Beautiful

Crystal drops that stream down your eyes so perfect they memorize.
Shadows leak whispering filthy things in the dark.
The hand on my shoulder that never leaves it traces my back and imprints on me.
A ache that sits in my mind, heart, skin.
I taste this sweetness on my lips but it fades and I am empty.
Watching. Waiting.
The time passes me by but still I sit. Still i wait.
My head has become empty, but these things they still linger.
The teeth gnaw my skin. it bruises my soul pouring red.
I wonder if these things also can be beautiful?

Reviews

[JayG]

• “Crystal drops that stream down your eyes so perfect they memorize. “

The definition of crystal is: a solid form of a substance or mixture that has a regularly repeating internal arrangement of its atoms and often external plane faces.

So, this person somehow has a liquid form of crystal running DOWN their eyes? That makes no sense, even if you intended it to mean tears, because they run FROM the eyes, not in them. And neither eyes nor crystals can memorize anything.

Not what you intended, as meaning, of course, but your intent doesn’t make it to the page, so you need to state things in a way to make it meaningful, based on your words as the reader’s life-experience seems to indicate.

• Shadows leak whispering filthy things in the dark.

Seriously? I give up. What are “whispering filthy things? I have shadows under my desk, and asked them about it, but they leaked nothing, clean or filthy.

It appears that you're trying for the Bunthorn poetic approach of

"If this young man expresses himself
in terms too deep for me,
Why, what a very singularly deep young man
this deep young man must be!"

Unfortunately, the song about doing it is more fun for the reader than doing it.

Michael Ball provides a fun version of that song here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu_Xk_Vl6fk