An Infliction of the Heart

 

I have read far too many romance novels.

I’m in the middle of watching Becoming Jane and it’s literally killing me. I feel my heart ache, and in the midst of a million different thoughts and emotions, that one keeps repeating:

I have read far too many romance novels.

It all started with Pride and Prejudice… or perhaps even as far back as Little Women. I read that book about ten times in only a couple years. And by the time Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre entered my life, I was lost. Lost to a world… which I am afraid may not exist. Caught up in clandestine, windswept moments that perhaps are not truly of this world.

However, in my life I have felt the tightening of moments – I have felt the air become taut and my heart cease to beat, lost in a moment where all that mattered was his breath against my ear and his fingertips grazing my palm. So in this way, I understand that the romance novel can be real. I have experienced passion that would in fact put the romance novel to shame, and yet…

The book always ends. The chapters close before we can truly feel the pain, the heartbreak. Life is indeed not a book, and therefore the pain is almost unbearable… for nothing has truly prepared us for it.

And what good are the romance novel moments… I take that back. The romance novel moments are everything… but then again, do I only feel this way because

I have read far too many romance novels?

Then again, there are people who have never touched a romance novel, and are completely swept up in the concept of love, as well. And LOVE – love, well that is an entirely different thing in itself. If love is the embodiment of the romance novel, then no wonder our hearts get broken when it doesn’t end on page three hundred with a cute little epilogue by the fire with the children on our laps and the kittens by the hearth.

Then again, if love is more practical than that, perhaps it is not something I want.

People stop their entire lives for love – or whatever concept of love they have developed. People drop out of school, abandon dreams, turn against their families, alter their souls… just to be in love. Simply TO BE with the person they love, and who hopefully... God willing... loves them back.

I cannot judge them. I am not allowed to point my finger at them, since I have done such things myself. I have stayed in unhealthy, even abusive, situations, because of love – because the romance novel trapped me in stolen embraces and windswept moments. A young boy traveled down a stream with me, and held my hand in the stolen secrets of the night, and I was lost to him. For over four years, I begged for that romance novel to end on page three hundred, and when it never did… when instead I received the repetitive devastation of the heart… well, I hardly knew how to handle it.

I didn’t read a romance novel for years.

Yet here I am, watching a stupid movie about Jane Austen, and everything is coming back to me. All the feelings, all the dreams. It was the romance novel that awakened me – it was the stupid romance novel that gave me reasons to live. And yes, it was the stupid romance novel that led to my broken, broken heart…

I am reminded again of my father’s words – “return to reality.” And yet, this trip these past few months has truly shown me that reality can mean a million different things – and that, yes, we are certainly in control of what our reality is and becomes.

In that case, I propose that the romance novel can indeed be real.

More recently, I have considered the idea that perhaps I am not meant to marry, or even to join my life with someone else. Perhaps my energies would be more aptly utilized in other realms… with writing, or charity, or counseling, or teaching.

However, tonight I am reminded of how catastrophically important the romance novel has always been to me.

I am scared to feel the power of the romance novel again. There, I have admitted it. I am terrified of feeling my heart awaken once more. When I feel it stir, even if only from the lines of a poem or the quote of a novel, I become paralyzed with fear. I do anything to temper the flames, and maintain indifference. People have previously criticized me for loving too much, caring too much, throwing myself too recklessly into the sunshine…

I am still reckless, but no longer with my heart.

So what is important? What truly matters in this life? Writing this has brought me no closer to the answers to such questions. Rather, I still feel a tight constriction in my chest, a labour to my breath. Tonight I have been reminded of thoughts and feelings I have had since I was very young… qualities of myself that have led me to be the person I am today. These are the same qualities that have inspired me to put a pen to paper, my eye to the lens, my presence on the stage… it is the very inspiration inside me. And yet is this desperate quest for Beauty and Authenticity which most of the time leaves me burdened, begging for something more from this life. It is as though I am begging for the flowers to open, and share with the world what I see beneath their petals.

And yet, the flowers will not listen, and even if they did, the world would not look.

 

Again, I have read far too many romance novels.

 

Reviews

[Moi]

One 'ought never give up on a good romanza whether in life, or in a book. The romantic movement, curiously, was defined by including the impossible into fiction: fairies, talking frogs, and fountains of youth among other things. Strange how a movement known for the impossible now titles those who believe in love; the romantics.

Love isn't impossible; those beautiful windswept moments you detail (very nicely and with tact) do exist.

If one has the desire, why not bring it to reality? Easier said than done, I know, but it's possible for anyone, based on the choices they make, to have a love-life that could make Austen's novels green with envy.

[PENS FOR PEACE /TJ CALI..]

Awesome! Truth artisticly comming straight from your heart! What truly matters in life is that you always write from your soul. No matter how good or bad the situation is about!
Well done! Loved it!
TIM

[Carole]

Kara, this is beautiful and shows the beauty and depth of your heart within each word of this write. It's funny you should mention Pride and Prejudice. I just watched thatmovie last night with a bunch of girlfriends. I had never seen it, and for some reason I had a hard time following it, but was so glad that Mr. Dorsey and (Elizabeth)? got together at the end. And so glad she stood for what she believed in and would not marry for anything LESS than love. How utterly awful and shallow that would have been...

I went through a period of time where I adhered (literally) too much to movies and books. I found that there are no "perfect" lives like they portray. It was a bit of a burst to my bubble. I would leave a movie and ask my husband, "How come life isn't like THAT for us?" I found myself always disappointed.

I think to those that love deeply, it is very easy to have our emotions take us for a bit of a ride. (I want to say, your dad gives good advice...)

I enjoyed this piece and the candidness with which you wrote...

Big hugs, Carole

[Constance]

You've left me nearly speechless with your insight and honesty on this piece. WOW. This is the best writing I've read from you, and you pretty much rock, always.
I have always hated the "romance novel" genre, yet I still love those little snippets you find in most books, if the writer is human. :) Most every writer has romance in their soul, or there would be no drive to write. We want to create a better world, of our own making, most of us. Or we want to change how others view this one. It's all about romance, if you think about it. Whether it be fairytale lovers' romance, or the romance between a person and LIFE.
I think I've been down every hard road one can go down thanks to my romantic nature (and by that I mean I've been beaten half to death by a man I pledged my life to in my vows, and been cheated on until I shouldn't really trust anymore) but that nature, alas, can't ever be broken. I understand. I think most people do, though we go through times when we deny ourselves of the right to a romantic dream, an idealization.
Awesome writing here. Every line flows and carries a beautiful voice with it. I could pick some favorite parts, but it would be most of it.
You need to submit this to be published somewhere. It's that good. I say Bravo to others once in a while, so that won't even do here. I'll say instead "YOU JUST HIT THE BALL OUT OF THE PARK!"

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Wow Kara this is certainly a very deep journey into the chambers of your heart... let me first start with love.... we as humans all want to be loved whether they admit it or not... thats what makes us human... to feel love by someone helps you feel a certain place in this world that is all your own... now your right some people give a lot up for love but it doesn't have to be that way, there is no reason you can't love and follow your dreams while making some with that special someone... in fact I think it's important to maintain a bit of your individuality to help love thrive... hold on loosely...

Now in relation with those romance novels... you connect to them cause they show you a bit into what love can be like and yes life is nothing like the book but it still keeps your emotions connected to the concept that we crave as humans...

your story is very insightful and I could go on so much more but I'll leave it at that... I really enjoyed how you got me thinking so deep... what a terrific writer you are.