Him

A Story by simplya

It's intense.

The urge to do it again.

How do I not give in?

I just want to slice.
One cut after another.

Till death does me in.

Why am I like this?

I don't understand.

I sit up.

Stop.

But the yearning gets stronger.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I close my eyes.

I try to will the urge away.

It keeps crawling back at me.

Without thinking, I stand up and

head to where my friend lies.

Without wanting too, without realization, it's in my hands.

I sigh.

The coolness of it's touch between my fingers, takes my breath away.

I stare at it.

It can't happen.

Yet it's about too.

Why me?
I feel tears sting my eyes.

I know I don't want to do this, but it's the only way I know.

I close my eyes and press the razor against my skin.

I feel the sharpness and fear arise simultaneously.

Suddenly it's moving; once, twice, three times.

I don't know how to stop.

I exhale and look at the cuts I made.

Wow.

They are filled with blood, scary yet beautiful.

I'm in awe.

I smile.

This is me.

The cutter.

I smile wider and make more cuts till numbness hits me.

I can't stop.

I can't.

I start to laugh.

When I can't feel my legs anymore, I give up.

I slouch to the floor.

Blood pouring out of my arm.

I laugh harder.

I'm a maniac.

My laughter turns into sobs.

What have I done?

I stick out my arm and the moonlight shines upon it.

Oh my God.

It's cut after cut, looks like a piece of meat.

Something that doesn't belong to me.

I relocate my eyes to my clock: 140 a.m.

Everyone's asleep.

Maybe I can make it to the bathroom.

I try to stand up, but I slip.

As I climb up, blood hits my carpet.

S**t.

I take an old shirt and wrap my arm in it; tears pouring out of my eyes.

I make my way to the bathroom in one piece.

The light blinds me.

I close the door behind me and sit on the toilet.

I slowly unwrap my arm and what meets me takes my breath away.

Did I do this?

My entire left arm is blood.

I see no pink skin.

I hear footsteps and I look up to find my 7 year old sister staring at my arm.

Next thing I hear is shrieking and screaming.
Fear strikes me.

All of a sudden I hear doors open and footsteps rushing .

I am lost.

I have no idea what to do .

Mom appears.

“Jenny, what is it?” mom puts her arms around my sister.

Then, she follows her eyes to me.

Then I hear screeching.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” mom's hands go to her mouth.

“Oh God, Caroline. What have you done?”

I'm frozen.

I try to hide my arm but the blood is dripping to the floor.

“Oh my God! Ken!” she yells for my father.

I try to move, but all I can say is “don't”-silently.

“Why?”

I stumble to the floor and the last thing I hear is
“Ken! Hurry!” and arms around me.

It must have been days, seems like, since I remember anything.
I wake up in the hospital, in a daze.

Memories flood me.

Room. Blood. Screaming.

I open my eyes and blur meets me.

I hurt.

My arm is throbbing.

“Caroline” I hear mom say.

I turn towards her and can barely make out her face.

“Caroline, hi”

I try to nod.

Finally, her face clears up.

She looks worn out and exhausted.

I blink.

I try to move but there are wires attached to me.

What?

“Don't touch those” mom warns.

I stare at the wires.

IV.

My throbbing arm my attention.

Bandage. All over my arm.

Suddenly, I'm back in my room, doing this damage.

Cutting.

Bleeding.

I feel her touch my forehead and I wince.

I'm back to reality.

“Do you hurt?” she asks, softly.

I nod.

“Oh Caroline” she begins to sob.

“It's okay” I mutter.
“Do you have any idea what you've done to yourself?”

I stay quiet.

“You could have gone into a coma with how much blood you've lost.
Why did you do this?”

I turn away form her.

Coma.

I close my eyes.

What have I done?

“Caroline...” her voice trails off; or maybe I zone her out.

I could have died.

I swallow.

This knowing feeling eats at me.

I know why.

Because I'm miserable.

I want to feel whole again,

I just don't know how.

Cutting is the only thing I have.

Nobody knows what happened to me.

Nobody ever will.

I hear a knock, but I don't turn my head towards it.

I close m y eyes again and I hear voices.

Pretending to be asleep, I hear the conversation as if I wasn't in the room.

“She isn't saying much” mom informs.

“She's probably still a little out of it. She did lose an enormous amount of blood” a male voice says.

“How is she?” he asks.

“I don't know...Caroline?” she calls out to me.

I don't answer.

I hold my breath.

“Caroline” she tries again.

When I don't respond the man speaks up,

“Mrs. Forth, has she done this before?”
“Yes.”

There is a silence. Mom continues, “but never this bad.”

“Hmmm...do you have any idea as to why she would be doing this? Does she have an issue at home? Is she retaliating? Is she safe?” the male probes.

“Doctor, she is perfectly safe at home, well I thought. I don't understand why she would do this to herself. I've never understood” she sobs.

“Look, Mrs. Forth, cutters usually have a trigger and reason behind why they do what they do. Something but me going on inside of her for her to feel the need to cut herself.”
“I don't know what it could be” mom sniffles.

I stiffen up.

“If you want my professional opinion, she needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist. Rehab is....”
I tuned them out.

Rehab?
Me?

Psychiatrist?

I swallow hard.

God damn it.

I should have been more careful; I should have locked the bathroom door.
Damn you Jenny.

I take that back.

I shouldn't have lost control.

Now what?

It's been four days since I got out of the hospital.

My arm still throbs, bad.

Nobody has bothered me about rehab or any of the events that occurred.

I'm thankful.

Until now.

