a moment experienced through the body

The title comes from a writing prompt that I came across while I was trying to continue a story I was working on, and it developed into this short essay based on personal experiences and emotions.

Cold tile underneath her, the chill making its way through her thin shirt. She’s wearing shorts. They kiss. And in that moment, they are sharing the same air, passing it back and forth, never going stale, never ending. It never gets old to her, this exploration of a human that is not herself. 

This particular moment was both planned and unplanned. He brought everything necessary, they were both ready - maybe he was a bit earlier than her. As they progress, she realizes that they are exiting the safe zone. That safe zone that they had been in for the past 7 months. She’s not scared, not exactly. Apprehensive? Cautious? Excited, nervous.

The first time he failed to do it correctly, and she demands he throw it away. Just in case. Cautious. But he gets it on the second time. Nervous now. Still sharing the same air, they move out of the safe zone into unknown territory, no man’s land. And it hurts. She thinks she’ll explode, and stops him. Only he says its barely begun for him. Deep breath, and she lets him do it again, despite fire spreading throughout the lower half of her body. Because she wants him, wants him to be happy. Loves him. He’s moving, she’s moving. Cold tiles beneath her back, beneath his palms. Sharing air. And she wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

And then it’s over, because she wants to stay safe. And he respects that, because right then and there, they both believe they love each other.

A year and 8 months later, they are apart, and it hurts again. A different kind of hurt, because this time she cannot show him how much he means to her. She’s not sure he’ll care. But after years of knowing each other, caring, exploring, loving, it’s hard to let go. She’ll keep the memory of the cold tiles beneath them. She’ll keep it for both of them, because she’s not sure he will.

He is a lot faster at forgetting. Doesn’t hold on to these stupid memories. But they are important to her, because he was her first - first everything. Kiss, love, prom date, date. Something like that is hard to let go. Especially for her, a sentimental.

So she will keep everything and try to move forward, even though it’s hard and it hurts and they are separated for good. But she wants to see what comes out of all this, starting from that very first high-five, that bouquet of roses 3 months later. Because it was good. And even if he forgets, or stops caring, she doesn’t think she will. He taught her how to love, how to care, how to hug, kiss, express emotion. That’s not something she will throw away easily, no matter what the bitter, angry feelings are. He was good, and they were good.

So she decides to take the cold tiles, and everything before and after it up until now, as knowledge and power to lead her through the rest of whatever she will face. Never forgetting the feelings, how she was willing to hurt for him, the pleasure and joy she got from seeing him happy, laughing because of something she did or said. It only lasted 2 years and 5 months, but she intends to keep it within her. As a token of love and happiness, as a reminder to trust and care and love. She’s not a sappy romantic, but he could bring out those feelings in her. And she will be forever grateful for him, for them.