Face me...

Small Description of what it would feel like on the battlefield...

As the deathly, Icey slices of the shattered glass fly towards my face, unzipping the skin…

I knew. They. Were. Here.

 

The cold sweat pours down my face as I search for a plan…

I can’t hear myself think!

The deafening sound of bullets showering on your cover

The yelling of young men

…and the last shrieks of the female nurses, who have now fallen

contributes to the foul smell

The foul smell of the empty shells where the souls lived.

 

“F**k!”

 

My long hesitation on the battlefield has paid off…

O’, the exquisite beauty of the sharp pain

One glance down…to view the left shoulder

As the metal drowns into my flesh…

 

Harsh Rubber of their soles thuds

Thuds. Sound surrounds, me

 

Up

 

Only to see the points of those guns

Only to see the strings of life

Face. Me.

 

BANG!

 

-Sachi Ruaya

 

*Written within the time limit of 15 minutes (phew)

Reviews

[Final-Karma]

Imagery is highly strong in this. I can put myself in your poem, the fear, the panic, the pain. It is stressful but not so much that it deviates from your meaning. For some of us, this is as close as we can get to the edge before we break. Thank you for sharing your mind.

[R.E. Ray]

Even the most literal interpretation terrifies the reader. Combat itself is a traumatic experience, but the thought of being severely wounded, overrun, and then assassinated point-blank by an enemy soldier is beyond horrifying.

Metaphorically, I imagine the same mental anguish when life overruns us, when we're hurt, burdened, overcome with hardship, and our closest allies can't or won't help us.

Since I'm a nonconformist, and not a scholarly poet, I can't offer much feedback on your structure or form, except to say what you're doing works here. Nice work.

[Simba]

That’s definitely a poem I really enjoy enjoyed this much more then the last one as it reads as a poem and flows nicely if you’re looking for criticism the only thing I would say is remove the dots when it says I.knew.they.were.here I get the suspense thing but the ... before the sentence does that.

[JackValor86]

that biit in the first line about "unzipping the skin" was a pretty cool way of describing being cut by shards of glass

[Sachi Ruaya]

Thank you. I'll probably use that phrase again in future writings.

[ElizaB]

15 minutes, wow! Impressive work.

The foul smell of the empty shells where the souls lived.

I loved this line. In fact, all of it was so descriptive and gritty and raw.

There is so much conveyed in such a short poem.
Thank you.

[Sachi Ruaya]

@ElizaB Thank you!! It is one of the activities my english teacher gives us once in a while...

I have another very descriptive poem called "Her Glacier"...I think you will like it!!
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ruayano111/1943715/

[Sachi Ruaya]

STUDENT REFLECTION:
I would consider this poem as one of my most abstract, descriptive works.
I used my critical thinking to choose the appropriate words, text structure and ‘story’ structure since I strived to emotionally impact the reader with the words, metaphors and other linguistic features.
I have taken many risks such as using sentence structure in which the reader may have to think deeply to comprehend the meaning using the context. *At the end of this poem I have placed the translated meaning of any statements that may have confused the reader.
Skills Discussion
I have deliberately structured the sentences to enhance the text according to the audience and purpose, successfully involved the reader by the use of literary devices such as metaphor, simile, onomatopoeia, abstract and technical terms appropriately in context, control and manipulate the linguistic and structural components of writing to enhance clarity and impact and chose to manipulate or abandon conventional text forms to achieve impact.

Anyone agrees or disagrees with my reflection?

[Robert Burkhead]

Descriptive engaging and shocking. Good read.

[Sachi Ruaya]

Thank you robert. It is much appreciated!

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

a forceful piece that grinds and delivers, well done good read.

[Sachi Ruaya]

Thank you. I am flattered aha