Mom calls upstairs to me, “Caroline, can you come here please?”

I raise myself out of bed and slouch down to the living room.

My sister is sitting behind a computer playing a game I've never heard of.

Mom and dad are sitting down.

My stomach drops.

Intervention.

But, I move forward.
My dad can't even look at me.

Anger rises within me.

“Honey, come sit” mom says.

I continue to stand.

“We need to talk to you” mom says, softly and cautiously.

I roll my eyes.

Dad stands up, “You're going to rehab. Do you hear me?”
He is looking me dead in the eyes.

My anger leaves and fear replaces it, but only for a moment.

“Ken! We said we'd talk to her!” mom begins
Dad silences her with his hand.

“There's no smooth talking here Reba! Look at what she's done! She could be dead!” he yells, “Tomorrow, we're driving you to Spring Meadow Rehab facility. You will go and you will get help.”

F**k you.

“No” I say

“Excuse me?” he comes closer, “what did you say to me?”

“Ken...” mom tries.

“Dad..”I try.

“Don't. You have no choice here Caroline. You live under this roof, you follow our rules. I don't care how old you are. You will go tomorrow. Understood?”

I turn to walk away but my sister jumps in front of me.

“Where ya going tomorrow? Can I go?” she asks.

I push her aside before she sees my tears and run up to my room.

No.

No, no, no!

Up in my room I'm numb.

Who do they think they are?

I throw my pillow at the window.

The tears flowing my face are filled with anger.

F**k them!

Inside I'm freaking out, on the outside I”m gnawing at my palms with my fingernails.

I feel liquid and find out that I dug my nails deep through my palms.

Blood.

I feel faint.

I quickly run to the bathroom and lock the door behind me this time.

I wash my hands.

Gone.

I let the cold water run through my hands and look up.

The mirror doesn't lie.

It does not deceive.

You get what you see.
My eyes are sunken in with no brown color in them, my face white.

My long brown hair nappy.

My emotions wild and spread across my face.

I hate myself.

Everything I've done, I deserve.
And much more.

I should be dead.

I want to be dead.
I stare at myself.

I must have lost close to seven pounds.

My breasts peak out of my shirt as if I'm trying to show them off.

I hug myself to try and hide the skin.

Why?

I don't want death to meet me yet.

I just want happiness.

I let out a chuckle.

I'm far from that.

Automatically, I spaz out and punch the wall.

I hate everything about myself.

Who I am, what I am.

Why am I still here?

I look deep in my eyes.

Pathetic.

All I see is hate, anger and darkness.

Empty; yet filled with emotions.

I'm struggling to stay afloat yet my brain is screaming.

I close my eyes and let myself out of the bathroom.

With closed eyes I walk myself to my room and lock the door behind me.

I flop on my bed and let the darkness swallow me.

Somewhere deep inside my dream, as I'm rushing, running, naked, a banging occurs.

I breath harder as I run faster, looking for a place to hide.

The banging is growing closer as I slouch behind a tree with my naked body.

The banging is next to me.

“Caroline!”

My eyes bolt open and the banging is with me.

It takes me a moment to realize where I'm at.

And I'm fully clothed.

Score.

The banging is at my door and I breathe a sigh of realif.

I lay there.
“Caroline! Open this door!”

I blink and realize it's my mother.

“Caroline!”

“Coming....” I mumble and stumble out of bed.

I trip over the pillow I threw last night and hit my bandaged arm at the corner of my desk.

S**t!
Blood oozes under my bandage.

Great.

What will they think now?

I pull on my sweatshirt and open my door.

“Caroline!”

I blink.

“What were you doing? I've been knocking for five minutes! Are you packed? Your father is waiting” she pushes me aside and enters my room.

Packed?

Oh God, how could I forget?

I hear honking.

Dad.

Rehab.

No.

“Where's your bag?” Mom asks.
I just stand there.

“Oh Caroline.”
I cross my arms around my chest and she comes over and wraps her arms around me.

“Honey it'll be okay. We'll get through this. It's only for a little while till you feel like yourself. You'll see. It's not so bad. I promise they'll take good care of you. We did our research.”

As she talks, tears flow.

F**k her.

What does she know.

Only because I cut myself I get twenty five to life.

I wiggle away.

“Caroline...” she follws me.

Dad is still honking.

“Where's Jenny?” I ask.

“She's with grandma, remember?”

I sigh.

“Come on pack something and we'll get going”.
“No”

“Caroline.”
I walk out the room and I hear her following me.

I rush past everything.

All a blur.

I have no choice.

I get in the stupid car and mom follows.

I lean my head against the window.

“Where's her bag?” Dad asks as if I don't exist.

A*****e.

I see mom shrug and dad mumbles something and we pull out of the drive way.

The street I grew up on looks old and worn out.

Maybe it's just me.

All my memories collide together.

Everything is a blur.

With every memory I try to relive, the one always crushes everything.

It ruins my chance of a smile.

It ruins my chance of anything.

So disgusting.
I feel dirty.

I close my eyes, everything is a blur anyway.

I don't understand how I got to this point.

Do I understand anything?

With my arm throbbing, I press it down and the pain spread through me.

Good.

F**k my life.

What kind of life do I lead if I end up in rehab?

That night floods me.

Darkness enters me and as a pair of hands reach toward me, my eyes shoot up.

How long have I been zoned out?

“Did you hear me Caroline?” mom is asking.

I roll my eyes.

“I said, I need you to do this for us. Accept their help. They know what they are doing. They are professionals. You need to be honest and open up.”

