i may not make it through the night

i am pierced deep
within my passions.

i gasp;
and proceed to bleed
all over the ground.

the earth begins to saturate
with red. i grasp tightly
to my sanity
and release
a scream.

i move carefully, so as not to rip open
old wounds. no, this new
mutilation
is enough.

it is more than breath can handle;
i stop tasting the air
and for a moment,
i fall.

deep into the despair
i have only known
for moments
(at a time)

one never forgets
such pain.

i no longer struggle;
i have ceased to wonder why.

for it has become a habit
to feel pieces of me
die.

Reviews

[David P. Eckert]

You portray the perfect imagery for the idiom "cut me to the quick." The bleeding, the spilling out. The trick to limit damage is not to connect the new wound with older ones, preserving one's sanity and ego. I think your imagery is solid. I think it might be worth looking at the verb tenses in one spot. For example "the earth begins to saturate" might work better than "the earth is beginning to saturate." It's more immediate, and most of your poem uses that more immediate tense form. You portray, as is your usual, both strong emotion and clear, vivid imagery. Very enjoyable.

David

[ZeeArsonist]

i agree, the last two stanzas are my favorite. after reading through a few of the reviews, its clear you have a great many fans that only want to help you sharpen an already vivid account. kudos to you.

[Crimson Shadow]

i am pierced deep
within my passions. This is an awkward beginning. Perhaps something more like "My passions are punctured"

i gasp;
and proceed to bleed
all over the ground.

the earth begins to saturate
with red. i grasp tightly
to my sanity
and release
a scream. ( I think you could use imagery here. Say a bandage absorbing blood? Maybe the bathroom tile grout absorbs the red like a bandage or something to really make that image stick, because it is hard to "see" the earth made of dark soil becoming red. Also, you don't actually grasp sanity so another concrete image to convey that action would be nice.)

i move carefully (cautiously would be appropriate too), so as not to rip open (so as not to, is wordy, why not "to avoid"?
old wounds. no, this new
mutilation
is enough.

it is more than breath can handle; ( your breath doesn't actully handle it, you do, so really "i fall" is all you really need in this stanza. "moment" is used in the following stanza.)
i stop tasting the air
and for a moment,
i fall.

deep into the despair (deep into despair is cliche'. you fall into ? what could represent despair?)
i have only known
for moments
(at a time) (why do you need this parenthesized phrase?)

one never forgets
such pain.

i no longer struggle;
i have ceased to wonder why.

for it has become a habit
to feel pieces of me
die.

The last two stanzas have a great flow and even rhyme. These are my favorite verses in this poem.

I hope I did not make you feel I was ripping your work to shreds. I felt you conveyed a lot of emotion and this work has great potential, but needs a little polish and a touch more creative imagery to make it outstanding, in my humble opinion. If I didn't see the makings of a great piece of work; I wouldn't have taken the time to read it so thoroughly.

[Amber C.]

i no longer struggle;
i have ceased to wonder why.

for it has become a habit
to feel pieces of me
die.

beautiful lines.... very sad. this was very nicely written and very emotional.... good job

[Roy Jacobs]

You got me wrapped up and tangled up in your emotionsl. This poem made me feel for you. Theres days I don't think I can make it through yet I try. There is pieces of me that have died. Good job.

[Emily Cooper]

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! .....This is amazing... hits close to home too... just wow...

[Moniker!]

"i have ceased to wonder why."
I love this hopeless, intense piece. Its great!

[Goddess Sophia (filomen..]

deep and penetrating. definately capturing the essence of total despair.
peace

[James Conrad]

That's just incredible. I've had plenty of days and nights like that. I would have to say that you captured and convey despair very well here. This is also tremendously well structured. Absolutely fantastic.

[Dave]

Wholey Moley!!!
Those last three lines are great! What a way to end this one Kara!
I know to different writers certain symbols and such mean different things and was wondering how you intended the three words in the parenthesis to come off as? Say for me, I sort of read them as one of those in the back of our mind whispers to ourselves that we often do while we are reading or thinking of something else. I was just wondering what you're interpretation or meaning of it is...if there is any at all.

Thanks for sharing!

[Amplexus Dryke]

I got lost in the middle but, this is filled with emotion and it is a nice piece. This is familiar to me;
for it has become a habit
to feel pieces of me
die.