TooReal

Might have a little bit of takes from other stories, raw, uncutt...wrote while by being bored.

“Liyah, why are you so weird?”

There wasn’t much I could say to the question that seemed to lie down and rub my back every time I did anything that wasn’t like anyone else. I loved being me, but people wanted me to be like them. Especially my boy friend, Jermaine, he always wanted me to be like him…but somehow he loved that I wasn’t.

He liked that I didn’t call him Jermaine like everyone else did. I called him J.D. and I always made it sound like I was saying “Jadie”….a girl’s name…even though he didn’t have a d in his name at all. Not the middle, not the last, especially not the first..

He liked that I loved chewing winter fresh gum. That I saved my chewed up pieces on my bed rail and randomly pulled one off and chewed it again. He liked that a lot………

He liked my hair, even when it was nappy …..he liked it.

He liked my feet….when they looked like s**t….my toenails all irregular…no paint…..no anything on them to make them look pretty…he liked them…

He liked my sweaty hands….the ones that could probably sweat a pool of water for me to splash in if I didn’t wipe them on my jeans every five seconds. He l-liked it….

I knew that he liked me because I knew that he could f**k any girl he wanted to. Before I even got with him I always heard stories in the locker room…the kind that started with the date and ended with the bedroom… I heard about his dick before I even got the chance to feel it inside of me. I heard about his tongue before I even got the chance to feel it pushing up against mine. I heard about his lips before I even got the time of day when he would ask me if I wanted him to kiss me there.

I dreamt about him.

I think I told him that I did. Later on….when we started our relationship.

But at first I only felt him in dreams. I dreamed that he was on top of me, sometimes I dreamed about him whispering something into my ear….like he did in gym class with those pretty girls with the long hair. I thought about him a lot….especially in school when I saw him. I would stare so hard that I would make myself believe that I was the one he was wrapping his arm around….that I was the girl that he let cut in front of him so she could get her lunch quicker whenever we were in the lunch line.

It didn’t happen like that though. Our relationship was never like that. He didn’t….he didn’t let me do the things that he let those other girls do.

“You’re special to me, Liyah,” he had told me one night, “You’re not like the others”.

Isn’t that what they always say? But I believed him. I knew I was different. I knew that he….that he loved me. That he cared for me more than the others. I was his first….his first virgin.

He didn’t know what to do with me when I first came on to him that day in the library. I told him that I wanted to experiment, to try it…to try sex. Like it was something you just give a swing at…like sports…see if you have what it takes to make the team. We were paired up together for a English project (he was horrible at English) and I knew it was my chance to get with him. I had seen it before in tons of movies….the weird girl makes the cool boy fall in love with her while they work on a school assignment. I was sure that it would go the way it did in the motion pictures. I was so sure…..

I thought he knew what to do….but I suppose he didn’t. He took me into the back of his car….his uncle’s he had confessed……..he asked me if I had been with anyone else. I lied. I told him that I had….which was technically true…because I had been with someone…in my dreams….him.

He found out soon enough that I was lying and we hadn’t even had sex yet. I didn’t know how to kiss, feel, grab, anything…..it was like I was a child that needed to be taught. So…he taught me that day, and the next day, and the next, and the next….we moved so slow that I eventually started to believe that he was my boyfriend. Weeks had passed and we were still “fooling around” (that’s what he called it since we weren’t having actual sex) learning more about each others minds and bodies. I felt like I was on a drug, and that’s how everyone who knew me treated me. They could tell that something was different. I was starting to put on perfume, care about what clothes I wore, I even went as far as to shave my vagina….I cut myself the first time though. It was a weird feeling, to suddenly have someone to care about that wasn’t your friends or your family. It made me different.

We didn’t speak at school…or anything like that. He would just pick me up whenever I was free or taking one of my ‘walks’. My mother didn’t notice, I never had a boyfriend before…she probably thought I was a gay or just not sexual at all. Sex was for my comedic brother and lovely cousin….not for Liyah.