Different Kind of Darkness

A psycholigical piece

  JOURNAL ENTRY OF PATIENT 20754MD. NAMES OMITTED FOR PROTECTION OF PERSONS INVOLVED. DATED 11/28/2004

 

 

            The Darkness, the Dark, Black, the Void. It is known by many names, and is a popular theme for writers, poets, storytellers, bards. Me, I am none of them. I am a simple man, with complex issues. My writing may not be coherent, it may seem to skip and be erratic. I warn you ahead of time, so forgive me. As I said, I am no writer.

            Despite that fact, I am writing of that topic. Why, one might ask. I write of it for one reason, and one reason alone. To describe it as I see it. It is an exercise given to me by Dr. __________, my therapist here at The Institution. Actually, it should properly be called Green Oaks Therapy Center for the Mentally Unwell, but all of us, patients and workers alike, simply refer to it as The Institution. I might seem quite a reasonable fellow, and for the most part I am. I suffer from Manic Depression, since my wife died a very tragic death, a random victim in a bank heist. I found out during my three years here that it has run in my family quite strong, and was just waiting for such an event to trigger it. My grandfather on my mother’s side and uncle on my father’s were patients here.

            Oh, but there I go, starting on tangents. I must apologize for that. It has nothing to do with the topic I am writing. Okay, so, the Darkness. I know it quite well, both from reading the books of poetry here at The Institution, and from personal experience with it. I know it comes in various forms. There is moral darkness, which is written of all the time, with phrases like blackest heart and others. It generally refers to a villain or evil-minded person. Now, I don’t think the term evil is quite right, as it is a term that is based strongly on personal position. Unorthodox to the extreme would fit better, since mankind normally follows a set guideline for their behavior and moral code. Anyways, there is also emotional darkness, which normally refers to anger, rage, malice, and the like. Again, a very broad topic for writing, and since I am no writer, I will eliminate both of these types of Darkness from my… well, I guess you could call it an essay… or maybe a journal. I’m not sure. It depends on whether or not there will be more assignments from Dr. __________ or not.

            So, the other type of Darkness I know, is the physical kind. Of course, everyone knows physical darkness, completely without light. It was what we first knew when we gained consciousness, in the womb. A Darkness without light. We experience it more outside of that experience as well, especially unruly prisoners in a penitentiary or rather unruly patients like __________. Children with rooms inside the center of a house, with no windows. The Darkness need not even be complete, with partial light in it. We as a people tend to fear it. We deem it to be cold, unfeeling. Horror movies manipulate it to be scary, which works especially well on the claustrophobics, like my friend __________.

            This is the darkness I will be writing of, the physical kind, though not in a way most would expect. I will try to show the Darkness I know, the warm, inviting Black. I know, sounds rather lame, doesn’t it? But it is that Darkness which keeps me sane, that Darkness which I look forward to the most. My eyesight has dimmed quite a bit because of it, and how much time I spend in it. I look forward to it because it is my true home. I meditate in its loving warmth, let my thoughts wander where they will. Sometimes, I even get the chance to talk to my wife, __________, or even God himself, if I am lucky enough. Most times I’m not, but those times I am make it worth trying.

            This Darkness, my Darkness, keeps me safe. It really reminds me of the womb. I know, scientists say you aren’t supposed to know how that feels, memory isn’t working. But I remember, somehow I do. And it is so reassuring when I reach that state, that no matter what has happened during the day, whether __________ messed up my painting or __________ talked to me, everything is good. I use meditation to reach the state of mind. Close all else out, focus on my body. I normally—well, actually, always—pull myself into the fetal position, tucking my legs to my torso and wrapping my arms around them. The closeness makes it easier for my body to heat. It’s so cold here at The Institution, so very cold. I guess it’s just one more reason why I like my Darkness so much. It cuts off my life here, and it’s just me. No more cold, no more soggy food, no more workers, no more patients… no more memories. Just thought. Just the way I like it.

