I Feel Cold

I thrive in the extremes.

I have yet to learn how to hold you near,

But keep you away from my heart…

So I simply do as I have taught myself.

I’ve never been one of those girls

Who throw tidbits of their soul

At the ground by their feet

In hopes of luring in a catch

Worth working for.

I thrive in the extremes.

Do I give too much of myself, too soon?

Or should I never give myself, at all?

Maybe that is the problem, here…

Nobody wants me in this state.

He tells me I’m too “pure”

But I know for a fact

That it is my tainted soul

That causes happiness to slip through my fingers

Falling to the ground to nourish the next passerby.

I listen to love songs

That make others smile

But right now they only make me sad.

Shouldn’t the sound

Of a perfectly executed guitar solo

Make me nod along to the rhythm

I can feel in my bones?

My heart beat begins to slow

As the music fades out.

I thrive in the extremes.

I wish you had held me tight

Held me together

As you said those words that tore me apart…

But maybe it’s best that you didn’t.

Maybe, somehow, this will turn out okay.

My pillow whispers into the chasm

From which my pain originates from

And tells me that my tears will lead to healing

If I allow my heart to mend…

And I know it gets a little easier to pick myself back up each time

Because scar tissue is harder to cut than skin

And my heart is no longer recognizable

Through the broken blood vessels

And frayed edges.

If I don’t learn my lesson this time

I tell myself as I build my wall back up,

Blood and bone held in place by an iron will,

I’ll learn it eventually…

And suddenly afraid of future pain

I cloak myself in happiness

And tell myself that the smile will become natural

If I give my face time

To mold to its curves.

I thrive in the extremes.