Is there any getting away from the inequalities in a marriage?

Lamenting the farcical equality in today's marriages

My father gave me a better education than he could afford,

Better than he gave my brothers,

He thought I deserve it

Or maybe- looking back-  he thought I needed it

 I did him proud

I got there where few daughters do

He proudly exclaims he has brought up his daughter to be an equal

 

Satisfied, mission accomplished

He gave my hand away in matrimony

To a well educated guy

To a broadminded family (when can you separate family from marriages?)

He was stressed out but happy

He matches your education, your aspiration,

He told me though his eyes were apprehensive

And he also said

(Something parents very rarely do)

If anything goes wrong, don't hesitate

Come back, I'm always here for you

 

 

Fifteen years into holy matrimony

(Blissful if you believe the valentine days', the ornaments' ad

Of which i have received generous shares I'll admit)

 

I wonder what equality means.

Is it being able to choose the latest model of a top line sound system together?

Or a house worth tens of cores together

Is it getting out in the morning at the same time, using the same car and driver?

Sleeping on the same bed that he does

(Sorry, cannot talk about sitting on the same sofa- which wife and mom can afford to do that?)

Is it going on a on a pricey holiday selected by him together

Is it flaunting clothes bought by him?

Looking forwards together to his relatives visits (or visiting them)

Wondering excitedly together at his family's specialness

 

Is it enjoying every second through his parents' prolonged visits

And agreeing to every body's comments of how lucky I am 

And concurring when he exclaims in public

Without any previous discussions

That we're planning to coax them, his parents to please live with us

 

 

 

And living through

His superficial concerns about your life

 

Which doesn't exist beyond being his shadow anyway?

And being grateful when he expresses the slightest interest in your affairs

When he's polite and plays the (rarely required) dutiful relative to your family

When he doesn't show his discomfort with them

(He makes up enough with you in return)

 

Have you ever realized how genuinely upset he is?

If you have been resting when he arrives

And the house is in a mess

When the children are not up-to mark in school

When you have not been able to manage the maids well

 

 

Have you ever realised

 How grateful you are

When on rare days he lifts a few fingers to actually help you

 

Do you ever notice?

How you struggle through each second of your working day

That you don't need to bring it back home

As you don't want your personal life to suffer

And he takes it for granted that when he's working all through the night, or over the weekend

You shall keep the restless kids quiet that they do not disturb him

You will provide refreshments of all sorts to help him get through his burdens

 

Do you ever see?

How easily he negates you

In front of the kids or others

When your opinions do not match what he thinks is the right one 

And that you are so apologetic about disagreeing even in private

 

Do you realise

How all his decisions are final and yours wait for him to pass them like some mini god in your life

 

Don't get me wrong

I have enjoyed all the fruits of matrimony

Have had my shares of envious, impressed glances all thanks to the relationship and the people involved

It has not been a dry, disastrous run

I have enjoyed the companionship and the physical intimacy

I have two young and bright kids to show for it

 

 

 

Today when I sit back

After all my chores are done and the house asleep

I wonder what equality my father,

 My 'mofussil- town-brought up'   just- literate father

Was dreaming of

What he meant when he said

If anything goes wrong, don't hesitate

Come back, I'm always here for you

 (Now I understand the apprehension in his eyes then)

 

My father, wise in the ways of the world

Knew I would never find the equality

He taught me to demand as my right

Expect as naturally mine

He knew exactly what he was leading me into

Where he was sending me

After all he had been the more equal than his wife, my mother

Though he, in his simplified wisdom thought

Came from his being better educated than she was

 

 

Thanks to vicarious experiences (through him)

I thought

Education gives you equality

Broadmindedness gives you equality

 

But I tell you

From where I stand 

With the advantage of my height

(I stand on an imaginary pedestal

 Formed by the factors requisite for a theoretical equal life)

I can see that

The only thing which shall give you real equality is empowerment

And empowerment does not come from mere education

 

Through the years the world has existed

Empowerment comes from material superiority

 

In ancient times, physical power was the currency

And thus the male valued better

 

Later with marriages becoming contracts, better economics    decided   superiority

And always, always the man better-equipped

Giving lip service to women by praising their roles behind the scenes

Unpaid roles

 

And today with marriages for love,

We have equal or better education

Satisfied, we sit back allowing economic productivity to take a backseat, most of us...

 

 Guess whose superior now?

Empowerment comes from earning more hard cash

From breaking out from the shackles of your spouse's economics

It does not matter whether you are a farmer's wife

Or a gangster's concubine

Or an educated, in my case,

high net worth individual's  equally qualified wife

 (but lower on earning power)

 

So long your net worth

Is less than him,

In asset value (never mind liquid or immobile)

 

Your net equality is less than him

And so is everything associated with you

 vis-a-vis  stuff associated with him

You shall remain

The child of a lesser god

 

So when you bring your daughter up

Stress upon her the importance of

 Better economics compared to better presentation

Unless her presentation is the key to her economics

And tell her to

Judge people harshly if their behaviour with their better half is suspect

(She may have to let go of   hero-worshipping her dad)

 

And when you bring your son up

Drive it into him that using   economic net worth

In deciding respective weights in the balance of relationship

May one day

Make his (hopefully- beloved) partner

Reject him and all he's worth

Dear father

Do you think 

my present inequality is enough ,

to want you to welcome me back ,

Or did you actually see this all along ... 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

ignore grammar ,indian english