Letters to the Universe

More letters will be posted on my Patreon page! For exclusive members only! Enjoy some pieces from my upcoming book "Letters to the Universe"

Dear Universe

It’s getting harder to hold on and I’m not coming to terms with how alone I actually am. The fact that my own mother can’t acknowledge the pain and trauma I went through as a kid truly breaks my heart. I’m more broken than I’ve ever been and I’m truly scared this time because the thoughts are growing louder and knowing I am inches away from death is becoming more real to me.

Universe...

I’m learning to come to terms with how damaged I am

I’m learning how toxic my thoughts can be

How quickly they can devour me whole and send me spiraling into turmoil

I’m learning that no matter how hard I try nothing I do will ever be good enough- I didn’t ask to breathe this moment

I didn’t ask to be born into this present simulation

Yet I am indebted to my mother- the woman who should of nurtured me when I woke up from a nightmare but instead woke out of a coma of stress and anger that projected through her words into me

My needs as a child were ignored heavily

So I learned to cope with doing things on my own

Like making friends or going to school on my own

I learned to swallow the pain after getting jumped by 15 girls in gym class

Begging to run out of the school gate like freedom was the only escape but I kept running back into the same moment but each time I relived a memory of pain it only made the feeling worse

I learned to eat my feelings away, the sadness seeped so deep it was almost like a second skin

Fat, ugly, cherry faced, Lesbian, pig

“Look at piggy she’s crying...”

The nights I stood up quietly crying myself into slumber

The day my middle school crush asked me to be his girlfriend in front of the whole class, only to be laughed out of the room to hide into the staircase.

I was the girl who hung out with the dyke

2 gals loving G-Unit and had each others back

The outcasts out of the bunch

2 fingers down my throat and out came acid

My stomach filled with empty promises and calories

To be perfect to the world was to be thin and blind

So I carried food with hate and distrust for 11 years.

At the age of 12, after sneaking into the kitchen at 12 am for food

Then back again to purge the sin away

Day after day

What left though the pipes never came back

My innocence and adolescence stripped the moment I laid a blade across my skin

Cut after cut

All I ever wanted was for the madness to stop

Universe, why?

Why did you make me go through so much pain?

I know nothing of faithfulness or modesty

All I crave is the hunger and the calm

This storm has lasted forever and I’m caught in the wreckage

My identity wiped clean the moment you took what I loved away from me

I endured such pain that’s only made me kind

And bitter all at once.