As if.

Nobody is getting inside my head.

Once in, nobody comes out alive.

“Caroline”

“Mom, I got it”

Silence.

We finally reach our destination.

Huge gray building.

Huge windows.

Huge yard.

Huge fear.

I swallow hard.

Mom and dad get out of the car and mom holds my door open for me.

I hesitate.

Mom clears her throat.

F**k.

I get out.

Out of no where this amazingly stunning woman appears.

Dressed in all white, her hair pulled back in a bun.
Something like a phenomenon. She looks like Belle from beauty and the beast.

Her golden eyes are filled with sunshine.

It almost nauseates me.

She bounces her way to my side and extends her hand to my dad then mom.

“You must be the Forth family! We are so glad you're here” she smiles.

“I'm Bethany, welcome to Spring Meadows!”

I stare at her; she's so cheerful I want to puke.

She turns her face to me, and I melt.

I think I'm having my first girl crush.

“You must be Caroline!”

I stand there.

I can't help but stare; I feel like I'm wasting away.

She smiles at me and I don't respond.

She turns to my mother and father again,

“If you'd like to follow me, we just have some paper work for you to sign. Don't worry about a thing, Caroline is in good hands! Come, we'll meet some....” and they lead the way.

I don't even want to bother, but I follow behind.
Slowly.

The walk to the building is agonizing.

It's filled with regret and silence on my part.

I'm going into the looney bin, great.

I look around me and see all different types of people.

All females.

What is this?

There are benches everywhere and flowers build the pathway to the stairs we are taking.

Sadly, its gorgeous on the outside.

We walk inside and a funny smell greets me.

What the?

It's a mixture of Lysol and detergent mixed with some sort of wood smell.
It's odd, but strangely welcoming.

I stand close behind my mother.

God I don't want to be here.

Why did I Do this to myself?

I didn't, he f*****g did.

I close my eyes and hug myself.

“Okay! A little tour before we go off to the office! Caroline, I will show you where your room is and maybe you'll get to meet your roomate!” Bethany annoucnes.

Roommate?

I hold my breath.

I follow them.

“To the right is our medicine center, as you can see we have a nurse there 24/7. June say hello,” Bethany waves and the lady behind the window smiles our way.

“This is our “rec center”. Caroline will be here when she has some free time and she wants to get away from her room and just to relax. Most of the girls sit here to watch TV and write or read. It's a quiet place to get away just because” She has smile in her voice.

I look at the rec room.

It has two recliners, white and a small couch.

A flat screen TV and a rocking chair.

Next to the TV there's a bookcase.

Interesting.

I roll my eyes.

“A little bit further, to the left you'll see where our rooms begin.”

I stare.

I look inside a room and it's smaller than my bedroom times two.

I wince.

I hate this.

I want to run away.

In fact, I will run away.

I can't live like this, this is torture.

The rest of the tour is a blur.

On our way to what is suppose to be my room, we stop.

“Ah, look! Here comes Dr. Valentino” Bethany says.

Dr. Valentino stops in front of and shakes hands with mom and dad.

She's short, curly red hair and long, shapely eyes.
She looks at me.

“And you are?” she smiles.

I stay quiet and move my eyes to the floor.

F**k you.

“This is Caroline. Caroline, this is Dr. Valentino. She is our psychiatrist on board. You'll be spending a lot of time together.” Bethany announces.

“Nice to meet you Caroline, I look forward to getting to know you” Dr. Valentino says to me.

I continue my counting of the tiles.

“She's shy” my mother butts in, with embarrassment in her voice.

“It's okay. They usually are.” Dr. Valentino says.

They exchange a few more words and Dr. Valentino vanishes.

“Okay, shall we?” Bethany wraps her arm around my shoulders.

Her and I lead the way this time, and being under her arm I feel safe, strangely.

I feel like I might be okay after all.

We reach my room.

I die a little inside.

“This is it! And look, your roommate is here!”
I look inside and on the right side of the room there's a girl on a bed with a book.

“Tiffany, this is Caroline, your new roommate. Caroline, Tiffany”.

Tiffany looks at me and I look at her and she goes back to her book.

Great.

“You can go in Caroline and make yourself at home. I'll take your parents to the office to sign some paperwork and they'll stop by to say their goodbyes.”

They leave me.

I stand in the doorway.

I can't enter.

Somehow if I enter it'll all be real.

“I don't bite”

I look up.

Tiffany put her book down and is staring at me.

I nod.

I put my head through the door and find my bed to the left next to the window, with f*****g bars.

A window with bars.

Jail.

Not rehab, this is jail.

I close my eyes and shake my head.

I can't do this.

I debate on running off but everything is metal here.

I'm afraid someone will stop me with a metal bar

and i'll have more issues than I do now.

I roll my eyes and slowly enter thru the door.

Mind as well.

As I step inside, I turn my head to the right and left.

Small room, like a cell.

I look at Tiffany's side of the room.

Her bed is neatly made.

Her bedside table has a picture of a man and woman, I'm assuming her parents,

and she's got a bottle of water and that's that.

I look at her dresser, a small see thru dresser with clothes inside.

Neatly organized.

Is she some type of a neat freak?

I mean, I'm not a mess, but I'm not this horrible.

I look at my side, empty.
And I didn't bring anything.

Perfect.

“Are you okay?” Tiffany asks.

I look at her.

Her knees brought up under her chin.
She's wearing a flowery dress with spaghetti straps.

A headband on her head with her hair pulled in a bun.

I shrug.

I move to my bed and sit.

