Abulia

People often say that they've had enough, but do they stop? Maybe

I want to stop;
To never do it again.
I've wanted that before,
But I could never make it.
This time, I have to do it,
Then, it'll be no more.
Six times that has happened,
But there was never any change.
So what's different this time?
Each time I was desperate,
I hate how that feels.
But never hated it enough
To stop what I was doing.
I can't look at myself;
I can't live with it anymore.
I'm tired of the hate,
I'm tired of the shame.
Maybe that's what makes
This time so different.
All the hate has piled up,
A ticking bomb,
And if it explodes,
then I'm gone.
I don't want that, so I
Decide to try again,
To lie awake and wait for morning
And see what may come
With the breaking of dawn.
If it is the breaking of me,
 Then so be it,
But I will be real.
Real and broken,
But forever rid of the
Mask and the nightmares
That it brought.

Author's Note

The title is this word that I saw on Pinterest that means "the inability to make decisions," so that's kind of where this came from.