barf shaped glasses

i watched the marilyn manson music video for "heart shaped glasses" again. i felt bizarre and disgusted, again.

probably, it's contributing to my lack of interest in sleep. "i need a cathartic release" i tell boone.
"like breaking something?"

no. he says he wants to read it when i'm done. but, i won't let him, though, i might show him something else and claim it's this. maybe a neil gaiman story called snow glass apples.

i'm telling him how horrible that story was.
"ok" he says, because he doesn't know what it is.

this is my first live-action writing piece. all i'm doing right now is writing about the fact that i'm writing. now i'm out of material.

...it's funny, cause the father character in the neil gaiman story reminded me immediately of mattE. and i of course am snow white, sucking blood from the six year old's teethmarks in his c**k. maybe deep down he feels aroused. this terrifying and incomprehensible part of me, it keeps playing over and over. i'm also the queen, unsure how to appropriately nurture this part of me, and unsure how to lie still and quiet.

he used the l-o-v-e word, because i am a massochist. but he's not cruel. he just likes to have this, s****y little girl, and i like how it feels to have a body wrapped around me after because, it feels Safe. he tells me i'm his favorite. i take it farther than the other girls.

i guess,

i feel a sense of shame. ? when i see it. when i read it. i feel ashamed. it's hard to explain why, execpt that today when i read this sunday's post secret post cards, a women mentions this game her father used to play with her called grocery store or something similar in which he fondles her through her bedsheets, and how i'm both characters, there. especially with boone. who, if i explained the post card, might ask me to act out such things with him.

"is that how i make you feel?"
"no! i just thought it was interesting."

"don't you think that's a weird response?" i ask sara, "what do you think that means?"
"that he know's he's a creep and feels guilty about it."
"i wish i could just stop acting out sexually."
"he probably knows he's exploiting that."

i wonder this about marylin manson (who's comprable to boone in height, weight, approximate age, immaturity, and dork factor appeal) and evan rachel wood.

"one day, i saw her, she showed up with the uh the heart shaped glasses that are on the poster for stanley kubrick's Lolita--which, strangely, never appear in either version of Lolita. they're just on the poster. but they're so iconic and um--it was meeting someone who had a sense of humor to know that ok, oh, people are going to make fun of the fact that, you know it's a lolita-esque friendship--relationship, whatever the case may be--but it's great to know someone who has that intelligence, that sense of humor, that irony..."

so she kind of sickens me, too. when she wears those glasses, and it's gross. i just wanna scream.

"i dunno, i'm at a block. i can't think of anything else. say something stimulating about daddy issues." i'm telling sara.
"can it be a quotation?" just asked.
"sure."

"It had become gradually clear to my conventional Lolita during our singular and bestial cohabitation that even the most miserable of family lives was better than the parody of incest, which, in the long run, was the best I could offer the waif."

Reviews

[Delmar Cooper]

I suggest you change the title. It isnt entirely relevant to the "story", it puts off readers, but other than that it is boring and the writing is not. The piece is so gorgeously self indulgent and so blind to any opinion of a potential reader that reading it becomes as thrilling as voyeurism. Thanks for sharing.