“Why are you here?”

Because my parents are a******s and think locking me up here can fix me up.

I shrug again.

“Do you talk?”
“Do you shut up?'

Oh God, I can't believe I said that.

I quickly mutter a “I'm sorry” but the damage is done.

She's back in her book.

What is wrong with me?
I lay down and close my eyes.

The wood smell enters my lungs and I exhale.

Now what?

It's been three days since I've been in here.

I haven't spoken to anyone, just got to some stupid support group meetings, which I say nothing in.

Imagine that.

Three damn days.

Tiffany hasn't spoken to me, so I have nobody.

I'm alone.

I could have done this at home, being alone.

I don't need to be here to do the same thing.

It's pointless, I'm pointless.

This is worthless.

I turn to my side.

I exhale.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know where I'm going.

I seem to not know much of anything.

They drug you here.

Except I haven't seen Dr. Valentino, therefore I'm not drugged yet.

I've just seen lines at the medicine window Bethany showed us.

I haven't seen Bethany either.

I have twenty five long days left yet.

I hear a knock and I turn my head over my shoulder.
It's Gina, the main guard on my floor.

“Support group” she says.

Again?

I feel like all I do is sleep and these support groups.

I grumble.

She disappears.

I sit up in my bed and Tiffany is already gone.

She's in the support group and she doesn't say much either.

She always says “skip” when it's her turn.

I don't have any clothes with me so I've been in the same s**t I've arrive in.

Until this weekend when my mother visits and brings my stuff.

I stumble down the hall, past the rec room where some girl is sitting in the rocking chair just nodding off, past the medicine window, to the choir hall.

Everyone is in a circle and I find my seat and fixate on the floor.

After the buzzer goes off, the leader begins.
Her name is Lindsay.

“Hey everyone. Today we only have a short meeting because the faculty has an emergency to attend too” she softly says.

Not her usual voice.

I look around, everyone is staring at her.

“So who wants to start?”

Nobody says anything.

I bet they're all trying to figure out the emergency.

I stare at the floor.

“I'll go”.

Of course.

“Go ahead Sam.”

“Well it's been a crazy day so far for me. I woke up with suicidial thoughts and I began scratching at myself and I was able to stop because Dr. Valentino met me in my thoughts and told me it wasn't worth it” she shows everyone her arm.

It's gross.
She really went all out.

I hold my throbbing arm close.

Thankfully, the wrap is under my sleeve and nobody can ask me about it.

“That's excellent Sam. “ Lindsay says.
“Yes. I'm glad I was able to stop. I hate feelings of suicide.” She continues.

Sam has been here for three months. She's attempted suicide twice, once by drinking bleach and the other time by jumping off a bridge, which she broke her collar bone as a result. She won't be out of here anytime soon. She's nice, just not my kind of friend.

“It's important to feel control of your thoughts and understanding that you can do it. You can make anything good happen to yourself” Lindsay continues,
“We all feel down and wake up with emotions, some are stronger than others, but it's important to take control and understand you are human and it happens, but know that you can change it. Good job Sam. Next?”

Nobody says anything.
“Tiffany?”
I expected to hear “skip” but she mumbles out a sentence.

“I'm doing better today”

“Good, and why is that?”
She shrugs.
I feel so bad.

I hug myself.

She looks at me.

I look at her.

She talks, straight to me, “because I found my voice and I'm okay with who I am. I only have a week left and I feel like I've made progress”

I turn red.

She found her voice, after I told her to shut up this is the first time I heard her speak.

“Good, good. We'll miss you” Lindsay says.

Tiffany smiles and crosses her arms across her chest.

She has a small chest, nothing compared to me.

I wish I could get rid of mine.

A memory flashes: my breasts are exposed and his hands are all over them. His fingernails dig into my n*****s and I scream. He likes it rough. He moans in my ear as I scream in his. He is infatuated and I'm sick. Its dark and all I can feel is him on top of me. I shudder and without wanting too must have loudly said something because I hear my name being called.

“Yes, Caroline?”
I dead-pan Lindsay with my eyes.

Don't say my name.

I swallow.

What do I say?
Hi, I'm Caroline and I'm completely messed up? Oh yea, want to see my arm?
“Skip”.

After about twenty more minutes the meeting is adjured.

I walk back to my room.

I sit on my bed and Tiffany follows.

“You're a b***h” she comments at me.

“Huh?” I was taken by surprise.

It took me a moment to realize why she'd say something like that.

“You heard me. A b***h. You don't even know me.”
I'm flabbergasted.

“I'm sorry?”

“I'm so glad I'm leaving next week! I can't stand to look at you!”

Wow.

A knock at the door stops our conversation.
Dr. Valentino.

“Caroline, hi. You have an appointment with me at three today, but we've had an emergency, so I'd like to see you now.”

I stumble off my bed and with one last look at Tiffany, who stood there with her arms crossed, and follow Dr. Valentino out the door.

We reach her office and she opens the door for me, “after you”.

I pass her and take a seat at a chair across from her desk.

As she's closing the door behind me, I observe her desk.

“DR.VALENTINO” is written in a gold plaque as her name across her desk.

She's got pens and pencils all over the place, pads of paper and folders spread across the desk.

A folder is open in front of her and I read “Caroline Joline Forth”.

Must be my folder.

I swallow and she sits behind her desk.

I look at her, she looks at me and smiles.

“How are you?”

I look at her.

What does she want me to say? Peachy?

She continues to smile.

And wait.

I realize I have to say something before she'll continue.

I shrug.
Good enough.

