Rattlesnakes

Raising boys

THE RATTLESNAKES    by Shelia

I drove into the driveway at the end of a busy day; nothing on my mind but what to fix for dinner.  Dave, my 12 year old was standing in the yard with a friend.  I nodded to them as I got out of the car and started toward the front door.

"Uh Mom?"  Dave said, stepping toward me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Uh, I just wanted to tell you, uh, don't take the lid off  the garbage can."

The lid was one we'd found and it didn't fit the garbage can.

"Why not?"  I asked suspiciously.

"Well, uh, there's 3 Rattlesnakes in there," he said very soberly.

"What?"  I screamed, "Rattlesnakes in the garbage can?  How did they get in there?"

"We caught them up on Mt San Miguel," he said indicating the hill near where we lived in Spring Valley, California.

"You caught them?" I shouted.

"Yeah, it was easy, Mom. You just get a stick with a fork at the end," he said, showing me two fingers in a "V" shape, "then when you find the snake, you take the stick and real quick you pin 'em behind the head and he can't get away and he can't bite either," he said with a big grin. "It's real easy."

"And just what do you plan to do with them?"  I inquired.

"Oh, we thought we'd keep 'em 3 or 4 days then turn 'em loose," he said.

"You'll keep them 3 days and then turn them loose; three angry, hungry and thirsty Rattlesnakes? And I guess when you dump them out of the garbage can; they will just very quietly slither away?"

From the look on his face, I don't think he had considered that.  The other boy definitely, looked petrified. 

Well, you'd better get rid of them," I told him as I turned to go into the house, "because I won't have them around here; and anyway, where are we supposed to put the garbage?"

Ten minutes later, I heard Dave yelling, "Mom, hey Mom."  I dashed to the front door thinking the worst, he had gotten bitten or something.  There, standing in the middle of the street was Dave.  In his right hand he had a Rattlesnake by the back of the head and his left hand was holding the wriggling body three feet further down. 

"See Mom, he can't hurt you," he yelled at me.

I couldn't believe my eyes; for a moment I was speechless, then I yelled,

"Dave, you get rid of those snakes right now, before somebody calls the police."  Already, I could see several neighbors peeking out their windows.

A single Mom, Lord give me strength.

Reviews

[E. Leo Wells]

Having lived in the Southwest USA, and having plenty of experience with rattle snakes I can appreciate the story. I've been looking at your story from a construct point view. I like your dialog with exception of your tag lines, (where you are pointing to the speaker, i.e he yelled at me, a general rule is, if you only have two people, such as Dave and you, tag lines are not necessary, in my neighborhood they call them things speed bumps, meaning they slow down the reader and most of the time they are unnecessary (he said, she said, etc. at this point you have indicated who the listener is, Mom, Dave's first two words "See Mom,... try to put more depth in your dialog by showing more emotional behavior in the tag line "Mom's" concern (in her thought, under her breath, not to scare, etc.) I have read the story both ways, with and without the speed bumps. Like it best without. The flatness will go away, when you add some of emotional characteristics of a mother watching her son(s) playing with a rattle snake. You might want to consider finding, on the Internet, Lee Zion"s Forbidden Fifty, if you are unable to find it, I will get a copy and send it to you in a message with the listing (forbidden fifty) and how they will help tighten up your story.
E. Wells, South central KY (London) Forbidden Fifty words you should never use in writing, especially in creative writing.

[Judy Ponceby]

Enjoyed your story very much. As I have a 12 yr old and grew up with 4 brothers. I know exactly where you are coming from with this. LOL. A few structural things would tweak your write, but I think those were covered by the previous reviewer. Looking forward to reading more of your stories :)

[Shelia]

Hi fellow Kentuckian. Thank you for your very constructive criticism. I actually, thought I was already doing what you suggested but wasn't. I will rewrite it. Thank you. I do love to use dialog and want to do it well. I am in Glasgow.

[Brianna Brie]

This write gives me a feel good feeling. It is so true. There are many joys to raising boys. Boys will be boys :)

[Emily B]

I have a twelve year old, he's mean enough to be a rattlesnake some days . . .

[Miss Cynthia]

I like this :)

[Forest Green]

Trials of living near the wilds...very homey writing; delightfully told and certainly brings the circumstances into bright focus...;)

Very nice piece...

[Vanesa Markovic]

Hahaha, this is wonderful!
The bravery, (albeit sometimes foolish) children possess is mind-blowing.
I would have sooner moved houses than gone near the bin!

Lovely read!

[BLR]

Ha ha, this is great.

[.......]

Snakes give me the creeps.
I enjoyed this write, so much fun.
Amazing detail and imagery.