Until it seeps into our pores and we are nothing but Sweetness itself

Darling,

I hope I don't lose my train of thought, the smoothness of my ideas. I was about to take a shower before dinner when I heard Daddy shouting, fighting with Betsy. I tried to listen, but all I could discern was the plaintive quality of my daddy's voice towards his wife. And it broke my heart.

He slammed out into the backyard, walked across the grass, and then started to cry. I almost didn't believe it at first, but I could hear it clearly from the upstairs window. He was standing in the garden, crying. The moonlight flickered across him, and for a moment I began to sob myself, but somehow swallowed the tears.

It was in that moment - something struck me deep inside, and I arrived at an understanding, a clear picture of something that had always been blurry. I thought of you, and suddenly I wanted to hold you and pour everything out of my heart. All the thoughts I've been keeping to myself, afraid to give them away. Afraid of being wrong, or being rejected, or losing them to the wind and never feeling them again.

I showered in the dark, with nothing but a solitary glimpse of light from the window pouring onto a couple tiles on the wall. I felt a profoundness in that moment - a peace that contained a piece of purity. I couldn't grasp it, couldn't hold it in my hands, but I could feel it, just as I could feel the water slipping off my fingers. My fingertips could no sooner grasp those water droplets than my mind could grasp a complete understanding of what was happening inside me - what was happening in the universe an that moment.


* * * *

I went to Daddy and I hugged him. He cried some more. We sat down at the kitchen table and haphazardly attempted to eat dinner with Betsy. Beyond being awkward, this arrangement only resulted in another fight between the two of them, and Betsy claiming to pack her bags and leave. All Daddy could do was hang his head and say, 'I'm so tired'� and 'We should be so happy.'

I sat there watching the scene play out before me, in the hazy yellow light of the kitchen.

I pushed my plate away and placed my napkin over what was left of my meal.

 

We should be so happy.

* * * *

I turned up the heat of the water until it burned against my skin; then I melted into the shadows of the shower.

You and me� We could go beyond this. That's what I thought about in that shower. I'm writing all this to you because I think perhaps you will understand. I want to go beyond this - beyond the temporal world... into the eternal. And the only eternal sphere is that of Love. Many believe in it, but they don't believe in themselves enough to enter it.

Oh, you just called me. From the Whistling Swan. It is timing like that which only makes me believe these thoughts all the more.

What am I trying to say? Like I said, the feeling is there but the words are so slippery.

The eternal: I want to enter it with you. I want to go beyond the bickering and the bashing, the sarcasm and the scathing remarks. I want to go beyond work and school and eating and sleeping (perhaps not sleeping, if it means laying next to you). I want our ages and our scenes and our pasts to mean nothing. I want it to be you and me, thrown together into a cruel, chaotic world, and I want to survive it - with you. I want to live on a different level, one where everyday concerns and jealousies, remarks and ill-meaning people cannot touch us.

Of course we still have to live our lives. We cannot escape to a mountain retreat and live solely with nature (as wonderful as that may sound), but what we can do is change the way we live, the way we think and breathe and speak. We can look at the beauty, at the things that are good and true. Sadness is everywhere, pain is everywhere, but so are happiness and sweetness.

Let us cherish the sweetness; swim in it, really,

Until it seeps into our pores and we are nothing but Sweetness itself.


* * * *

Okay, I lost my train of thought. I'm sitting here and I understand, but I can't write it correctly, coherently. I'm so scared that it's slipping away, that I won't feel it again and I can't share it enough with you. I want you to understand, I want you to want it, too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. My love for you is potentially my one great love - it's too soon to know, really, but what is time? I feel like we have been together foreve, when in fact we've been together for a heartbeat, and forever is before us. The question is: how will we live that forever? How will we treat the moments that are given to us? One of us could slip away tomorrow; I can't imagine you not being in my life.

So let us cherish every second, let us be awed by Love and the way it slips under the skin and refuses to let go. Let us be love personified. Let us... be happy.

* * * *

Sometimes on early fall days, I walk outside and everything is still. The air is hung suspended, and my skin is transparent with sweetness. There is a softness to the air, a cold layer of silk across my skin. I can barely move in those moments; I can barely breathe. I feel as though the earth has wrapped itself around me and made me it's own: I feel home there, in that sensorial present.

That is how I felt in that shadowy shower, feeling the feelings I have towards you, and the feelings I have towards life.

Those two ideas flow together so well. You. Life. You. Life.       You.

Forever,

Your Karabelle

Reviews

[Liam Sweeny]

I try to be very honest in these reviews, and offer at least one suggestion for improvement. But there doesn't seem to be anything I can suggest. This speaks from the heart, yet has style. It meanders some without losing the reader. It gives a clear understanding of what's taking place, and leaves me, the reader, wanting to know whether you and Andrew were able to reunite.

I hate not being able to leave a criticism or suggestion. But I love the excerpt, and can find nothing lacking in it. You have an excellent narrative talent. I might send you over something of mine to critique.

Very, very well done.

[Shannon Drake]

im so glad you sent me this.
to be honest, i usually dont read requests.. but knowing you wrote it.. i knew it would be worth while.
this was beautiful.
i wish i could get my thoughts down and keep going with it.
i usually just write a paragraph, then lose train of thought.
and it makes me so mad bc everything i want to say is right there in my head.. but theres too much to get everything down.
OK.. so in conclusion.. im printing this out too.. and thinking about reading it to him.
actually, our resolution was to not fight as much. and we've desided that nothing lasts forever.. but we're gonna take a run at it.
so.. this is once again.. perfect for the timing.

thankyou.