Mama, Why?

I have to talk to my mom, and I have to do it NOW damn it!

Mama why did you do that?

Why did you pull the trigger?

Why did you make your children

Orphans without any warning?

You promised me you wouldn't,

Said it would be alright.

Why the f*****g hell

Did you lie to me, your son?

I wanted to help you,

Wanted to keep you safe.

I knew that something was off

From the talk that we had.

I know I failed in my

Responsibilities to you,

And all I want now

Is to ask you why you did it.

You left a lot of people hurt,

I'm scarred all over in my head.

Because of your broken promise

I'm afraid to trust another person.

I'm afraid to place all of my trust

In another human being,

Because the innocent trust

Placed in my own mother

Was compromised like it never existed.

I want to yell at you,

Want to scream.

I want to make it so I can talk to you

And let ou see all of my scars.

You aren't among the living though,

So somebody give me as f*****g gun.

Mother, I need to speak to you.

Now.

Author's Note

Mom ain't here no more, and only one way for me to talk to her. Somebody give me a god damned gun so i can yell at my mother.

Reviews

[Tai Chi Italy]

Oh John, you are wrong to think she can't hear her son's cries, because being a mum myself and having lost the love of my life too, I know for sure there are no barriers in loving. NONE AT ALL. It is hard for us left behind to know this and there are always many many unanswered questions. What I know from this tragedy, is that your mother was in a state of disorientation and loss in this world herself. Why people take that final step? I don't think even they know, it just happens and then it is too late to turn the page back.

We just have to accept their decision, learn from them everything they tried to show us in life. By picking up this metaphorical gun and not pushing it away, you are clearing a path to understanding your way. I feel sure your mom will come to you when she feels you can deal with it, in a dream perhaps, she is always close by and watching over her loving little family. She was lost in a world where she felt there was no hope, whether this was caused by drugs or sustained trauma, none of us can say, if this world was that bad for her to live in, the next will sooth her tortured soul and send her along a new way....I never have believed in death persa, even before I lost my man, I certainly do not believe in it now. He is always with me, just like your mom.....Great write John and I hope it sends you along a lighter route....I always thought guns were a bad idea in Amerca, even if your great country was born out of a wild wild west, they are too easily to hand and can go off.....this gun however has an extremely secure safety lock....smiling at you with a hug from Tai x may your mother rest in peace that her children will go on to a happier time in their young lives with love and secure futures sealed by loving husbands and wives

[♥ Courtney &hear..]

you arent going anywhere.

Try it and il cut your damned fingers off so you wont be pulling any triggers.



Try me.

[Kaitlyn]

You almost made me cry!! And that is a compliment because nothing EVER makes me cry, nothing even gets close to making me cry anymore. I lost my uncle to suicide to, I wrote a poem about it but it is not as good as yours. I am very sorry that you had to lose your mom that way though, its horrible because thats the one person you should be able to trust but people like your mom and my uncle just didnt know how to deal anymore and saw this as the best way to stop being a burden to the people they love. This was an amazing poem. Dont change a thing. But if you ever need to talk about it im always available!! 9 years of expierience dealing with it so I can help at least a little bit.

[Imperfection]

It is tough to through such pieces � one that is personal in nature and touches you in places you never thought existed within you.

Your Mom gave up because she thought she wouldn't be able to overcome the pain. These are emotional decisions�sometimes people do not think about the irreversibility of their action and the impact that it would have on those left behind.

Because of your broken promise
I'm afraid to trust another person.
I'm afraid to place all of my trust
In another human being,

Yes people do break our trust and at times we break promises too. Sometimes there is a reason for it. And sometimes we find excuses to explain why we did so. Moreover, what is reason to me may spell excuse to another. There is no one way to understand how this works but you will learn to trust again in other relationships�it will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

Keep writing. Let it all flow.

[Carole]

John, I don't know you but just wanted you to know that I relate to your pain as my mother also committed suicide. It has been 11 years, so there has been a lot of time to work through the pain. Knowing the pain that your mother caused for you and (maybe your siblings)-you know the heart break it caused and walking in your mother's foot steps wouldn't accomplish anything but shatter more hearts. You look like a great guy and from your writing a lone I can tell you have a lot going for you, not to mention your girlfriend/wife who is beautiful, by the way, so hang in there man. Don't give up. Suicide is the selfish way out. Your mother obviously was in so much emotional pain she didn't know how to handle life and if she could talk to you, I am sure she would say she was sorry for breaking your heart.

You have a bright future a head of you and lots of choices before you. I believe you are going to make your next years the best yet!

Never give up, Carole

[desertraven]

John, it may be a hard pill to swallow, but you are here for a reason. Pulling the trigger will ensure your soul will return in another vessel to do it all over again, until you get it right, whatever the "right" may be.
Excellent piece, heartwrenching and passionate.
Sandra

[These Haunted Hallways]

Dear Stussy,

Man, upon reading this, it had brought tears to my eyes, and had to read it again. Quite a shocking reveal, and i didnt know this prior to now. I cant imagine how painful it is for you right now. Must be unimaginable, and very horrifying :( Man, im so sorry this had happened to u and ur family. I pray for you and ur loved ones, and hope that everything will be alright. U have done nothing wrong. Remember that. And always remember that. Just take it one step at a time. Courtney loves you very much, and she dosen't want to see you go either. Now is the time to start a new, beautiful begining with both of ur lives. Dont even think for one damned second that ur not loved. Cause u are, my friend. U are. Cheers to u, sir, for making it this far. You've done wonderfully. Dont give up the ship!

B.A.

[Kaleidoscope Apocalypse]

Wow.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know that sounds cliche, I know it is only words, but truly I am.