BI Polar II

A Poem by RyanTrolley

Feelings of living with Anxiety and Bi Polar

Bi Polar II

I want to leave the house, but I’m scared to walk through the door,
“We’re gonna be late, we’re holding them up, blah, blah, blah” - FORGET IT THEN I can’t go anymore

I feel empty, but I’m so full of rage,
Unable to be me, my thoughts locked inside a man made chemical cage

I want to shout, but I haven’t got the energy,
I don’t even know what I’d shout, the passion’s been erased from my memory

I’m starving but it’s a burden to eat,
I can no enjoyment from it, it’s just something else to mistreat

I feel so hurt, but I can’t cry,
life’s already been far too long, when can I die?

I’ve forgot what it’s like to live,
I’ve forgot what it’s like to give

All I do is exist,
so I won’t be be missed

My nick name is JR, Jolly Ryan
Do people really think I like who I am

My legs are restless, I’m anxious & breathless,
I feel like an addict, I’m in a right f*****g mess

I’m thirsty, but I only drink to take more pills,
I bury my head in the sand and don’t pay my bills

Brown envelopes scar me,
More wanted immediately from HMRC

My phone rings, it makes my stomach hurt,
I’m don’t care who it is, it’s going to divert

I don’t want to talk, I just want to be at home,
I want to be isolated, Im scared, please f**k off & leave me alone

I feel so anxious, I’m pulling chunks out my hair,
I feel like I’m going to explode, its not fair.

I feel so tired, but I’m not sleeping,
I re-live my problems all night, then get tired when I hear the bird chirping

When I do sleep it’s fake,
Benzo’s, morphine, Sleeping pills, just leave me more tired when I wake

The drugs don’t work anymore,
I’m 36, my internal organs ache & feel sore.

I want to numb the pain but nothing works anymore,
Drugs, therapy, hypnosis I’ve tried the all

I’m either high or low, On or off, It’s taking away my humanity
I’m no robot, give me more than zeros & ones, so I can rebuild my personality

Is it the meds or do I actually feel like this,
Is it my fault, or is this just the way life is

I want to cut myself to let the tension flow out my body,
I promised it wouldn’t happen again, but bloods dripping off my arm - f**k me I’m sorry

I’m lying, it doesn’t even release the tension,
but if you need it, it gets peoples attention.

You have to self harm now before you get an appointment,
be prepared to go further though, the gen Z guys show great commitment

They’ve already been waiting 2 years,
We’ve fucked a generation of kids up through lockdowns & vaccination fears

The pandemic stopped everything,
The pandemic stopped absolutely nothing

We have so much to deal with, our brains are collapsing under the weight,
Social media is cancer, a constant stream of lies & hate

At this point Im in a manic high
it won’t last long, a wrong word or expression & it plunges into a low - I feel the end is nigh

I’m making jokes, I’ve no boundaries,
I’ve gone from zero to 100, it’s like someone’s put my batteries in.

Or I’m low, I’m depressed and have no motivation until until 2am,
Most places are closed, friends and family don’t really want to go out then

Don’t I sound like an ungrateful b*****d,
Maybe you’re reading the wrong poem, read the one when my moods altered

It’s this world that’s insane,
How can you be ok when we have a situation like we have in the Ukraine

It feels like roller coaster,
I’m sick of the ride but it won’t stop, I’m a wreck,
My head hurts from this ride
But I’m more afraid about a seatbelt round my neck

Don’t worry though, it’s only words and there’s always upside,
I’ve got a wife and 2 daughters who counter these feelings of suicide

It’s important to always keep them alive in my head,
Because it’s so much harder to bring them to mind when you just want to be dead!

Ryan Trolley - 28-10-19