Guideline #8 for Feral Male Staff

A Story by section245

One of a series of badly needed instructions for our new staff.

It has come to our attention that many new male staff are joining us improperly socialized. However, with effort and a positive attitude you can be trained to overcome your base instincts. I have been asked to produce a series of instructional booklets to help you with this process.

Guidelines for Feral Male Staff

#8 �" On Use of the Facilities in General

Many of us had hoped this day would never come. Yet someone or something has defecated in the bathroom sink again. Our OMP is most concerned for his new teak desk, and so has directed me to provide guidance which will be of particular assistance to those of you under 25.

On Knowing When to Go.

This will be covered in detail in Guideline #9, but suffice to say that if the cause of our sink issues is an inability to make the additional four feet to a stall, much more effort is required on your part. As a start, when deciding it is time to go, everything should be contained and nothing extruding from your orifices, except perhaps your tongue if the act of moving your bowels normally requires extraordinary concentration on your part. If the cause is instead mental defect or disease, we do strive to be an inclusive firm but sadly there is still some stigma attached to being a Mad Shitter. The problem is not new to us as we employ many interns; we will try to get you the help you need.

On Using the Urinal

Unzip yourself. Locate and remove It as quickly as possible �" there should be little rummaging, struggling or cursing. Practice till you can do so with one hand in less than a minute (but practice privately and not at your desk). Resist the urge to cry out with success once you finally get a grip, it will betray your inexperience in such matters. Choose a point within the porcelain receptacle (located on the wall) and release. It is not a magic wand and you are not conducting an orchestra; no rabbit will appear nor will the horn section erupt no matter how vigorously you waggle It. Nor is It a compass needle �" if It is pointing towards True North the result will be most unsatisfactory. Do not urinate on the floor, the wall, your neighbors or yourself, as best you can manage it. This may require some practice, but remember there is little shame in wetting yourself until you are at least a second-year Manager, so do not give up.

On Using the Toilet

Pants down and seated squarely on the rim, facing forward. Not on the edge or beside the bowl, this is no doubt the source of much of our janitorial turnover. The gas station behind us is also losing their tolerance for “regulars” so we need to reduce the fecal blow-back, overflow and improve our aim. Significantly. Flush twice (and as always, more senior partners three times).

It is considered bad form to pray or sing while doing your business, even if you are passing bedknobs and broomsticks as a result of your busy season diet. Should you detect your superior in the next stall, do not ask for a raise or your annual review at that moment. Similarly, if your staff is seated next door do not bark out commands or review them either. No-one wants to hear grunt, grunt, “3 rating”, plop.

If more than a a week has passed since your last bowel movement, it is acceptable to shout out a warning cry when entering, and to sound the “all clear” when complete. Clients and colleagues may be momentarily confused by the alarm, but will understand quickly enough should they ignore it. Those in this position may also wish to review Guidance #6 �" What to Eat and Why