Do You love Me??

A question we all ask...

Do you love me??

 

and i ask with my thoughts pointing in

one direction.

the keys of my soul haunting my

expression.

 

Do you love me?

 

your answers wave away in

explanation of who you are.

and who you'd want me to be

 

in order to hold your love.

but i do not need your love.

and i cower and fear your love.

for your love means pain,

your love means oppression

disconnection from who i truly am.

 

Do you love me?

 

watch me grow with warm words to console me.

let me stand with warm thoughts to reassure me.

take my hand without pressing yourself against me.

not at all in this way, not at all but only one way.

why should i beg your love to stay?

when your love wants only for me to be your way.

 

silent and stunted and non-confrontational,

a vessel for you to manipulate

a sufferer conformed to the way you relate.

 

in this world.

in this life.

 

Do you love me?

 

for me

for who i am

with all my flaws, mistakes

with my imperfect slate

with my fear of love itself

with my hate,

my tears,

my pain from my years,

clinging to an image i thought would protect you.

 

i thought would make you love me

for all i want is love.

but now i realize

not your love

so i turn my back and walk away from you

when i ask you

 

Do you love me?

 

i ask myself as i look down at you

and i grow from the small entity that you had surrounding you

and i touch the child in me that can not see the truth of you.

i do not need you

nor do i want you

and though my mind knows, this heart still aches for you

your hatred,

your fears,

your tears,

your hot breath that laid upon me

in orer to comfort you.

 

Do you love me?

 

I stand searching for answers to blend into my world

this lost and trapped child and little girl.

this answer i await to hear, closing me ears for fear of the negative

the truth is there,

lodged down in the gut of my being

and my whispering to calm myself,

my stroking to console myself,

while i ask myself.....

 

Do you love me??

 

 

~Taubah Blackman

 

Author's Note

Some times we think we need the love of another who hurts us... deeply...
when really we only need the love of ourselves.