The Unmarked Trail

I explored an unmarked trail

A path that made me weep and wail

It was long and winding

Along the way I made a lot of sacrifices

To find me

On this path I took forks

Not knowing if anything would work

I stand on a new road now

Teaching others how

To travel the unmarked trail

Reviews

[JayG]

• I explored an unmarked trail… A path that made me weep and wail

Here, you’re clearly forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme. And that’s a poem-killer, because the rhyming words should be exactly those that best fit the thought, not be chosen simply because you needed a rhyme and that’s all that came to mind.

More than that: What kind of path can make someone “weep and wail?” I’ve been in the outdoors for a lot of years, and have followed a lot of trails, but I never had one make me wail.

It might be that you mean a metaphoric trail, but only you know that. The reader will take the meaning the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background, as-they-read, Your intent for how to take the words never makes the page.

• It was long and winding…Along the way I made a lot of sacrifices

What does this tell a reader? That the trail was a trail, and that most it wasn't straight? and that the one speaking did some unspecified things, for unknown reasons? How is that poetic…or informative? Meaningful to you? I’m sure it is, and that it calls up experiences in your life. But who did you write it for? What does it call up in THEIR mind?

See the problem? You’re writing a poem that touches on events and sacrifices in your life as you read it, but should move the reader, emotionally.

Added to that, a structured poem either rhymes or it doesn’t. A single rhyme, or a few placed randomly, as you have here, does not a poem make. There’s a LOT more to writing poetry than there appears to be. So a bit of time spent digging into the tricks-of the-trade—the techniques the pros take for granted, makes a lot of sense, and, will make a huge change for the better in your work. The more you know, the more options you have.

In that, I have several suggestions:

1. To see the power a well chosen rhyme, coupled with knowledge of poetic structure, can have, take a look at: The Cremation of Sam McGee. Written over 100 years ago, it still has the power to get the reader tapping their feet in time to the cadence of the words. And the ending still brings a smile. Copy/paste the address into the URL window at the top of the page, and hit Return.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

Then, look on the pages following the poem, for the analysis of why it works so well, even today.

2. Take a look at the Amazon excerpt for Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It gives a great overview of the flow of language, and how we react to it.

Sorry my news isn’t better, but since you can’t fix the problem you don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know of both the problem, and the way to fix it.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[StormeLight]

I can see why you think that, about that line, and I appreciate that you find it cheesy. But, I really did feel that wail was the best word to describe this dream I had. As I was actually wailing in the dream itself when I had it. Thank you for your input though, I know my phrases can come across as corny sometimes. But, I still choose my words carefully to express everything I feel and experience. I never rush through my poems, my goal is to bring people into my experience, not be the most skilled poet out there. Authenticity and genuine expression, telling my story, those are my goals. I understand that you feel it's a problem, but hear me when I say that some of my poems are simple and will be considered corny by some. But, they are just as special to me as the more complex ones that I write. Thank you for taking so much time to write a response, we will just have to respectfully disagree on the matter. This is not designed to be a showcase of all of my poetry writing skills. I have purpose in keeping it simple sometimes and yes, while you may not like the cheesy rhyme, and others might not either, it was done on purpose. Not because I lack the writing skills to do it any other way, and not because I rushed it.

[Client Moonlight]

"What kind of path can make someone “weep and wail?" Really dude? I don't i have to explain how silly of a question that is, especially coming from a "writing critic".

I'd just like to point out i actually enjoyed this poem. I both understood the metaphorical trail and related to its meaning. I also appreciated the rhyming that appeared, the path to self improvement can feel forced. It can also have beautiful moments and little victories that rhyme you could say. It can and does have moments where it does not. I don't know how much of this was intended though as with any art it is all subjective. It's up to those who gaze upon it to find their own meaning in it. If you did not Sir then I feel sorry for you, maybe try to gaze a little more openly.

[JayG]

• But, I really did feel that wail was the best word to describe this dream I had. As I was actually wailing in the dream itself when I had it.

So? In the whole universe, only you know that you’re talking about a dream. To the reader, as they read, it's a trail, because you called it that, remember? It matters not at all that the words are meaningful to you, because you’re not the one reading it, and your knowlege isn’t in the reader’s head.

• But, I still choose my words carefully to express everything I feel and experience.

You choose them to be meaningful to you, not to be meaningful to someone who lacks your intent AND all trace of context.

If I say, “I remember that time in Mexico, with Charlie. The rooster was probably never the same again,” What does it mean to you? Nothing. You don’t know where in Mexico, when it happened, or the smallest thing about it—like Charlie being female. Sure, if I read those words the events of that night are there in my mind. So for me, every word acts as a pointer to events, images, and attitudes, all stored in my mind. But when you read it, every word acts as a pointer to events, images, and attitudes, all stored in MY mind. And that does you no good.

