...and just so you know

when I announced the things I did

I was blown away and bewildered

wanting your reaction, answers, questions, shock

I wanted to hear your response

your thoughts

I was shocked

 

I suspect that you still think

I came in and said those things with a

"hear ye, hear ye!" tone

and expected you to follow through.

 

I've said it before

I'll say it again

it was shocking to hear those things

I was at a loss

and still am

 

please know

just cause I hear

does not mean I understand

 

the messenger is not always a warrior

or a scientist with all the right formulas

or the detective with all the clues

 

no

 

I am

just me

with ears to hear and eyes to see

and it ends there.

 

I looked to you for

not fufillment of what I was shown

but

your response

something

anything

scoffing

laughter

joy or excitement

disbelief, doubt

whatever your thouhts were

I wanted and needed to hear them

 

almost a year later

has it been that long?

how long has it been?

 

almost  a year later and

I still do not understand

how these pieces to this puzzle will fit

 

but that is secondary

 

what you don't understand

is that I place you first

and have all along.

 

this is why

I needed your response

to gauge the situation

a barometer

an indicator

something

 

because people are more important than plans

people are not made for plans

but

plans are made for people

 

you are people

 

 

please understand

this is not my project

or my own endeavor

 

I do desire you

and I always have

from the moment we met

from the moment I first saw you

from the moment you shook my hand

I felt it

 

but never felt it in return from you

and so I moved on and

looked to others

 

 

no matter what happens

I will always feel strongly for you

but this is not something to force

you have mistaken my pleas

for pressure

 

I am not cold

but you have turned me away one too many times

I will not bow down to rudeness

 

I shield my heart

waiting

for a season of warmth to come over us

one day

where we both can melt

 

until then

my guard remains up

yours too

it's all good

 

we're both smart.