i have no responsibilities

The cats like to sleep in my room during the day, probably because it's warm and sunny. Lisa doesn't: she sleeps in dad's bed, probably because she's always slept there, and she doesn't like the other cats, and she's not allowed in my room.

he let them all in this morning. he does that kind of thing. passive aggressive, you know, because i'm allergic and he doesn't like that i can sleep in.

"you have no responsibilities! [and that's unfair! I Want No Responsibilities!]...end quote.

i know, he says, "i know you ask about the other house because you just can't Wait for me to get out of here!"

which is a point hard to argue against this early in the morning, i'm trying to sleep, and he's threatening to take my dog to the pound (because that would be easier than just...letting her out.)

"how would YOU feel if you had to wait till ten in the morning to pee?!"

well, considering i was asleep.

* * *

i tried sleeping through that part of the morning. my mother died six months ago, exactly. it's hard to really know what's changed. i don't cry all the time about it, just sometimes.

i called my grandma because it's her birthday.
"has anyone done anything about the house?"
"uh, yeah, we moved some stuff..." i lied, mostly. "but, john is trying to get this house. you know, it's like a, house under foreclosure. and, he's trying to bid on it, the bidding ends tonight. so, if he gets it, we'll be able to move the stuff over there."


* * *

"so many animals" melanie notes.
"yeah, too many..."

last night i had a dream percy was out, though, and wondering around. it was kind of neat, because he came and cuddled with me for a while and didn't pee in the bed or shred up the blankets.

we went to the thift store. melanie and i, i mean. after she showed me how to ride my new bike, but there weren't any mushroom canisters or anything fun, it's not like the thriftstore in denver, you can always find good things there.

i thought maybe i'd find the right book case to convert to a doll house or something, but, nothing.

"i just don't want to be a debby downer..." she says.
"what makes you think you'll be a debby downer?" i ask.

and i tell her sometimes she's sad and i don't know what to do with it, and i said i'm trying to know how to sit with it.

but, i do show her all my toys, the way i want to show her photographs of toys some man did in black and white that look like the twilight zone. they're very dark, i'd say, it's the kind of thing you'd appreciate.

* * *

so, it's official. i don't know how long it's been going on, but i guess this is the first announcement of it i'll make, which is that i'm no longer writing to any particular person. i guess that means these aren't letters to a body like a somebody or a nobody, they're just letters. if they even are letters, really...

john says if he gets the house i can have the more well lit bedroom in the front of the house, and that dad'll have the master bedroom, because he demands it, because technically he's paying for part of it, or something.

and i wonder how it'll turn out.

i'm tired. mattE and i had a fight last weekend. i was having a little crisis about the navy, and he didn't know what to do with me, so he just left it alone, which only made it worse, because i needed attention and love and acceptance and all that. not to be ignored when i'm already feeling completely unacknowledged. we sort of made up, by which i mean we had good make-up-sex, but i feel a little distant.

i don't think i know what i want this to be about.

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[Delmar Cooper]

this whole website sucks.

-Francis

I know why I think this. Why do you? Never mind. I think it sucks because this posting has had 113 views and not peep in response. Posted in April of 2010. Are you even still alive? Do you ever look at this site?
I like it.