An Excerpt of: To the Soul that Inspired Mine

This is just an excerpt of something I'm working on. I'd like to hear what you have to say!

To The Soul That Has Inspired Mine:

Thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I have never felt before. You see, over the years, I have been filled with such sadness. I wasn’t always like that, but circumstances changed; the people in my life kept leaving; they kept disappearing. Gradually, I began to lose hope. I had lost faith in humanity. I expected nothing.

Something was happening to me. Looking back now, I can see what I was thinking; why I did the things I did. Why I searched in all of the wrong places for the things I felt I needed. The absence of a strong father-daughter relationship, the loss of my virginity to someone unworthy, the low self-esteem, the intra-family molestation… All of these things could be the reason why I felt so alone… why I felt the need to find someone who loved me. I was searching for a good experience with a man to block out all of the s****y ones I had had. Perhaps if I had at least one man who genuinely cared about me, I could forget about all of the others who didn’t. I could forget about the meaningless sex. I could forget about my grandfather’s head between my legs. I could feel something other than self-loathing.

I can see now that my methods were flawed. The harder I tried to replace those awful memories, the more awful memories I made. I slept with men pretending it was love and refusing to see that it wasn’t. I was a body to them. I was sex to them; a good f**k. But at the end of the day, they never held me the way I imagined they would. They never asked me to stay the night. They were always pushing me away once they got what they wanted. The sad part is, I grew accustomed to this behavior. This was all I knew.

Being with you has forced me to grow up; to come out from behind the walls I have been building for so long. You make feel human again. Alive. So I wanted to thank you for everything. For caring about me when it seemed I had no one. For connecting with me on such a deeper level than I thought humanly possible. For loving me when I didn’t think I deserved it. For inspiring me in every aspect of my life.

Thank you.