the choice to heal

The last few weeks have been hard. They have been painful, and they have been enlightening.

 

I spent about an hour of my life yesterday sobbing. It started with the typical girly frustration over finding something to wear, and quickly deteriorated into the disillusionment of my dreams and the invalidation of my soul.

 

I am accused, quite often, of being too emotional. However, the past year I have more than once been concerned with my lack of feeling, my newfound ability to become numb. Yet still, I am accused of being too emotional. Of 'taking life too seriously,' 'thinking too much', and my favorite - being 'crazy.'

 

I refuse to see how it is crazy to look around at the world and want more - to expect more from people. It is not crazy for me to refuse to have my life determined by other people's values and other people's expectations. I respect everyone else's decisions, and yet, somehow, my every breath becomes belittled and questioned for its sanity.

 

I should clarify, because I by no means intend to generalize here, or refer to everyone in my life. I am referring to the closest people - to the members of my world that are vital and very powerful in my life. Some people's advice on this is I should simply remove these people from my life. However, family is a very important value to me, and I have fought this long to keep mine relatively intact.

 

On the other hand, I am finding it hard to breathe.

 

Each day I am attacked, in various ways, and then accused of being sensitive or paranoid. I am invalidated in ways I never could have imagined another person could make me feel. Perhaps it is true - perhaps I am sensitive, but in that case I do not understand how some people get treated with respect, regardless of their 'sensitivities,' while others are not.

 

I am a giver. I give of myself, with unending grace and understanding. This is a quality that is very important to me, and I want to continue to be a person who assists others in opening their eyes to beauty, and giving themselves chances to live more fully, more authentically.

 

But I am disheartened. And if I shared my feelings with anyone to which I refer, they would merely tell me that I am not well, I am depressed, and that I need help. However, I am not depressed, and I do not need help. In fact, never before have I realized the true potential of my Self - of the fluidity in which people may effect the world if they merely take the effort to stand. I am aware more than ever of my gifts, and my passion, and of the goodness that is laying latent within the earth. So I am not depressed - but I am disheartened. Disheartened that my Grandma can tell me that she thinks it's nice that other people think I'm amazing, but that she sees me "as I really am," and that is better. Disheartened that my father can tell me he likes me better "thin" because I am "more attractive" to him. Disheartened that my mother hides herself behind work and prime time television shows because life has beaten her down so much that to look Truth in the eyes would break her. Disheartened even more that these people all hate each other (and sometimes me) almost as much as they hate themselves.

 

Perhaps hate is a strong word. Perhaps I mean they have merely become all too comfortable in their bitterness and negativity (but let's all call it being 'realistic' since it makes us feel like we've grown up, rather than given up.)

 

And I am disheartened that I have to edit my thoughts and my feelings, because they will never be accepted, or understood, by the people that truly matter to me. Disheartened that the previous paragraphs will probably get me accused of being everything I aforementioned. Because they are provocative, and they are honest, and they are far too Real for anyone in my life to deal with.

 

In the end, I am disheartened by my environment; it is quite obviously not one in which I can fly - I am barely allowed to glimpse at the sky without being called a tree-hugging, over-emotional dimwit. It has become terribly apparent to me that my choices are dwindling, and I may have to leave. As much as I like my home, my New England, and I feel comfortable here, I am realizing that perhaps God does not wish for me to be comfortable. Every time I have found a modicum of comfort, happiness, and peace in Massachusetts, life has brought me pain too palpable to ignore.

 

Great choices are made when we are uncomfortable - when our discomfort and our pain force us to find a new path, one in which we can breathe, and grow.

 

So perhaps I have to ask my pain what it wants from me. I think perhaps I have just repeatedly bandaged myself up, and then wondered why I still find myself bleeding all over the ground. I have covered and recovered a wound, without healing it from within.

 

I have reached a point where I either learn to become numb to the pain, or I make the choices necessary to heal.

 

For I know, deep down, that only then... when I heal... do I have the opportunity to do something truly great, truly grace-full... truly holy... with my life.

 

But I have no idea whether I will be strong enough to take the bandage off the bleeding wound.

Author's Note

This is a prose piece for me. It is me attempting to write this sort of piece more eloquently, since such raw feelings are hard to write without sounding whiny. So don't worry - no advice needed. The piece is my advice to myself. Thank you.

Reviews

[Katie]

Kara, this piece is great and truly heart-felt. I like the line of it and the meaning behind it is awesome. That is a rough place to be in, and it can't be an easy choice, and you conveyed that beautifully. I also grew up in an invalidating environment, but not nearly as bad as yours. Mine was just my Mom, and when my Dad died unexpectedly 4 years ago, he gave me a gift. My Mom is changing her ways and trying hard to be a better mother to me. I hope you are/have found some peace from this predicament!