“Look, Caroline, in here, with me, you will have to communicate to get anywhere. The sooner you communicate with me the faster these meetings will go. Do you realize that I'm your ticket out of here? If I don't feel you fit enough to be released, you will stay in here longer. The more progress you make, the better things go for you. Do you understand?” she says.

Yes, I understand that I am trapped.

And fucked beyond all belief and I have no way out .

I nod.

“Okay good,” she smiles, “Let's start over! How are you?”

I look at her.

F**k me.

“Fine” I mutter.

“Good. Do you like it here at Spring Meadows?”

What?

It's as if she read my mind.

“It's okay to be honest in here. Nobody likes it here. Sometimes, I want to run away” she chuckles.

So she knows how I feel.

“Tell me about yourself Caroline. Do you know why you're in here?”
Because my parents hate me. Ta-duh.

“No”

“No?”

“I mean, no I don't know why I'm in here”

“Ah. You don't feel like you should be in here, right?”
I nod.

“That's okay, we'll figure it out together.” she smiles.

She writes something down and I steal a look at her clock on the wall.

Five whole minutes.

I let out a breath.

“Something wrong?”
I shake my head.

“Communication, remember?”

I look at her.

What am I suppose to say?

I've never done this before.

I like it when she asks questions, that way I have some kind of morbid idea of what to say.

If I say anything.

She drops her pen and places her hands across her note pad.

“Caroline....” she begins.

I gulp.

“Let me tell you what these sessions will be like okay? You come into my office we sit here for forty five minutes and talk. We just talk. About what? Anything and everything. Why you're here. What is on your mind. Your darkest secrets, your funniest moments. Whatever you want. I'm all yours. I know it's hard to trust me and believe me, but you need to learn to understand that I'm here for you and I want what's best for you. Nothing less. I also understand that you are very skeptical right now and you have some issues communicating, but in order for us to get anywhere we have to talk. You have to fill me in on what happened to you and what is going on inside your head, okay?”

What?
I don't know how to begin.

“Okay......”

“Okay, good. So why do you think you're here?”
I shrug and automatically remind myself she wants more, so I say
“Because my parents are jackasses”

What is wrong with me?

I've never spoken like that before!

It's like the Tiffany incident all over again.

“I'm sorry” I quickly cover up.

“No, no Caroline. No need for apologies. This is your time, you say whatever you want. And in case you're wondering, yes you may swear” she winks, “So you think your parents are the reason you're here?”

“Yes” I say fast.

“Why is that?”
“I don't know that either.”
“Ah, but they are the reason to blame. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?”

“No”

“Why is that?”
I shrug.
How would I know?
Maybe because I am so fucked up they just add to the mess?

“I don't know. We just don't. I feel as though my mother tries to hard and my father doesn't try hard enough”

“With you or with one another?” she probes.

I don't want to talk about them.

“Both, I guess.” I start to fiddle with my fingers.

Twenty minutes passed.

“I see.” she writes something down.

I roll my eyes.

“Why do you do this?” I stumble out.

“Do what? As in the job?”

I nod.

She smiles, “I love it. I love being here for my girls and helping them out in anyway possible. Everybody needs someone to talk too and I like being someone they can turn too, someone you can turn too. It's not always easy and it's always hard to start with a new patient, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.” she smiles.

She has a nice, rosy smile.

She picks her pen up again and jots something down.

What is she writing?

“Tell me about yourself Caroline” she doesn't look up.

About me?

What about me? I don't know.

“Ummm......I'm Caroline. I'm seventeen. I ….” I stop.

I don't have any idea.

My mind beings to race.

“It's okay, you're doing great. Keep going. Tell me about what you want to do. If you weren't in here what would you be doing with yourself? What are your likes? Dislikes?”

What would I be doing?

Cutting.

I don't say that.

“I guess I like music. I like to write. I like reading. I, um, like movies” I shrug, “I don't like talking.” I chuckle.

She smiles, “Yeah, I can tell” and winks at me.

“Um”

I don't know.

Deep inside I'm a mess. Inside I have no light.
I'm hollow.

“I'm just a body walking around. I can't stand myself. I feel dirty all of the time” I look up.

Holy s**t, I just said that out loud.

She's staring at me.

“Why do you feel dirty all the time?”

I look at her.

And the mute inside me resurfaces.

I shut down.

No way.

“Caroline?”

I shrug.

Something beeps.

She turns around and pushes a button and says, “times up. Anything else you'd like to add?” she continues to write things down.

“No”

After what seems forever, releases me.

Outside of her office, I finally take in a deep breath.

After I collect myself, I make my way to my room.

The only place in this entire builiding I feel somewhat like I belong.

Besides when Tiffany is in there.
Then I feel pressure.

I pass the rec room and catch some stares my way.

They have no reason to stare, they are all in the same boat as me.

I stop at the entrance.

I don't know why I stop, I don't want to be near them.

I hear whispers and I assume it's about me until I hear “suicide”.

Couple more words slip out, “emergancy, Gretchen, suicide, late at night, sleep...” and I tune them out.

I want to know what's going on but I can pretty much distinguish that someone here committed suicide last night.

That's what the fuss is all about.

I sit in the rocking chair and look around.

The four girls that were whispering as I walked in are hunched in the corner by the bookshelf and one is on the lazy boy watching TV.

“They always do that you know,” a voice behind me says.

I freak and turn around.

She's pale with long black hair,and I mean long. And black.

She's wearing a gray sweatshirt with these white pants that I seen Bethany wear on the first day.