• my goal is to bring people into my experience, not be the most skilled poet out there.

Who doesn’t have that goal? But did my talking about Charlie bring you into the experience? Does talking about a trail, in generalities do that?

And, did you take prosody into account? No. And prosody is the very heart of structured poetry.

L1: trochaic and has four feet.
L2: iambic and has four feet.
L3: Trochaic with 3 feet.
L4: Iambic with 6 feet, and, it reads with a stumble.

There’s a LOT more to poetry that talking to the reader about things in your life.

Tell the reader “Life is hard,” and what does it mean to them? Nothing because it's a generality. But…set the scene in prison, or in The Antarctic, or in war, and the meaning—and what the reader gets—differs for each, though the line is the same.

Set it in a whorehouse and here’s yet another mood set up for the reader. Place it in a grounded teenager’s bedroom and the words are still true for the one speaking them, but the reader’s perception of the setting, and the intensity, is drastically different.

My point is that it’s up you to program the reader for the necessary emotion. But without knowing even the basics of poetry technique, not matter how careful you are; no matter how much time you take, write the poem with the book-report writing skills we get in school and it will, and must, read like a report.

Think about it: they offer MFA degrees in poetry. Would you bet that none of what they’re taught is necessary?

In school the writing skills we were given have an informational goal. The narrator talks to the one reading, explaining and reporting. Look at your poetry. In all cases, you, the reporter, are talking TO the reader. And because you are, and because the reader can’t either hear or see you, the voice of the narrator is, and must be, dispassionate. Have the computer’s narrator program read your work to you (always a good editing practice) to hear how different what the reader gets is from what you intend them to hear.

My point is that poetry’s goal is an emotional one. We want to make the reader feel, and care. And reports can’t do that. It takes an emotion-based approach. But if you don’t know that, like most hopeful writers, you'll do the best you can with what you have. And if sincerity was enough…

• we will just have to respectfully disagree on the matter

Easy enough to prove you’re right. Sell one. Or, waith till you have eight or ten comments on how good a given poem is, here.

• Not because I lack the writing skills to do it any other way, and not because I rushed it.

Sorry, but you’re talking to someone who owned a manuscript crititiqing service, has taught at workshops, and has 30 books on Amazon, today. I’m not a poet (though my son is), but still, the one poem I tried to sell went for $200. And those I posted here, have garnered pages of comments. I’m not bragging, though, only giving context for this:

It’s not a matter of talent. Nor is it one of how well you write. It’s that you currently lack knowledge of writing poetry. That’s true of most who try, because we universally assume that we know how to write, having learned the skills in school. But there, we learned ONLY the techniques of nonfiction, because that’s what employers need us to know.

I mean no insult when I say that. It’s a fact...one that can be fixed, IF you choose to do so.

No one says you have to. Least of all, me. I noticed that you were posting a LOT of poetry, all of it with the outside-in approach of nonfiction. And since that precludes success in both poetry, and fiction, and, you obviously enjoy writing, I thought you might want to know. And having had my say, I’ll bow out, because my intent wasn’t to cause you distress.

I would strongly suggest that you look at those things I mentioned, but again, it’s a suggestion, not an order. You might even look at the work I have posted here, or in my WordPress writing blog, to see if the things I mentioned, when placed into use in poetry, seem like something you might want to know more about.

[StormeLight]

Wow, there is a lot here. I am going to respectfully let you know that I don't find your feedback very helpful. I am posting a lot because I am in the process of moving all of my poetry from another platform that has decided free speech should not be a thing. I am simply trying to get everything I have written so far on to this platform instead. You have your way or writing, I have mine. You say a lot of very insulting stuff. Please do bow out, I really don't appreciate your perspective.

[Client Moonlight]

Yo JayG. Brother man. Sorry but uh... Who... Asked...?

[JayG]

Hmm....smells like socks in here. A brand new account, logs in, has no work posted, and just happens to find this page, and rush to the defense of a stranger, also a new arrival. What a strange coincidence.

You make the mistake of thinking I care. You work to become a poet, or you go on as you are. The decision is yours. Lashing out because you didn't receive a gold star? A waste of time, because it changes nothing.

[StormeLight]

He's a friend of mine who wanted to read my writing so he came here to do that and saw your awful comments. I just joined today as well, if you've noticed. My writing is gone from my other platform now, so he can only read it here. If you wanna try and use that to invalidate what he has to say, I would say that is very immature. I did not lash out at you, I simply told you that I do not appreciate your perspective, the only person who was really insulting, that's been you man.

[StormeLight]

I would really like it if you did not make contact with me again, now, or in the future. I do not mind feedback, I don't require it to be all positive or anything, but man, dude, you have just been tearing into me with paragraphs and paragraphs, even after I let you know it was unwelcome. That is not the kind of thing that I welcome. So, please leave, and please refrain from contacting me again, thank you.