[Patrick Henry]

I can't "critique" it. Everything you have written is something I have either been through in my head or been made privy to because of my sisters and friends I have also met along the way. You write as though a conversation is taken place. There is certainly this strong sense that you know exactly what is to be put to "digital paper" and you execute it perfectly!! I never come across as a "creep" on the internet, so maybe this allows me to have a little clout in the words I use..... I feel like I am friends with you after reading this and I really want to hug you!! I don't understand when this "start" to your greatness is about to happen. You elude to such a great beginning in the very start of your story here!! You are beautiful. You freakin' got me looking at pics of me as a baby, remembering faces not here anymore, and wanting to meet the author just to shake your hand!! Beautiful Kara Emily Krantz. xoxo -Mark

[Barbara Walker]

No advice here, only agreement, that you are right when you write of others hating themselves and/or their own bitterness. People like that know they are never going to follow their dreams and they always crush the dreams of others. How many people in the world have an idea, a course of action that they are going to take and the meaningful others in their life say, "Oh, that's foolish, it can't be done, you'll fail." They are afraid to try themselves, they are afraid to fail and if someone close to them actually DOES IT, really flies, it reinforces what cowards they are. So of course, they discourage all avenues for everyone else. That it is the ones closest to you acting in this manner, is all the more heart-breaking. The sad fact is, we can't change how others will act and re-act, but by the same token, you mustn't let them change WHO YOU ARE. It truly is their loss, if you must leave to pursue your life. I can only think that you will form relationships with people who are more like-minded and then, become totally at peace with who you are and where you are. Best Wishes!

[Naomi Montana Walsh]

Kara I am sure I am many years older than you.. and it gets better really it does you are so much like me and I was like you at your age and I did not stop , along the way I have learned a lot one thing I believe is the old saying when the student is ready the teacher will come..in your case be who you are and allow others to say what they will of it.. only you define yourself . be all the wonderful you wish others would be..remember that it is noble to be a light and when is light most beautiful ?..when it is surrounded by darkness.

[An owl on the moon]

Oh, Kara, I can't even begin to comment on your written work (which I have always found amazing) or your life (which I feel pained that you are not applauded for the wonderful life of depth you share)... You are destined for more, and those destined for more always face the ridicule of the masses (those who aspire to be pleased in their mundanity and ordinary lives)...

You have always inspired me to be more, to dig deeper within myself, to seek a richer experience in the world... Within my book of saints I have your picture... It isn't easy to lift the world to a higher place... a better place... but you have always given of yourself to do just that... Let me stand now and put my hands together for you, applauding your life that one day, I believe, the world will applaud as well...

"If obstacles discourage the mediocre talent, they are, on the contrary, the necessary food of genius..."
(Theodore Gericault - 1791-1824)

[Jeanmarie Flaherty]

The lack of comments here shocks me. As women, as writers, as human beings who f****n feel and pride themselves in their sensitivity, the word "crazy" gets thrown at us often. Our ability to catch it and throw it right back in order to shame our suppressor is amazing...you just need to see it.

Kara. Dahhhhhhling...sigh. I'm nuts, certifiable, a one hour crying stint is not uncommon for me, but you know what?

Once, when I had the time I felt sorry for those who shed no tears. Now, f**k em. Sad they will never see the raw beauty in every aspect of a cool October evening, however, selfishly enough, that means that more of it is MINE. YOURS.


Kara, you already ARE doing something great with your life. You are accepting yourself and whether or not you've removed the bandages yet, you're aware that they exist which takes more strength than most people will ever have in their entire lifetime. And heal? Sometime, the wound doesn't have to be studied in order to stop the bleeding. Often, it only has to be considered, remembered, and babied...for a little while anyway. :)

I want to hug you, you're so damn beautiful. Whine away, my Dear. This is brilliant.


p.s. I love you!!!

[Jason Young]

I stopped reading your work for the same reason that I began reading it- I scarce can finish without bursting into tears. You truly have a gift.

The writing is simple, but the emotion overwhelming. Every word resonates deep within myself, threatening to shake me to the core of what I am. Every drop of pain and hurt that you emit stabs deep within my own heart.

Have you considered publishing a collection of short stories like this? It's a crime to keep all this to yourself, when so much of what life IS... You somehow churn out what it means to be alive, as if life is your plaything. You have the ability to mold emotion in your hands, and then let it out on paper.

Thank you, Kara. Your writing is a window to despair, and even through the hopelessness of it all, you always manage to let a little bit of hope shine through.

Wishes for a very merry Christmas, and love, from your friendly neighborhood author.

[Slave to Rock]

This is really well done, and I can relate my own experiences to it very closely. When you talk about being labeled as depressed despite the fact that you know you're not. Seeing things that others cannot is hard for others to deal with and they are quick to label you something outside of the norm because of it. "Great choices are made when we are uncomfortable" : this line really stuck out to me because I truely belive this to be the case. Our true colors are always shown under pressure, and if one can shine under difficult circumstances it proves the weight of their character. This is another thing people can find intimidating and are often too quick to pass misguided judgements as opposed to showing the respect the person earned. Again, really good piece. It didn't come off as whiny at all but as an extreamly elequent piece about the difficulties of being able to see truths for what they are.

[269]

Follow your gut. An old friend once told me, after a group meeting, that I had all my answers. Just listen to myself. I enjoyed your honesty and self awareness. Is it safe to leave your family, thanks, charly

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Oh my Kara what an emotional piece... it was hard to read to know that someone so wonderful can be going through such unnecessary hurt... first let me say their is nothing wrong with being to emotional... to be sensitive to those around you and giving yourself is a gift of humanity and something you should treasure... Now as for that part about your father saying he likes you better thinner really boils my blood... first off the internal beauty is what should matter most and you my friend could win a beauty pageant with that... personally in terms of the physical I find women of different shapes and sizes beautiful and think you would be beautiful either way if we had to get into the physical portion... in the end you just have to look deep inside you and like the person you are when you look in the mirror and if you can do that then to hell with the nay sayers... for many of them probably hate themselves as you would say and want others to do the same.