A lifetime is so short

A poem about a life.

We met in junior school

You always played the fool

We were in the same class

You said I was a pretty lass

We went to the same university

We had a date in the city

We had feelings for each other

I took you to meet my mother

We decided to marry

Over the threshold, I was carried

We were excited when our son was born

His hair was yellow like corn

We both grew old and weary

Our son came to visit yearly

Then one day I awoke

To find you had a stroke

We looked at you lying there

It was too much for me to bear

I took your hand and squeezed it tight

You left us alone that night


Sally Edwards
18/02/08

Author's Note

Just a couple of small changes, as suggested by Mike, he's right and I like it better, thank you Mike.

Reviews

[Wolfwind Words]

Tragicly beautiful! sniff.. sniff.. It reminded me of when, as a child, i was excited from getting home from school, i took a short cut across my families yard, and came across one of our cats that had died in the grass.
I liked how you wrote about not just the loss, but the good memories as well. it was an entire life journey on less then a page.
Easy to read, simple lines, and flowed wonderfully.
Great Job!

[alesuriko]

This is a very emotional piece. Full of life and death, happiness, joy, love, sadness and bitterness. The rhyme and rhythm are good, although the rhyme is a little trying in some places. But such a wonderful poem about life, starting from first love to death of first love. Well done.

[Alexander W. Quinn]

An entire lifetime in a handful of lines, compelling and powerful but so sorrowful at the end. Is this based on life experience or just created through a muse?

[Erin]

I like the topic. :]

In the first line, you say "junior school" and I'm not sure what you mean by that. Elementary / Grade school? Middle school? I don't know that I've ever heard of "junior school" though, and that makes it hard to put together an accurate image from the beginning of the poem.

The line about the son's hair reads a little awkwardly, but I think that's because it's a little shorter than the others and throws off the internal pulse of the poem. Maybe you can add a word / syllable in there somewhere to make that line match the rest? I don't have any suggestions for that one that wouldn't sound disgusting, but you're more familiar with the work, so it might be easier for you.

Overall, great job!

[SweetPeachesAlways]

What I think I like the most is the fact that almost every single line is a complete poem in and of itself...usually, when I read something, one line will invariably 'speak' to me, but when you have something as beautifully written as this, every line competes for that spot and it just isn't possible to pick only one line...

Excellent job! Good flow, excellent imagery, beautiful write!

[Phil Sanders]

Sad, sweet writing ... beautiful imagery and powerful emotions ......

[R J Askew]

I like this one more than Betrayed as it is more sustained and you spin a little story in it. In fact it reminded me a bit of 'Squeeze' lyrics.