All I ever wanted

Excerpt

Shaking uncontrollably, I brought my clenched fists into my stomach and fell to the floor. Once I lifted the covers off the womb of slumber that cradled me to sleep pushed me into an unwanted world. Sobbing, I realized just like every other day my children couldn’t see me like this. I slapped my hands together and entwined my fingers into a painful grasp of prayer. A deep swallow, a deep breath and then I arose from the meaningless fear. A heavy palm twisted and dug out the tear in my eye. I was okay.

The aroma of coffee seeped into my nostrils, simple things made the miserable more tolerant. My oldest used the last of the milk on his Lucky Charms; I used his spoon in order to scoop a bit of used milk into my coffee cup.

Honk, honk…thank God it wasn’t my turn to carpool. Bella and Jimmy fought all the way down to Noel’s car. I couldn’t wait to get rid of them but then the minute the car pulled out of the driveway I immediately missed them.

I slurped down the rest of my coffee, filled up a glass with water and scrambled down to the basement. Still in my pajamas I threw a bra on and laced up my sneakers. Fifteen minutes on the treadmill and I said screw it.

Back upstairs, I was back in bed with the covers over me. Once again I was safe. The phone rang and my husband just wanted to make sure Noel remembered to pick up the kids. He really was checking to see if I was back in bed. Hanging up the phone, I flipped off the covers and walked into the bathroom. Naked, I turned on the water full pressure and twisted the knob to a hotter than hell temperature. Steam filled the room and melted my worthlessness away.

Blaring Bon Jovi, dishes, laundry and clean counters were possible.

Considering my fantastic workout this morning I decided to take a walk. Many of my friends considered it creepy, but the old cemetery was my favorite place to take a stroll. Fall was by far my favorite season.

Red, yellow and orange leaves covered every inch of grass as it crunched beneath my feet. Above me the same color scheme spread across the trees. It was chilly enough for a sweatshirt but warm enough to enjoy the walk. I let my imagination grab hold of me and thought about tall tales and short stories I could see emerging in my mind from a simple, quiet place where the dead were forgotten by some and remembered every single day by others.

Soon it would be time to pick up the kids so I brought my head back into the real world and headed toward the school. I knew they’d be thrilled when I showed up without the car and they had to walk home.

“Roof roof.”

I turned around and saw this little dog racing toward me.

“God I hate dogs,” I thought to myself.

I looked around for its’ owner, but I was alone.

“arwuuuuu, arwuuuuu,” it howled.

“Get outta here,” I said as I gently pushed it away with my foot. It then proceeded to run around me in circles jumping up to almost my waist. Carefully I continued walking trying not to step on it as it followed me.

“Quit following me ya stupid mutt,” I said.

“Wait for me!” I heard.

I knew who it was before I could even turn around, that voice went right through you. If I wasn’t already in a cemetery I truly would’ve believed she could wake the dead.

It took Marcy ten minutes to pick out her underwear. Each pair had to match a specific outfit. Don’t ask me why, I stopped asking questions a long time ago. The only thing the two of us still had in common was the past friendship we had made in high school. She was selfish, she was arrogant, and oddly enough she was my best friend.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going for a walk,” she said. “I would’ve come with you. Oh my god let me tell you this one.”

She mumbled on about something that happened to her at work but I pretended to listen as I usually did. I was quite good at it by now.

“Who’s frigging dog is this? She said.

“How the hell do I know?” I said.

“Well he likes you. You should take him home.”

“Ah yeah Tony would love that. Plus I think he’s allergic.”

“He’s allergic to me alright.”

Marcy was not my husband’s favorite person in the world. I knew it. He knew it. Marcy new it. It just wasn’t spoken about.

We got to the school where mothers and about three dads were scattered along the playground. Marcy immediately ditched me to catch up on some school yard gossip. I stayed with the dog, he was better company than most of the faces I saw when I looked around.

Bella came out first and ran with open arms to me and then immediately dropped to hug the dog.

“Mommy you got us a dog!” she squealed.

“Oh no, he’s not our….”

“Mom we got a god!” Jimmy exclaimed from behind.

“Oh s**t,” I thought to myself. “Now we have a dog!”