Mary Jane the Dog's Wishful Birthday

Messy rhymes

A dog who wishes to be a mouse can still live part of it's dream
For her birthday, Mary Jane the dog asked her friends for a mask
"be it pretty and feminine, graceful, unlike me." Her friends took note and they all had tea.
On her birthday she was up with the first song of the birds, with pretty little boots on three of her paws and her birthday dress on from her dear Mum.
In came her friends carrying a parcel wrapped in news paper,
what ever could it be?
The prettiest mouse mask Mary Jane could have imagined, "what a wonderful birthday!" Cried she.
And so from then on, every afternoon was spent with the mouse mask covering the little dog's face, she danced in front of the mirror all day, until one afternoon in the month of May, in walked a cat with a blue straw hat
"oh me oh my, a sweet little mouse!" The cat purred with delight, it just so happens this very cat had a rather large appetite.
Mary Jane was too busy being a mouse to notice the fat cat behind her, when she spun around and saw the sight she let out a sound of a bark and a squeak intwined as one, and the fat cat swallowed her whole.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your sense of imagination is off the charts. You convey an uncommon magic in your writing becuz of it. The rhyming doesn't matter -- too many writers/editors get hung up on regular structured rhymes, but scattered rhymes are just as legitimate & interesting. Since your style is whimsical & playful, there's no need to worry about what the poetry police will say about your sporadic rhymes, they fit your style.

Here's what I would love to do, if I were editing your writing . . . I would delete some of the extra meaningless words that slow down the reading. Here's an example from the last line . . . "when she spun around and saw the sight she let out a sound of a bark and a squeak intwined as one" . . . since this is a very quick action sequence, making the writing tighter would add a lot to the reading: "she spun around, spied the cat, and spat out a squeak-bark" (notice alliteration on "sp" sounds, too . . . such literary touches polish up a great story like this).

I hate it when people try to rewrite my writing, so I apologize if this advice feels offensive. Of course, your way of remedying this will be different from mine. But I just wanted to use an example to show you how extra words can be pruned away to hone it down to a focused storyline.

[LSE Darwin]

it makes me smile; thanks for sharing!