She sits on the floor beside me.

“I can move” I tell her.

“No, it's okay. See them?” she points her head to the four girls.

I nod.

“That's Jessica, Simone, Elizabeth and the short, ugly one is Ingrid”

I nod.

“They always do that. Gossip. I hate Gossip.”

She looks at me, “ I'm Felicia”

I crack a smile, “Caroline”.

“What are you in for?”
I shrug.

“Yes you do. We all know why were here” She looks at the floor.

“What's your issue?” I ask.

“I attempted suicide and tried to suffocate my ex boyfriend”

“Oh damn. Why?”

She shrugs.

Suddenly it dawns on me.
Why would she tell me? She doesn't even know me.

“Because I was an idiot,” she shrugs again, “I fell in love and he took it as a game. Played me and ended up getting someone knocked up and I lost all control I ever had and as he was breaking up with me I freaked and yes...here I am”.
Oh God.

She looks up at me, “It's okay, you can judge”

I shake my head, “No, I'm not”

She smiles, “ and you?”

I stare at my arm.

I guess I knew all along.

I lift my arm and pull up my sweatshirt sleeve up and show her my bloody bandage.

“Cutter?”

I nod.

She shakes her head.

“I could never do that. But then again I thought I couldn't try to kill myself and I did”

“How did you do it?”

She laughs.

Okay, so she's hysterical.

“You wouldn't believe me if I told you”

Maybe she's right.

I hug myself and stare at the window.

More bars.

“Why do they have these stupid bars at every window?” I ask, nobody in particular.

Felicia answers, “Because they think we're all badasses and will try to escape” she laughs again.

I chuckle.

I wish.

I'd be the first one out of here.

One of the girls out of the group is gone and the other three look lost without her.

Hm, she must be the leader or something.

“Are they always together?” I look down at Felicia.

“Yes. It's annoying really. Jessica and Ingrid share a room and the other two are just up their asses”

“Oh”

Felicia stands up, “It's lunch time. You coming?”

Lunch.
I haven't eaten since I've been here.

Literally.

All of a sudden I could eat anything and never be full.

I stand up and follow her.

We pass the medicine window and take a sharp left.
I didn't even know where the cafeteria was.

It's the weekend.

My first week here passed.

I'm getting to see my parents today.

If I didn't need my clothes I'd be okay with not seeing them.

But, such is luck.

I get out of bed and notice Tiffany is gone.

I'll be alone next week.

Thankfully.

I make my bed and walk into the hallway.

Nobody is around.

I feel like making a run for it

when I see Felicia walking toward the medicine window.

“Hey” I call.

She waves and disappears.

I sigh.
I walk toward the rec center, empty.
“Move” a voice barks to me.

I turn to find Tiffany standing there.

“I'm sorry” I mutter

She looks at me.

“You know, I didn't mean to tell you...”
She walks away in the middle of my sentence.

What is her deal?

I sit at the rocking chair.

Somehow, it's my favorite seat in the house.

I lean back and wait.

Something crawls inside me.
I feel as if I can't breathe.

The feeling is familiar.

Fear comes at me like a bullet.

Not now.

I hold my arm close because I know this feeling.

It's time.

I hold my breath to will it away.

Nothing.

I need a distraction.

I get off the chair and head to the bathroom, with my mind racing.
I being to run.

I need cold water on my face.

The urges are real and are becoming stronger.

I finally make it to the bathroom and stick my head under the sink.
Coolness calms me yet the urge is still there.

Automatically I look for something sharp, anything.

I need to make it stop, but there is nothing around me.

Then I remember the support group and the girl that scratches at herself; I've never done that before, so I hesitate.

Then I begin.

At first it's an annoying feeling, then I dig deeper and relief begins to meet me.
My arm is super red but I don't want to stop till I see blood.

I continue to scratch till I'm numb and blood poisons my fingernails.

I exhale and smile.

I'm deeply twisted.

I stare at my arm for a while before I wash it off.

Thank God for my sweatshirt.

I look in the mirror.

I don't know why I keep doing that;

Same empty girl looking back at me.

I crack a smile and think to myself:

That's what you get.

I turn the water off.

I head our the door and toward my room when Bethany meets me.
“Caroline! Your mother is here!”

I shutter.

Great.

I don't feel good.

I follow her to the outdoors where mom is sitting at the bench, waiting.

No sign of dad.

Good.

I make my way to mom.

“Caroline!” she stands up and hugs me.
“Honey, you look great!”

That's a lie.

“How are you?” she sounds so cheery.

I shrug.

She hugs me again.

I stand there.

She lets go and sits and pats a seat next to her for me.

I sit beside her.
“So, how are things going here?”

“Fine”

“Good! I told you” she smiles.

We sit there and somewhat chat for an hour.

Her doing more of the talking.

Me mostly consists of sitting and tuning her out.

In the corner of my eye I see Bethany's smiling face approaching us.

“Alright ladies, how's it going?” she asks us.

“Wonderful” my mother says, patting my hand.

Speak for yourself.

I stand up.

Mom hands me my book bag and hugs me and I turn to leave, leaving her and Bethany behind and making my way to my room.
Everything on Tiffany's side is gone.

Relief sinks me.

But what the hell? She doesn't leave till next week.

I shrug and empty my bookbag on my bed.

Mostly clothes. A calendar, books and paper and pencils.

What?

I grab some sort of an outfit and go to the medicine window.

“Can I help you?” June asks.

“I'm wondering if you have a bandage?”

“What for?”

For my nose.

I roll my eyes.

