Broken

I have been in my room all day, replaying the past 8 years in my mind and asking myself what part of it is fair. I can’t talk about any of this with anyone, but I can tell my story to a whole bunch of strangers, as many as would be willing to read it.

It was two break ups in our 5 years-long relationship, the most recent of which happened a month ago. I am replaying that day in my head, all that happened and all that led to it, to think I seemed okay after it makes me sick now. You left me because I kept my promise to be the best bf that there ever was. You left me because I was a good guy.

This story line is too cliché, the good guy getting heart broken, and now I am one of the statistics of a story I was too familiar with when we were together. Now I am here thinking about dying, or staying locked up in my house until I died. I am not suicidal, I am just tired of being in a world that I no longer understand. The world is evolving too fast for me to cope.

My crime was that I fell in love and did everything to make the relationship my priority putting her before everything else. Still, that was not enough. I gave a lot, never asking for anything in return but that you loved me back, sounded so simple but my life had to come to this point where I am one of the statistics. I am not going to act out and go on a rampage like a tailed beast from Naruto, I would rather lock myself up here until I died than stop being good because life treated me unfairly.

It’s unfair that I cannot even take some time off to grieve without the fake pity of those people who would come around to tell me they told me so. What exactly did you tell me? That loving was for losers. I don’t regret my decision to love you, but I won’t be consumed with self-pity and think I was not enough, cause I was, but the world cheats and never plays fair, so today is real. I am actually here in my bed thinking thoughts.

Is it too much really to ask for just one girl who would want only you for the rest of her life? To have a bosom to place my head on and a tummy to rub like I loved to. There wasn’t really anything about the female anatomy that excited me other than the way my soul connected with yours, how did we lose that. I am one of the statistics because you listened to the world and danced to its tune, and you thought I had easy.

I laugh at all of it now. Firstly cause you broke my heart twice and I let you do it. I would probably let you do it again if I wasn’t as scared of you as I am now. I can’t hide the fact that I am broken now, maybe one day I would be fixed, but right now I can’t see anyone without seeing that they would just walk away some day again. All of this is stronger temptation to become like everyone else and jump from one girls bed to another... if only I could stand the thought of my soul being corrupted by this act.

It was a decision every day to stay faithful. Cheating was easy, we were both smart so hiding that could have been easy too, but I didn’t, not once cause I liked a good challenge and staying loyal to just you was a more difficult challenge than cheating and concealing it presented. I am surprised that I can still have feelings after all this, I however wish I could become like my phone, uncaring and without emotions. but I can’t stomach the thought of being unable to feel, for not being able to love makes my entire life pointless for I was not made for pleasure, but to love and to love completely.

I am staring at the bottle of coconut vodka in my cupboard and thinking how good getting drunk would be. I can’t let my mind go fuzzy, cause when the cloud clears my hurt returns with it. Am I really going to become dysfunctional because of one bad season of my life? I don’t know and I hope not. It would be terrible to not be able to know what my life could have been if I let me get sucked in by all of this. So I will cry all I want to, yes, I am one of those men that cry. I would not pretend like I don’t feel hurt or I like what happened to me. I don’t feel like I am free now cause I never felt like I was in chains the whole time I was with you. Loneliness is a whole prison without other inmates and that is where you have left me. It’s hard to imagine that the reason you gave when you left me is true, cause you didn’t have to come back after the first time. The reason why I hate lies, it complicates things that are supposed to be just simple. Now I am here wondering and thinking and would never be able to know.

Now you know that somewhere in Africa, a nice young man any mother would have wanted to be her son-in-law is lying in bed crying because the one he wanted didn’t want him anymore.