Secret waters

 

I gazed at the herculean rush of water that descended from the rocks above. The nearby rocks and trees were enveloped with miniscule water droplets as the water crashed on to the pool below. The "Kaluvara" trees guarded the waterfall in a solemn silence. A chill ran down my spine as I remembered the journey ahead. I took in a deep breath and started climbing uphill, the crunching of the pebbles drowned in the noise of the waterfall.

"Rahas Alla" or the waterfall of secrets. Indeed one does not take more than a mile second to understand the name behind the waterfall. The darkness that shadowed the waterfall was the shadow of devil himself.

I cannot run away from my destiny. For many centuries the legend had passed down, but no one had seen the dream until two days ago. Two days ago, Shanuka, the son of an elite in the village had been cursed by the dream. In his dream appeared two ancient guardsmen clad in armor of gleaming emerald(as he recounted) speaking in ancient tongue which weirdly was understood by Shanuka. The guardsmen, in their ancient language had said that a  monk's bowl of pure gold will be found floating at the purest pool found after passing the waterfall.

As by know , you would have realized I am not Shanuka. I am not him. I am Sira, a poorly lad from the village. My sick father and myself purely dependent on Shanuka's elite parents. This is a favor to them, a favor that will, perhaps, cost me my life. Despite the despair, with a heavy and a chilled heart I continue climbing the slope . We are in debt to Shanuka's family, they had not wasted any time conveying this to us. I had a choice. To flee village with my family or face whatever-is to come, alone. I had to think of my three younger sisters, still running around chasing kites, naively unaware of the cruelty of social class.

I am to fetch the golden bowl in place of the chosen. They had been too protective to send Shanuka, but too greedy for the fortune to forget it, and here I am , their scapegoat. As I  gavel up ward, my tired brain registered a fiery red and orange bird with jewel like eyes. It circled around me, shooting me flashing gazes. Eerie enough, I felt the bird knew. It just knew.

Author's Note

Constructive criticism please

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

I always try to read JayG's reviews when I run across them. I also read all the stories I find as they are posted. I read yours a few days ago. I respect the reviewer, he is a tireless mentor and always willing to advise.
Sometimes he is a mite harsh in his judgments. Yes, herculean is strain on the reader and better forgone than inflicted, but you do tell the reader much in the first paragraph that informs the reader and answers Jay's questions. It is obvious our narrator is below a waterfall looking up. As a reader I am content to wait a few sentences to get my bearings. Many stories are chary of complete information in the be beginning. It is no sin to gradually inform. Readers like surprise that is logical and integral to context. Your story begins in the middle of things , in medias res , that is to say without preamble.

Listen to the critics: write Your story.
Cooper

[Seuwandi]

Hi Delamr Cooper

Thank you for your review of my work. It definitely lifted up my inspiration

[Cherrie Palmer]

All editing aside you have forged a delightful story. That any reader can appreciate.

[JayG]

Well, you did ask…

• I gazed at the herculean rush of water that descended from the rocks above.

One of the problems we face as writers is not letting the context we have, and our intent for the reader’s understanding, blind us to the realities of being a reader. Unlike the author, they have no context we don’t evoke, and no understanding but what the words suggest to them, based on their background. And because that’s true, we must write in a way that provides context as, or before a given line is read.

But if we don’t, we’ll not see the problem. As you read your own words, every line acts as a pointer to images, backstory, and more, all stored within your mind. But look at this piece as a reader, one who just arrived. And remember that as they read the beginning of a sentence they don’t know what the end will say, so it those words cannot provide context, to what comes before. To that reader:

1. Who is this person? "Where are we? And, what’s going on?" No way for them to know to know. And there can be no second first-impression
2. What in the pluperfect hells is a “herculean rush of water” We could below Bambarakanda Falls, or seeing the result of a broken water-main. The rocks give some context, but come too late, at the end of the sentence, after the information was needed.
3. Are we above and looking down, below looking up, or is our protagonist watching a film of this in class? There is no way to tell, but knowing is critical in creating the mental image. But as presented, every line acts as a pointer to images, backstory, and more, all stored within *YOUR* mind. And without you there to supply that…

That’s why, on entering any scene, we must address who we are, where we are, and what’s going on, so that as that information is needed, it’s present.

• The nearby rocks and trees were enveloped with miniscule water droplets as the water crashed on to the pool below.

What nearby rocks? And why does this matter? You could say the protagonist scratched their cheek and it would be exactly as irrelevant. Remember, ours is NOT a visual medium. So telling the reader the size of the drops onsome unknown number of rocks, near an unknown waterfall, does nothing but inform them of something that seems to have no relevancy. You know where they’re placed in relation to the protagonist, but we don’t even know what planet he or she is on, where on it they are, or what’s going on.

See the problem? You know. The protagonist knows. Everyone in the story may know. But the one you wrote this for? Not so much. 🤨

So…not knowing that bit of advice on how to handle the opening of a scene, you didn’t address the problem. But the question is: why weren’t you aware of that requirement as you wrote?

The answer to that is critical, and the reason the rejection-rate for submissions is greater than 99.9%. Simply put, and though no one tells us, the only kind of writing techniques we’re taught in our schooling is nonfiction. Why? Because it’s what employers need us to know. They want us to write reports, letters, and papers—all nonfiction applications meant to inform. That’s why you were assigned so many reports and essays to write in school. But fiction’s goal is vastly different. As fiction readers, we’re not looking to learn what happened, presented in synopsis and overview. We want what E. L. Doctorow describes, with, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” We want to be made to feel as if we’re living the events, as-the-protagonist, and in real-time. And that requires the skills of the Fiction-Writing profession.

Can you learn them? Of course. They’re no more difficult to master than the skills of nonfiction. But we do have to master them, because where nonfiction is fact-based, fiction is emotion-based. Our focus is on making the reader care, and feel.

For example: assume that at some point your protagonist is in a situation where he or she feels terror. Using your present set of skills you would explain that to the reader. But using the skills of fiction, you would terrorize the reader, and make them afraid to turn out the lights when it’s time to sleep. And isn’t that—feeling as if the story is happening to us—what brings the joy of reading? Without that, it’s a history book that details the life of someone who never lived. Interesting, perhaps, but without the uncertainty that draws us in. And who reads history books for fun?

So it’s not a matter of talent, or how well you write. It’s what Mark Twain meant when he said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” And that can be fixed with the application of knowledge…but, only when you know you need to do that, which I why I thought you both needed to know, and would want to.

So, how do you fix the problem? My personal suggestion is to, first, get a good grounding in the basics of the profession. And the easiest way would be via a few good books on the nuts-and-bolts issues, and, the proven techniques that can give your words wings.

Doing it that way, you work when you have the time. You advance at your own pace. And, there are no tests or pressure. And of more importance, the cost is minimal. In fact, the best book I’ve found to date, Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer is free to download at the address below this paragraph. It’s an older book, one that talks about your typewriter ribbon, not your keyboard. Still, it is the best I’ve found, and has over 300 5-star reviews on Amazon. So grab a copy. Copy/paste the address to the URL window in any internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

For an example of the kind of things you’ll find in that book, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are, in large part, based on that book.

I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear when you posted this story. And I truly wish there was a more gentle way to break such news. But since it is critical, and something every writer needs to be aware of, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on Writing.

Jay Greenstein https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Seuwandi]

Hi Jay!

Well...this certainly is a wake up call for me as a writer. your review makes me want to do better. Please review my other stories as well as I post it...your review had made me less blind to my own writing. Thank you very much!

Seuwandi.

p.s- Bambarakanda falls...a touch of Sri Lanka there.Thank you again Jay