            I’ve spent full days like that, in my meditation state, hidden in my dark. Ah yes, I forgot about the part about getting to be in total dark! It’s against regulation rules really, but I go into the sauna, hide in there. It’s usually empty, and I find the hissing of the steamer to be rather relaxing. After an hour or so, one doesn’t even know it’s there. On the rare occasion that someone is n there, I wait until they aren’t looking and slip into my hiding spot… I won’t say where it is, since I am turning this in to Dr. __________. But, it is secure, and I am sure that only I know this spot. In it, with the help of my towel, I can achieve complete Darkness. Yet, it is not a malicious dark, but a friendly one, a soothing one. Most people do not get it when I tell them of this darkness, since they all seem to see it as cold. I don’t know why that is. My darkness is what I look forward to most. The calming effect it has on me is tremendous. I do not fear the dark. Why should I? It grants me a reprieve from all else, after all. Maybe I was meant to be a cave dweller, but it is just where I feel the safest. In my Darkness.

 

 

 

 

REPORT ON THE DEATH OF PATIENT 20754MD, AS WRITTEN BY HIS THERAPIST, WHO FOUND HIM.

 

 

NAME   Dale Warrencraft

 

DOB  4/14/1967         DOD  12/1/2004??

 

EYES  Blue               HAIR  Black

 

HEIGHT  4’2”              WEIGHT  124.7 lbs

 

REASON FOR THERAPY  Severe Manic Depression

 

POSSIBLE OR DEFINITE CAUSE OF DEATH  I believe that he went to his normal place to find what he called his Darkness, which as in the above entry he did capitalize as such. After the patient went missing for four days, not normal for him when he had been gone for two before at most, a thorough search was set into motion by the personnel of Green Oaks. We did not find him. Two days after the search patients complained of an unpleasant odor issuing from the facility sauna. It was in there that we found him, when one of the janitorial crew was attempting to find the source of the stench, akin to cooking flesh and burned hair. He removed a vent from one of the steamers, to find that the patient was curled in the fetal position therein, with his towel draped over the back of the vent to prevent light from coming in. It was assumed that he died there, not of foul play, but of dehydration.

Author's Note

Any questions? What do you people honestly think, should I write more in this genre?

Reviews

[Fran Marie]

Most people do not get it when I tell them of this darkness, since they all seem to see it as cold. I don't know why that is. My darkness is what I look forward to most. The calming effect it has on me is tremendous. I do not fear the dark. Why should I? It grants me a reprieve from all else, after all. Maybe I was meant to be a cave dweller, but it is just where I feel the safest. In my Darkness.



Really morbid in detail ~ such evil can completely take over the mind ~ This piece brought to mind 'Profit' the series on Chiller' TV ~ Jim Profit curls up in fetal position and sleeps in his dark carboard box~ I enjoyed reading this well crafted piece ~ very vivid description of darkness~ THanks for submitting this fine piece of writing~Fran Marie

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Darkness is sometimes a friend of mine..as for this piece , it is gripping.
Very good detail and has a strong sadness that hits me .. I think you should write in all genres ... and you can ... this is very good, John.

Chloe

[KUFU]

Wow Stussy. This is ultimately a morbid piece, but I understand the enlightening sentiments. I think humans feel most whole and safe when they are in the womb. Once thrust into the light of a heretical sun, we immediately understand we are at the mercy of the imps. Curled in the fetal position is what scientist understand to be the most comfortable position for humans. Even I find myself awakening in the fetal position most of the time when I know I fell asleep on my back.
This piece speaks of a longing for discovery in my opinion. You have to be truly brave to inspect your Self. This can be a startling experience since self realization usually conflicts with the lies we have been indoctrinated with/to believe about human/or individual evolution are usually ripped to shreds. You must have put this work and your sense of self through a paper shredder with this one. Nice introspective piece. I didn't want to enjoy this work, but it grew on me.