Dad

Remembering Dad and the pain of his illness. Learning to forgive.

Today is my dad's birthday.



He would be 72.



He died in 1988 of Lou's disease.

A.L.
S (Amytrophic Lateral Sclerosis)
It was hard watching him die.



Dad wanted to die at home and so us kids and mom, we all took care of him.



It was hard. And it was heartbreaking.



Dad was a baptist preacher and preached for many years.



Then he quit because he became disabled and all went downhill from there.



We tried several times to attend church after that, but didn't stick with it.



We moved a few times and always lived in big houses.




When I was 19, I got married to my high school sweetheart. I finally left home.



I married him to get away from my parents, out from under their thumbs.



I regret that.



I don't regret Joey sr, just the reason I got married.




Then when I was 25, dad found out he had lou's disease.



He found this out in Jan.



The months passed and he got bad quickly.




It went from his thumb being numb and hurting, to him falling down because he was losing control of his leg muscles to him losing control of his arms and hands to finally losing control of his head. He could no longer hold his head up by himself.



Us kids and mom would sit by him and hold his head up so he could see what was happening around him.



You would not believe how heavy the head can be.




I keep saying us kids and mom. But to be honest, it was all of us kids and mom, except my oldest sister Debbie. She wouldn't help.



I held a grudge against her for that for many many years.




Then June came and I had gone home for something, probably not important, and mom called to say dad had died and she had -had to give him mouth to mouth.




I jumped in my car and did over 100 getting back out there to him.




Us kids all followed the ambulance in to the hospital.




Dad was in a deep coma.




He never came out of it.




We brought him back home to die.




We got there and I was changing the oxygen and really all I can remember after that was standing by his bed and watching him take his last breath.




This has messed up my mind for many many years.

 

 

I spent close to 6 months after dad died in the dark.

I stayed home, kept the blinds down, slept, listened to "Dust in the wind",and when someone called, all I could say was "My dad died".


After that, I spent the next 6 months going to his grave everyday.


I'd take something to drink, my cigs and go out.


I'd talk to him about things and cry and tell him how much I still needed him.


I planted flowers on his grave and wrote him notes and buried them in his grave.


I played with a Oujia borad for a couple of years trying to contact him.

Little did I know that only people in hell can be contacted through the board.

I found out The Ouija was nothing to mess with.


I am 44 years old.

I have spent the last 20 years being mad at him for leaving me.


I'm sorry dad.


Today I am turning a new leaf. I have turned several new ones in the past month.

As of today, I will no longer be mad at my dad.
 

 

 

Author's Note

I don't really expect reviews on this, I wrote this on myspace and only copied and pasted it as it was.
I do go through moments of self torment and guilt has a way of eating me alive.

Reviews

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

I read this and tears fell, weeping for my own dad, and for you.....

[Barbara Walker]

This is so sad, I cannot even comment...Barbara