Orderly to Hectic

Wrote this after discussing things with a friend that have happened in our lives that we regret. Disclaimer: none of this actually happened as written. This is merely a portrayal of similar emotions.

I get up and walk back over to my desk. I pick up my phone and dial a number. The phone rings a few times before someone answers.

“Hello?”

She would tell you that I never stop talking. But in this moment, I am properly at a loss for words. Countless thoughts, emotions and tiny memories run through my mind, turning it from clean order into hectic mess in a matter of milliseconds.

I was looking at the television, but I was completely tuned in to her body " the way she leaned into me; how her legs intertwined with mine; her thumb lightly brushing back and forth across the back of my hand. She shifted slightly against me. I turned my head slightly to glance at her. Her head was already turning back to look at the movie.

Exactly how am I supposed to feel? I imagine my emotions all lining up to make their case.

Pride elbows the first emotion out of the way saying boastfully, “Most guys would kill to have the day you had.” The other emotion goes and stands next to patience, who is watching from the side.

“Deep down, you wanted this all along,” Satisfaction says with a knowing smile.

Impatience, unable to wait any longer, bursts out, “It was about time!”

Anxiety whispers worriedly, “What if someone finds out?”

She arched against me. Our bodies were completely intertwined, our breathing heavy. At this point, millions of years of evolutionary instinct began to kick in: literally without thinking, my hands ran all over her body, caressing her thighs and hips, moving up and across her back, around to her chest and up her shoulders, then returning to their original position on her back. I heard her sigh with pleasure between kisses.

“Are you there?” the voice on the other end ventured.

She broke her lips away from mine and began kissing along my jawline, down to my neck and collarbone. A moan eased itself from my lips as my body began to react to the new touch. She brought her lips back to mine. Her kisses were accompanied by new urgency. Then, without stopping the kiss, she shifted her weight slightly and rolled so she was straddling me, keeping her body pressed closely against mine. She took my hands and placed them on her hips before resting her own on my shoulders. We stayed like this for a few minutes, our kisses continuing to grow in urgency. On some unspoken cue, she broke away and her hands moved. I felt her fingers fumbling with my belt.

My mind is quiet again. There is only one emotion left. Shame waits patiently, standing at the front of a now silent crowd of emotions. It was always shame, I realize.

“Hello?” she repeated.

My voice trembled as I replied, “We need to talk.”