I hesitate.
I can tell she's impatient so I roll up my sleeve ans how her my bloody bandage.

“Ah” she says and turns around.

A minute later she comes back with a bandage.

“Here you are, that should be big enough” she hands it to me.

I nod and turn around toward the showers.

It takes me a lifetime to remove my clothes.

I peel my pants off and my legs are terribly hairy.

I slowly remove my sweatshirt and t-shirt.

I unhook my bra and suddenly I'm naked.

I feel exposed.

I'm so glad there are no mirrors in the shower.

I look at my body.

Gross.

I put arms across my bare chest and I feel my n*****s harden.

I'm cold.

I turn on the water and let the steam build.

I examine myself.

God, I need to shave my legs.

I need to scrub myself.

Hard.

I step in and let the hot water swallow me.

It feel so good to have heat.

My wet hair makes makes my head heavy.

I shampoo my head and lather my body.

I then realize that I forgot to take my bandage off.

I slowly peel it off and it's sticking to my skin.

I pull harder and blood begins to prickle.

I quickly put my arm under water and was the blood away.

My arm looks disgusting.
The water hurts as it hits my scars.

The heat of the water burns my skin.

I wince.

Tears begin to mix with the water and I just let it go.

All of me.

I pour myself into the water.

Thoughts flash through me like lightning.

Him.

His hands, his dirty mouth.

My fears, all of my hopes.

Marks.

Cuts.

That night relives itself with me.

It's like a show playing just for me.

With my eyes closed I let out a silent scream.

Will it ever stop?

I let myself fall to the bottom in hopes of drowning.

This is out my control.

The memories keep wasting me away.

I sink into myself.

Feelings of dirtiness fills me.

I begin to scratch at myself.

Remove him off of me.

I understand why I bleed.

To rid of his nasty hands.

To cleanse myself.

To feel like I belong to myself again.

Not to him.

“Oh God! What are you doing?” a voice pulls me back into reality, but I don't stay long.

I'm long lost inside my head.

I feel hands over me, the water gone.

Someone stands me up and escorts me out of the shower.

The entire time I'm dazed.

“Jesus” someone says.

I feel a towel cross my shoulders and someone pulls me in.

I can't make out any faces and I fall into whomever is holding me.

“Can you hear me?” a voice says.

How many of them are there?

I stumble, but they hold me up.

I feel my clothes meet y body and my hair plastered to my back.

“Come on” the person holding me says.

We walk out of the showers and outside in the hall a group of girls are standing, watching.

Gossiping.

About me.

I'm still under someone's wing as I recognize Bethany coming toward me.

“What happened?” she meets us, no smile. She looks concerned.

About me?

“Sam found her in the shower. She's distorted and looks like she was scratching herself.” the person informs her.

“Oh my. Let's see” Bethany says.

The lady undoes my towel and exposes my arms and lifts my shirt to expose my stomach.

I'm ashamed.

“Oh Caroline!” I hear Bethany inhale.

I hug myself as if to protect myself.

“Thanks ladies. I'll take it from here” she puts her arms around me and leads me down the hallway.

“What happened Caroline?” She asks me.

Tears, that I thought vanished, roll down my cheeks.

I don't know.

We arrive at Dr. Valentino's door.

“You stay put, I'll be right back” she pats my shoulders and knocks and enters through the door.

Great, I'm alone.

Just what I need.

Time to be lost inside myself again.

The door opens and Bethany walks out followed by Dr. Valentino.

“Caroline it is int eh Spring Meadow's policy that we notify the parents of any type of emergencies that may occur. I'm going to let Dr. Valentino take over and I'm going to call your parents.” Bethany states.

I die.

“Come on in” Dr. Valentino moves aside, as I enter I hear her say “Thanks, Bethany” The door closes.

I sit on the chair.

She sits across from me.

“Caroline, are you okay? Do I need to take you to the hospital?”

I panic.

I shake my head.

“Are you sure?” she folds her hands on her desk.

I nod.

“What happened?”

“I don't know”

“Something happened. Is it true you were cutting or scratching yourself in the shower?”

I stay quiet.

I guess my silence gives me away.

“Caroline, that's not good. What brought this on?”she probes.

Memories. Dreaded memories.

“Urges” I say.

The f**k?

“What kind of urges?”
“The giving in kind” I say.

“And why do you develop these urges?”
Because I'm demented.

I shrug at her question.

She sighs.

“I don't know. Because I'm weird?”

“Caroline, you're not weird. I believe you are suffering from a disorder.”
Although I comprehend what she is saying, my brain decides to shut down.
“What?”
“I believe you are suffering from major depressive disorder and self-mutilation.”
I swallow.
What?
“I don't know the cause of that yet but if you are willing, we will figure it out together.” she says.

I don't know what to say.

I don't need her help.
She just wants inside my head.

She will never be in it.

I look down to the floor.

“Caroline, I need you to stay with me. Look at me, please.”

I look up.

“Do you want my help?”
No.

“Yes”

She smiles.

“Good. I'm so glad.” She stands up and comes out from behind her desk.

She sits in front of me.

“Tell me what happened in the shower.”
Am I ready for this?

I said yes when I really meant no.
Maybe I'm ready for something new.

Now she expects my life story.

I close my eyes and breathe.
“It's okay Caroline” She puts her hand on my shoulder.

I begin to talk; f**k it.

Then I freeze.
“I promise you it's okay. Just tell me what happened in the showers” she continues.

“He happened, okay? My thoughts happened. All my memories. They suffocate me. I can't control what goes on in my head.”
“Who is he?” she asks.

