The Truth... I Miss you mom

A Poem by snowskie

A poem about my life

So far I feel I've done my best, to hide it away and keep it suppressed, I push and push and try to compress, but all I want is a little rest, I still think about what I could've done, to save you from deaths, loaded gun, people warn me not to blame myself, they also say I shouldn't dwell, but I honestly think if they had felt the pain inside, the day you died, the pain I try so hard to hide, then they themselves might change there minds, they tell me your in a better place, that you'll always be with me and not to lose faith, I've spent 5 years trying to run away, but I still have these thoughts every day, if only you were here so I could hear you say, how much you love me and how it will all be ok, some nights I dream you never left, and these dreams they always feel the best, while I sleep and try to catch my rest, but when I wake it turns around, and it seems a nightmare is what I have found, don't get me wrong I love having those dreams, but the pain of waking up in this world your not in, makes me lean towards hoping it will end, I love you so much wherever you are, and I really am sorry I've been falling apart, I know you'd be upset with some things I've done, like taking off and going on the run, or asking god to please let me be done, I prayed for hours while on my knees, I sat in the front yard begging please, Lord let me die, give me cancer or aids I don't care how you do it I just don't want this life, it took a whole year before I realised he heard me, s**t my girl was pregnant and we was having a baby, I haven't died yet and I feel conflicted, like god made a joke and I was left convicted, at least I learned a lesson from this joke played on me, be careful what you ask for cause he can make u believe, I'll still be grateful for the gift gave to me, I found it funny when they discovered it you see, and the fact that I asked for it was pure irony, since then I've just floated around in my life, laughing at things that would make others cry, I've learned that the only mask that hides pain, is one made of humor and lies like a game.