Deep breath - and great admiration

[Tate Morgan]

As to the mathematics of the Keats poem I see a 10 count on syllables with 14 lines .
Now Rick is a perfectionist that's for sure.I see the difference in the version 2 and three.The syllable count is off in 2.This complexity of the poem is fairly intense.I myself like simplicity best.however i go for complexity if it flows well.I once spent 2 yrs writing a poem.I know what it takes to make it perfect.I commend you on the compilation and dexterity it takes to complete.Not to mention the melding of minds into one.I enjoyed the lesson and the poem .

[Emerald Seas]

Sheila & Rick,
I'm blown away. First by Sheila's skill and courage to take on a Keats poem and create her own version within those parameters. Secondly, to continue the project as collaborative effort that definitely blossomed through each rendition. All of the writings are fabulous in my book.

I have very little patience to work that hard at a poem, perfecting the meter and verse. Yet, I am enthralled by those poets that not only manage the task, but do it with passion and create outstanding work. One day I will set my mind to becoming a better poet. :)

All three versions are very, very good. However, my favorite is version 3.

[AK]

Wow! Amazing poems! They are all so well written! I loved the use of words and the syntax of the words, great write!

[BLBrown]

Sheila and Rick,

Wow, what great art this is. First Sheila to take a Keats poem and adapt it like you did was pure talent. I so enjoyed that...not sure I would have your kind of nerve. Then to collaborate with Rick on V2 and V3...what a wonderful journey you two took together on this, fascinating evolution. I can see Rick's touch throughout, while the intent and integrity is still maintained from V1, and lastly with Keats form in V3. I have to say V3 is my favorite, but I think a Sheila, Rick, and Keats collaboration is always going to come out fully baked.

Congrats to you both and well done my friends!!! Truly enjoyed.

Warmest thoughts,
Barbara