My mind explodes.
“Him. The f****r that did this to me, that made me how I am. My dreams are haunted, my memories tarnished with darkness. I hate my life. I hate him. I hate me.” I begin to sob.
The words can't stop flowing.
“He pushed me down, tied my hands together and spit on me.

He proceeded to rip my clothes off; he smelled of alcohol and cigarrets. He told me this is what I wanted and began putting his dirty hands all over me. He ripped of my bra and put his hands on my breasts. He kept telling me how much I wanted him and needed this. He pressed his lips against my stomach and made his way down. I began to kick but he ended up sitting on my legs and slapping me. I kept begging and crying and all he could do was move his hands all over my body. One of his hands was undoing my pants while the other held on to one of my legs...” My sobs get worse.

Dr. Valentino placed both of her hands on her mouth and tears are dripping from her face.

I vow to stop talking, but my brain is on the go.
I continue.

“He---he stuck his penis inside of me. He kept going at it until I couldn't breathe. My hands are tied above me so I couldn't move his head. I began to scream and his disgusting hands come toward me and cup my mouth. When I bit his one hand, he proceeded to wrap both hands around my neck. He moaned while I screamed. I felt everything. I felt him finish, I felt the blood drip from within me. When he finished he placed both of his hands on my hips and continued to thrust until I was losing my conscious. When he stopped, I was half dead. He got up off of me and pulled out a knife. He told me he would never forget this moment for as long as he lives because it was perfect. Then he came at me with a knife and cut me..” I point to my inner thighs, “he, he cut me. He cut me and told me it's the only way I'll forever remember him.”

I take a deep breath.

Dr. Valentino is crying, but she nods.

“I cut to rid of him. I cut myself to flush him away.”

I begin to cry hard.

She leans down and holds me.

We cry together.

My mind is still reeling but my heart feels free.

I embrace the feeling of freedom and rest up against Dr. Valentino.

She tells me, “Caroline, this isn't your fault. None of that was your fault.”
She lets me go, “You need to believe that. You did not ask for it, you did not cause it. You are the victim.”

I look at her.

In her own way, she's beautiful.

Soft eyes filled with concern and tears, touchable features.

She's desirable.

“Did you ever report him?” she breaks my concentration.

I shake my head.

“Do you know him?”
I nod.
“Who is he?”

I shake my head.

“Did he threaten you?”
I shake my head.

“Caroline, you've come thus far. You've let it all out. We can do this together, we can turn him in before it's too late, before he does it to someone else.”

Someone else?

Would he do this to someone else?

Oh my God.

I feel like s**t; I feel so selifsh.

Why didn't I think about the others?

How many others are there?

Before and after me.

“Caroline, hello?”
I turn to her.

“When did this happen?”

“Three months ago yesterday. I was walking home from Cassidy's house and he came at me and pushed me behind the bushes and tied my arms to the trunk of a bush and, well....” I look down.

She reaches for me and puts her hand under my chin and lifts my head up,

“You are beautiful Caroline, you are strong, smart, and gifted individual. Never feel any less. You did the right thing here today and I don't ever want you to feel like you did anything wrong” she tells me.

I almost believe her.

I look at my arms.

“Oh honey, those are who you are. The scars you made are from your past, you have the courage to stop it. Don't let the urges control you; you are in charge of your life- of your mind. Remember that.”

She hugs me and for the first time, I hug her back.

The only person I've hugged in a long time.

She believes in me.

“I'm going to put you on some anti-depressents called Vybriid. It's a medicine designed to help control your depression and hopefully subside your urges to harm yourself. Caroline, you will be okay. You are strong and bright. You have a great future ahead of you. Are you willing to report him?”
Medicine?
First of all I don't want to be apart of the medicine window, second of all I don't want anyone else going through what I went through, so in a way I guess I am ready to report. I look at her. She can tell by my eyes that I'm ready to start over, but deep inside I'm never going to be okay with myself.

I nod.

“His name is Jason Kyle McKennly.”
“And how do you know this Jason, Caroline?”

I swallow.

I close my eyes, his hands are coming towards me.

I hold my breath.

No.

I will them away; I keep repeating “you're safe” inside my head until they disappeared.

I open my eyes, “he is my dad's brother.”
Dr. Valentino's mouth drops.

“Oh my God! Your parents don't have a clue, do they?”
I shake my head.

“Please, don't...” I begin.

“Caroline!” she interrupts me, “I'm sorry, we have too. We have to report this. They will find out.”
I stand up and begin to leave.
“Caroline, sit! We are doing this together, remember?”

She takes my hand and sits me down.

I breathe.

“You are safe Caroline, you will be okay. Tell me, honestly, how do you feel now? Now that it's all in the open.”

Liberated.

I feel like I let him go, like he is finally off of me.

I still feel dirty, I feel like scrubbing myself clean, hard.
But, I feel liberated. I feel somewhat free.

I feel like maybe there is hope for me after all.

I'm not sure how my parents are going to react, but I'm not doing this alone.
For the first time in my life, I'm not alone.

I smile.

I look up at Dr. Valentino and say “Thank you. I feel new. I feel like maybe I can start over.”

She smiles.

“Okay, great! Now, let's call your parents and tell them the reason behind your stay here and lets let them know we are making great progress and you will be home in no time. Just remember, this will be hard to hear, especially for your father, but you will be okay, he will come around. After all, you are his daughter and a love for your own child is louder and stronger than your love for your sibling, believe that.”

I nod.

I'm ready.