False Rumor

"Some things you just can't believe"

What I had under my nose could easily be one of the worst hands in the history of Scrabble. And just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I drew one last letter from the green linen bag.

   ‘You’re kidding me, right?’ I scowled, looking up suspiciously at my opponent as if he were in some way siding up with the tile bag to conspire against me. Which wasn’t very unlikely, by the way, knowing how dedicated that rascal could get when it came to pranking me. For all I knew he could’ve sneaked twenty Z’s and X’s in there, just to ruin my morning.

   I placed the newly-drawn ‘Q’ alongside the other undesirable tiles and stared at my rack for a long time, rubbing my chin pensively.

   ‘Bill, fondling your goatee isn’t gonna miraculously teach you words,’ Joey said with an impatient tone. 

   Joey was my long-time Scrabble friend and the best damn pastry cook I’d ever met. One time he managed to “unbake” a cake by setting the oven at -250°C, turning it back into a mixture of raw eggs and flour. Okay, maybe that hadn’t exactly happened that way but it did make a great story.

   ‘Well, I’ve seen it work before’, I shot back while still concentrating on the combinations of ungrammatical words I couldn’t use. ‘Plus, at this point I’m willing to sell a kidney for a freaking vowel.’

   ‘Come on, just toss in anything, will ya?’ complained Joey, his face buried in his Smartphone on his lap. ‘You’re sucking the fun out of the game.’

   ‘Is ZUQ a word?’ I asked, screwing up my face. He shrugged and said, ‘It kinda sounds like a word. Could be Afric-…’

    The sound of the door bursting open made us jerk our heads around sharply. From where we were sitting, at the back end of the coffee shop, we could see a heavy-set guy with an alarmed expression on his face, clumsily cutting through the scattered chairs and tables, throwing what sounded like “excuse me”s and “sorry”s along his way. 

   It was Nelly the mailman. 

   He stopped at our table in a not-so-subtle way, knocking it over and sending tiles flying away like rice on a wedding closure. His whole body was spasming and his clothes were dripping with sweat. As a matter of fact, I believe one of his sweat droplets fell into my coffee as he was standing a little too close to me. Charming picture, I know, but I loved the b*****d. I admit he might’ve had some weight issues, but Nelly wouldn’t have been Nelly without his inflated belly and his soon-to-blow-up face. 

   He and I had been friends ever since I moved in after the incident. To put it shortly, my dentist, who also happened to be my wife at the time, tried to murder me by stuffing cotton tissues down my throat while I was half-sedated. Why would she do that, you might want to ask me? I haven’t got the slightest clue. What I do know, though, is that that crazy hag must’ve had some fun trying to open the food jars in the kitchen. I made sure to close them really tightly before I took off.

   ‘What the hell’s going on, Nelly?’ I urged him.
   He held a hand up while his lungs screamed for some oxygen. After a few moments of laboured gasping and panting, Nelly could finally formulate a sentence.
   ‘Your wife,’ he let out between two puffs. 

   ‘Oh dear God, Nelly.’ I straightened up. ‘She’s back to finish the job, isn’t she?’

   ‘Joey’s wife,’ he rectified, turning to face Joey. 

   ‘Wait, what? Hold on.’, Joey leaned forward on one elbow, eyes bugged out. ‘What about her?’

   ‘Okay, don’t freak out but I think I just saw your wife in your balcony making out with that friend of yours’, Nelly said slowly, unsure of how the man would react to the news.    ‘And I must say things looked pretty nasty to me. She had her leg wrapped around him in a weird way. Like a boa or a python squeezing the life out of its prey, you know. There was some sort of erot-…’ 

   ‘God damn it, Nelly!’ I shut him up with a cold, deadly gaze.
   I’d never seen Joey look so infuriated before. He was fuming and his lips pursed into an almost comical shape. If we’d been in a cartoon, steam would’ve come out of his ears and nostrils with a train horn sound.
   Unfortunately, we weren’t, so you’ll have to use your imagination, folks. 

   He stood up and stormed out, cursing like a retired priest.      After Joey left, Nelly sat opposite me, and an uncomfortable silence settled. Well, it wasn’t technically silence since he was still struggling to set his breathing rate back to normal.

   ‘You okay there, buddy?’

   ‘Yeah, I’m just…’ He gave me a pained look and sucked in some more air. ‘You know every time I realize how obese I am, I get so depressed I go home and cut myself…’

   ‘Oh, Nelly. You really shouldn’t harm yourself like that. There are ways to…’

‘…a piece of pie, you idiot. I don’t even have the balls to argue with Helen, you think I can slice my own arm?’

   He leaned back on the chair and rested his hand on his colossal belly.

   ‘You know what she told me the other day?’

   ‘What?’

   ‘That our sex life was dead as a dodo. And you wanna know her favorite position?’

   ‘Nope, I really d-…’

   ‘Missionary Impossible, Bill,’ he finished anyway, with a sad, thin smile that induced the deepest sense of sympathy in me. However, my attempt at concealing my giggle failed miserably and, instead, I made a “mmppphhkkgh” sound.

   But hey, you laughed too. We’re in this together now. 

   The bell by the door tinkled and Joey rushed in towards us, wearing almost the same countenance he’d left with.

   ‘Nelly, you lying piece of trash,’ he yelled from across the shop, pointing a rigid index at him.

   ‘Whoa, whoa,’ I intervened. ‘What happened back there?’

   ‘This guy right here,’ he said nodding towards Nelly, ‘thinks it’s funny to spread false rumors about my personal life.’
   I gave him a quizzical look. 

   ‘Hank is NOT my friend, okay?’ Joey explained. ‘That prick wouldn’t even let me borrow his lawnmower.’

Reviews

[Beccy]

Every so well written Moody. You carry a story and create such spot on characters and dialogue, that the punchline here seems almost irrelevant.

This is the mark of a very good storyteller.

Beccy.

[barleygirl]

Not very many things make me laugh out loud, but the ending to your story certainly did! I did not see that coming, even tho your entire write was crammed with nonsense (very well done, of course!) I've heard that joke before, but it felt funnier in this context, becuz of the way your story zoomed along with outlandish humor. Now to the writing . . . it's rare to be able to draw distinct & memorable characters as you've done in this short piece, while also keeping the breakneck pace that doesn't get the reader tangled up in whatever's happening. Your writing has laser focus, in keeping to the fast-paced action, while also showing us the characters, building them to be believable in this very short piece. Amazing!

[Moody]

I cannot thank you enough for this review! Thank you so much for taking the time to give back such an accurate and genuine comment. I'm thrilled you like my writing, and I hope to dazzle you with future ones :)

[Taylor]

Really nice piece, good pacing, good dialogue. Feels like a long joke with a surprise punchline. I found addressing the reader directly to be a little distracting, but that may just be me. Keep writing. I like your work.

[Moody]

Thank you for the review Taylor :) I really appreciate it
As for the distraction thing, I will think about it. Maybe I should tone it down a bit in my next writings.

[Stan Lee]

Lol. I loved this. Think I already said so on Woody's account but anyhow. I loved it! Made me laugh and the style is so enjoyable to read. Great story. Thanks for sharing :)

[Moody]

Very appreciated, Andronicus. I'm delighted that you loved it.

[Woody]

funny story, Mood. interesting characters and nice twist :)

[Moody]

Thanks dad! :D

[Untalented Creation]

Nice one! I really enjoyed reading it and the last joke really got me laugh so badly.

[Moody]

Haha thanks loads :)
Well, now we all know better than to call Hank Joey's friend.