Superhero

This story I recently wrote about a friend. I guess we both caught feelings and sometimes I really wish it didn't cause now its like we're both stuck in a hole.

Words can be a struggle, mostly through speech, most people are not very open minded. Many like to keep their thoughts to themselves. Its a lot safer, no one gets hurt, right? Some peoples emotions seem hidden to them. They don’t know what an emotion is until it occurs and it becomes too late to fix. Finding what’s inside you, is the longest journey, you just don’t know what to feel, how to show it, and what to do. Some people may be afraid, thinking that they might get hurt by someone that they love or even just rejected. Love, four letters, one word. But yet so strong, now and days it tends to gets abused that... you don’t even know if it exists. Many people abuse a lot of words. Like beautiful, such a breathtaking and soothing word to hear, yet its abused. Does beautiful even exist? Does love? So many heartbreaks, tears, breakdowns, lack of sleep, no hope, no strength, and suddenly she shuts down.

She tends to push people away, belittle herself, when she feels that she might get hurt or she might hurt someone.

She never believed in love.

At least not for her.

Long term crushes,

to short term crushes,

to no interest in trying.

She knew if she didn’t love herself first, how could she love someone else.

She decided that prince charming can wait.

She grew up hating her body, her face, her personality, herself…

“Who would go for a girl like me?” She would think to herself, every time she came across a mirror.

She had a tough road in front of her. Violence, seemed to be a big one. One way she showed her emotions, whether it was happiness, sadness, or love,

all shown through anger.

Independence, was also a big one. Took some time for her to convince herself that she is strong, even if its just her walking this path alone. Took a lot of strength to keep her head up high, fighting her little battles inside her, and still managing to keep a smile on her face.

She’s always dreamed about love. What it felt to know someone loves you and you love them back. What it felt to hold their hand, knowing that it will all be okay. What it felt to be hugged in a way no one else has hugged you, you felt protected and armed. What it felt to have a best friend..

She’s never payed much attention to her happiness, but she has paid attention others. Using their happiness, smiles, and laughs, as her medicine so she could feel that happiness. Deep down, she’s just hoping someone could make her feel that little bit of happiness,that she never knew existed.

Until one day, someone walked into her life. She had a strange feeling about him, it was more of a want and need. She wanted to know who he was. The need…. she wasn’t quite sure, so she sticked with, a need of a friend. Only because he was younger than her. She made sure to keep her distance, but she didn’t keep her thoughts to herself.

She noticed when he was a different person when around others, he seemed desperate, careless, and maybe even a bit of a d****e. He seemed like he didn’t care for anyone but himself, he seemed like everyone else in the crowd.

But once she stayed quiet and just looked out into the distance, thinking, trying to ignore him. Once he asked “Are you okay?” she looked at him and at the time, she knew he wasn’t what she thought he was. She knew he was showing a different personality to fit in, to be liked.

Question is, who was he?

The more they talked, the more they hung around each other, the more the connection grew. The feelings and emotions started to grow strong. She tried to hide it, push it away, pretend like its not there, it can’t happen he’s young.

Deep down all she thought was,

Why did I let him in?

What am I doing?

I can’t let him know the real me.

Its too dangerous… she thought.

One mistake,

She opened up too quickly.

Not realizing that every minute they spent together.

He started to fall and he fell hard.

He knows, nothing could ever happen between them.

But she let him believe, that maybe it could.

She wasn’t thinking.

When she looked at him she saw the desire in his eyes when he looked at her.

She’s leading him on,

and she knows it.

She becomes blinded every time she does it.

She forgets that in the end it will hurt him,

and also her.

She didn’t want her emotions to grow stronger, nor her love.

She didn’t want to fall,

When she knew one day it will be over.

It hurt her so much to know,

she’s about to hurt someone that she loves and cares for so much.

But she couldn’t take,

getting laughed at,

teased,

judged,

She just couldn’t handle it.

It was time for her to stop it,

before anyone got hurt.

So she did.

She stopped making body contacts,

no hugs, no closeness, no hand holding.

Kept her distance.

The walks to class,

Having to avoid him in the halls,

Not looking at him,

It tore her up so much.

She didn’t know what else to do.

If they got closer,

she knew something would get in between them.

Both of them, knew it couldn’t happen.

Age difference was a big one.

But why does he seem more hurt than me?

She thought, but never understood.

What was it about her that made him fall for her?

Why her?

She never knew why, nor did she bother to ask

She continued to stay in his life, he was in need of her.

Deep down, she’s in need of him.

Along the roads, she’s learned a lot about him.

He seems to be carrying a lot of scars,

that all tell a story..

Believing that, he doesn’t belong here,

no cares for him,

he shouldn’t deserve anyone.

He’s special to her.

He stayed with her,

even though she was a complete a*s.

What was it about her that he still hasn’t managed to let go and leave?

So many people have walked out of her life the minute she screwed up.

She screwed up big time with him.

She led him on,

She should have kept her emotions locked,

She shouldn’t have let him in,

She shouldn’t have met him.

He deserves a lot better.

She didn’t think she would hurt him.

But she didn’t realize how happy he was.

When he sees her,

She didn’t realize,

the sparkle and joy in his eyes,

the amount of love he showed,

the amount of curiosity and care he showed,

the smile that she gives him.

She never realized…

Now she realizes...

Before, they texted constantly

Now, its like the thought of each other never crosses their minds.

Before, he walked with her to every class

Now, they pass each other, as if they never knew each other.

Before, they were close

Now, they’re distant

Before, they would lock eyes and an instant smile would appear between them.

Now, neither of the two can make eye contact

She’s afraid to look him in the eyes,

Afraid to find the hurt in his eyes.

because she knows she’s the reason why.

She tries so hard to help him find happiness again,

but can’t, no matter what she tries to do, she just can’t.

But it kills her to know, she’s the reason why.

She was his last thought at night and first thought in the morning.

She’s the reason, he was so happy.

She was his hope, his faith.

She was the reason, his smile wasn’t fake anymore.

All because of her.

Now she blames herself,

wanting to scream,

fight,

  tell someone.

Question is, who would she tell?

She has no one that will listen to her.

It’s eating her alive.

No one realizes that the girl that’s

making everyone else happy,

is the girl that’s suffering.

When she met him,

he was different.

When she got to know him,

she loved his personality,

    his stories,

the way he cared for her,

the way he looked at her,

the way he made her smile,

the way he held her and didn’t let go,   and the scars he carried around with him.

The fact that her problems, became his.

And his problems, became hers.

The fact that he stuck with her, even though she tried to push him away.

He stayed.

Since it all came down,

She feels likes,

They’re fighting a battle, between themselves,

and each other.

She won’t let him go,

until she knows he can hold himself up.

Until then she plans to catch him

and guide him through.

No one has ever mentioned his name in front of her,

but once they did.

She felt the stab inside of her and all she could say was

“Don’t worry about it.”

She has so much to say,

but such little time that

he won’t listen.

Sometimes she wonders,

“Where’s my superhero at, when I really need them? When will this mess be over for me?”